Another Ex-rated Dream

I dreamt again about ex. This time, I called him on the phone and told him that I was sorry about being mean and cruel to him. I didn’t want to end things that way. I told him he just couldn’t keep playing with my heart the way he was and he couldn’t keep passing judgment on me for things he didn’t understand.

He didn’t say anything, he just listened. Then I hung up the phone and poof my dreamed turned into Nicole Kidman and Ben Afleck. (sp?) They were married and getting quit bored with each other. Rumbling thunder woke me up.

I got up, went pee, then climbed back into my cozy bed and started an entirely different trek through dream world. Dodi was in this dream… and he was humping a bunny rabbit. Dodi is my parent’s poodle mix dog. Strange dream… donno what it means… don’t think I care to know! Ack!

Hormones from Hell

My hormones are running rampant. I donno what’s wrong with me. I don’t think I’ve been this lusty since my early twenties. The sad thing is, I just don’t feel that interested in going out and hooking up with anyone. I’ve already done the meaningless sex thing early on… I’ve already has several serious relationships.

It’s ironic because I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to mess with the bullshit of dating. There doesn’t seem to be any honest and open people out there. At least not the one’s who are attracted to me.

I want someone who is confident in them self, however not totally wrapped up in themselves. Someone who is not scared to take chances and experience things outside the norm. Someone who can open himself up completely to me, as well as receive me completely.

Hey… a girl can dream can’t she?

Big Hairy Man Butt

I was mooned yesterday! I was on my way to my boss’ office to give out candy and on the way there I was mooned!

Two black suburbans full of young college boys were behind me at a stoplight. When the light turned green, they sped up beside me, honked their horn… I turned and looked… big hairy butt sticking out the window! Hehe it was extremely funny.

They pulled into a gas station a little way down, and I thought… wouldn’t it be funny if I stopped in there too! There was no missing me, as I was dressed up!

Tehe… it was funny.

Work Work

Took off early yesterday to go hand out candy to a couple of our offices. There were a couple of kids who thought I looked awesome and was trilled to get candy! Daddy snuck some candy too.

It was funny, there were some clients at one office, clients I work with on a regular basis through email and over the phone… it was the first time they met me. Tehe… it took them a while to realize who I was, then they did a double-take. They wanted to hug… but you could tell they were reserved because of the makeup I had on hehe.

I love to dress up.

No Go

Well... I didn't cast a spell. I was way too tired. I went to bed at 9pm... I felt really exhausted. Ahh well... another time maybe.

Work Work

I'm dressed up at work today... I don't know what you would call me. It was a last minute decision. Just call me oriental. People aren't recognizing me at first glance either.

I did my make up... my hair... I even put some chopsticks in my hair hehe. I have a robe that looks oriental on. Here's my picture.



I've been handing out candy to everyone. Everyone says I look really cute. Bah! Cute... whoever made that word should be shot.

I can tell this isn't going to be a very productive day for me.

Dreaming of EX

I was dreaming about the ex last night. I went to work with him… I met the girl he told me he thought was interested in him… and I hung out with her in my dream. She was way too young… but seemed like a nice person.

Anyway… ex and I were walking everywhere together, holding hands. It was quite strange. When he first introduced me to the girl I felt a little jealous… and then I thought it was what he needed to move on. Great sadness filled my heart as he went back to work and I went to have lunch with the girl. She had light brown hair… she wasn’t beautiful, but was attractive. When we got back from lunch, ex came down and hugged her… kissed her on the head… while holding my hand.

Anyway… she and ex went off… and I was stuck at his place of work. I called a taxi and went home.

Ex is Strange

I’ve been trying to be ex’s friend… but it’s difficult when the wounds run deep. I have to say I loved him tremendously… that I thought he was it… but I wasn’t the one for him. I wasn’t the one he loved with all his heart… I wasn’t his true love. That hurt me more than anything I’ve felt before.

So, I get an email from ex this morning saying he couldn’t subject himself to my life anymore… that totally baffled me. When did he ever subject his life to mine? It was always about him… how he felt… what he was ready to do.



So… to quit the stupid games I told him to fuck off… the big dummy needs a kick in the ass to move on… so there it is.

I can’t go back to him… he doesn’t want me anyway… and plus he thinks my religious studies and magic beliefs are evil… and he never respected me as a person with thoughts and opinions.

I guess that sad thing is, I still love him…. but I desperately want to move on… I need to move on. So does he.

I don’t think you ever truly stop loving the people who have been a part of your life for so long… I think you just learn to accept it and learn how to love someone else in a different way.

First Time

I am hoping to do my first spell tomorrow night, if things go well. Tomorrow’s moon is in my sign… I am requesting creativity, motivation, productivity and prosperity at work. I hope all goes well and I hope that for some reason I don’t chicken out at the last minute.

Bob IS Lord of Mux

Bob from TC was on TV last night. Travel Channel’s Weird Travels or something like that…

It was about NM haunts. Got to see what Bob looked like. I was very pleased!
Very sharp looking, handsome man!

*sigh* I guess it's time for me to look for a new man... or at least a play thing!

Work Work

I’m going to work my butt off today so I can get caught up!

Aging Puppy

Lately George, my beloved mini schnauzer, has been showing the signs of his age. He’s 12 now… and it is really starting to get to me…

My precious puppy… the one creature in the world that loves me unconditionally, is aging. He has trouble jumping up on my bed… he’s not as perceptive as he use to be… and he sleeps more.

Every night for the last 2 weeks he’s been waking me up at 3-4am to take him outside… I always let George go outside right before we go to bed… but he goes more frequently. He had an accident the other night… and he hasn’t had one of those in years.

It makes me feel bad to think of how difficult it is to grow old- especially on an animal. They can’t tell you what’s wrong, what hurts or if they feel ok. You have to pretty much guess at their behavior.

I love my George, frequently more than I love my own life. He has brought so much joy to me… so much happiness and laughter… the thought of losing him destroys me completely.

Rain, Rain and More Rain.

It’s supposed to rain all week here. It started at noon today and boy did it pour! I love being in the rain… but not while I’m at work. Computers go down… and I have to drive 45 minutes each way to work. I despise the drivers out here… especially in the rain.

Shopping with a 40% discount.

Boss came and picked me up today. She had a special 40% off coupon for Pier One Imports… a friends and family deal for employees. So we went shopping! I bought some great throws (mini blankets), 4 each different colors, for my sisters and myself, of course!

I also got some great candles and a great candleholder for my spell candles… preparation… I haven’t used one for that purpose yet- but getting ready for when ‘I’ am ready!

I love to spend money… it’s such a bad habit though… I need to get another job to make more money or get a raise here! I'm such a Taurus.

Work Work

Slacking, as usually. I have a tremendous headache at the moment… plus I over ate at lunch… *burp.* Steak & shrimp…and fries and a salad and Chicken & Shrimp enbrochette split with my boss…. I am absolutely miserable… but I have left over shrimp for my kitties and a quarter of my steak for George! Tasty treats for wonderful pets! But… I suppose I should actually get some work done. Pooh.

Tequila ta kill ya.

The sisters and I went out last night. The four of us together… a first. It was pretty fun. We went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant and then to a pool hall.

At the restaurant, I had 3 margaritas… each with an additional shot of Tequila in them. They were quite tasty! We chatted it up, reminisced about younger days… while waiting for one sister to arrive.

At the pool hall, I had a yucky margarita and a shot of Tequila. We met an incredibly robust, deep voice, very friendly black man. He was cute in a sense that he was a jokester. He kind of had a Rodney Dangerfield look to him. He was quite entertaining.

He had asked if it was ladies night out, and our older sister explained it was ‘Sisters’ night out.’ He then looked at us… ‘For real?!’

You see, my sisters, none of us really resemble each other. My sisters are all small and petite, while I’m a larger woman. Two of my sisters have a much darker complexion than I and the sister closest to my age. We are all very different from each other in every aspect. Our common trait is our mother.

Anyhoo… that guy had a hoot pondering our sisterliness. Hehe He was very pleased and said he would like to meet our dad to thank him. Though it wasn’t our dad who produced all of us… I’m guessing the man didn’t want to insult mom. Although we never got the man’s name… we will remember him. The oldest sister had him take our picture and as he handed the camera back to me, I snapped a shot of him hehe. Got him totally off guard… but I believe it will be a great picture.

We got home around 12:30am. Boy did I have a headache. I don’t know if it was the Tequila or what, but my head was pounding. I guess I’m just not use to drinking anymore… and it hit me with a headache.

Why do I like Tequila so much? Because it’s yummy! I love the taste, the salt, the lemon & lime.

But today… my stomach hates me. The stomach gods were not pleased with my Tequila sacrifice… not one bit.

Work Work...
I worked on my Boss' computer today... actually it's her sister's computer. It's fried. The hard drive is gone... I'm actually shocked the thing hadn't caught fire yet.

The insides were soOo dirty and full of cobwebs. This thing only has 24megs of ram and I’m guessing was purchased back in ’96. I have components to build another computer… one that’s not much better than this one… but I think I am going to suggest they buy a cheap e-machine type pc. They run about $300 and would work for what she needs.

It was quite nasty inside that computer… I don’t think I’ve ever seen one that bad. I was a wee grossed out.

Dreaming Men

I had a dream of my first real love last night. It isn’t the first dream I’ve had of him recently… in fact, ever since I broke up with my last boyfriend I’ve been dreaming of all the men in my life. Seems strange… but I’m guessing my subconscious is telling me, no teaching me of all the issues ‘I’, myself, have had in these relationships.

I’ve had five serious relationships since high school. I have dreamt of each one. I was the one who ended my relationships. Not because I didn’t love them… but because I knew it was just bad to continue on the way things were going.

Anyway… in this particular dream… Rick and I were back together- living together. He was telling me about the things he didn’t like about me… like my smoking and why it bothered him when he kissed me. Though in the actual relationship… my smoking didn’t stop him from kissing me. He was one of the best kissers I’ve ever had.

Anyhoo… I think my subconscious is just going through telling me that there were things I needed to change… as well as things that caused me to lose faith in the relationship.

Each relationship had something that I wish I could combine into one great love, one great relationship. I just seriously doubt I’ll ever find that…

I’m lonely… but I don’t want to wade through the b/s of dating… the b/s of trusting… the b/s of fully giving my heart to someone and have them take it for granted.

I feel like I’m bound to be an old spinster… with tons of cats & dogs.

Dreaming The Dead

As the relationship dream evolved… it turned into a night of the living dead dream. These are probably the only reoccurring horror dreams I have anymore. The thought of zombies walking around and coming to eat me thrills me… scares me… in my dreams I am always with family- running away from or battling zombies.

Though I wake up a bit disturbed… I actually like these dreams. I love horror movies… and if I could turn my dreams into movies- I’d make a fortune!

In this particular part of the dream… we were in underground tunnels, like a sewer, and water deep enough for little boats. There were various pieces of furniture floating all over the place. We, my sister and I, were trying to find a way outside.

Nooky

I set up a room on TC's Mux called "Novitiate's Nook". Boy- you would never think I use to live in Mu's in my twenties by watching me try to set up my room. Sheeshola. I haven't messed with text code like that in ages. I was trying to dust the cobwebs off my programming synapses.

Popper

We, too, can be that of grace & harmony.

Eh... Borrrring!

Nothing much happened today. I left work early to go to a doctor's appointment that actually turned out to be on Monday. They were closed today.

I bought the movie Van Helsing... I was quite disappointed. I love good horror movies and the works... but this one was cheesy. They stretched the vampires faces a wee too much... just looked terrible. They can do some awesome things with CGI... you'd never notice they were digital... so what happened here? Ahh... a low budget film...

One movie I'd love to see remade with awesome CGI effects is 'Clash of the Titians!' That would be fantastic...

Stick in the MUX

Wow! TC added MUX today... I'm already hooked. I think it's great. I've always found MU's to be way more fun & captivating than regular chat.

I can already tell much of my time will dissapate in virtual lala land. ;) I've already got an idea for a room...

For a site I already love... it just keeps getting better and better.

Pleasant Peasant

Well today I am in a very pleasant mood!

The small horde of people at our house has dwindled down to 3… 2 of which will be leaving at noon today. It’s been soOo noisy… but the sounds of hearty laughter has been good to hear.

Seems we have a little thief though… my 10 yr old nephew has been swiping monies from here and there… *sigh.* He also massacred a few of my sister’s lipsticks… He’ll be leaving today.

Work Work

Next week I’ll be going to an all day meeting to discuss taking over our company website for the state of Texas. I will be meeting with the president of our Houston branch and the graphics guy from our Austin branch.

I’m quite excited… work has been a wee on the dull side lately. Yet… I’m also nervous. I have been with my company for almost 4 years… and I have made their expectations rise beyond the standard. So, this means I’m going to have to give 210% of my creative juices… I hope to do well.

Finding a good man these days is harder than nailing jell-o to a wall.

I’m a wee lonely. I would very much like to have a man who has drive, ambition and creativity. Someone that is open to new things. A companion that isn’t narrow minded, who wants to experience life instead of the couch… and doesn’t mind spoiling me! I am a Taurus after all…

I would spoil back in return!

If anything, would at least like to have a man for 2 hours, if you catch my drift!

Popper

My poofs are now being referred to as poppers... since they pop right in my brain.

This one just popped in:

...the sun burnished heat like a blazing fire one last time...

I'm going to start logging them as they come. We'll see where they lead.

The Subject of EX

He just emailed me again saying he was disappointed... Disappointed in what? My opinions? The fact that I anonymously used him as a reference on TC... only he could know that... Does he consider my thoughts? Nope… not a single one.

Why is he still casting his judgment on me? Oh wait… I know the answer to that… because I keep allowing him to. Silly me…

Miscellaneous

Feeling pretty good today physically. No backache, I haven't smashed my cut finger and I got my coffee drenched phone replaced. 

Got an email from the ex- guess he was digging through TC at some of my posts. I referenced him in a thread- I take it he didn’t like that because he took a little jab at me in the email saying I was blind as a bat. (Referencing my signature Eyes Wide Open)

Ahh well... that situation I used was just an example, and I wasn’t debasing his beliefs or insulting him... I was sharing my frustration at how people blindly follow their religious path... without figuring out what it really means to them... or studying the history of it all. He takes things too personally and is really defensive. Poor him...

 Anyway... I found out that most of the family will be gone by Friday! WoOHoO! Mean?! Not at all... it’s hard staying in a house full of loud people for long periods of time... it’s hard trying to figure out what to feed all these people... it’s hard to wait for everyone to get out of the bathroom!

Family Matters

My uncle died recently and the burial service was yesterday. I did not attend. My uncle and I were not close… in fact, there were quite a few events in my family life that would have been better off without him. He’d been in & out of prison all his life, just like his younger brother… alcoholics, drug users… the works.

Though, I harbor no ill will towards him… I just wasn’t compelled to attend his funeral. I wasn’t even compelled to be a comfort to my mother. She asked that I write a poem for her to eulogize at his burial… and I did. That was meaningful as I tried to write feelings that fell from my mother’s heart.

Only once did I feel the need to speak with him. And that was the day before he passed. I had the strangest feeling I needed to call him and tell him it was ok to let go and move on. Did I do that? No… the feeling passed after an hour. Do I regret that? No, not really. I’m not trying to be mean… but I really have no feelings about it at all.

He was terribly ill… died a most painful death with diabetes, liver disease and some other issues. I think his death reflected the agony of his life. The suffering he inflicted on others returned to him at his time of passing.

Anyway… now we have a house full of family. Our family has never been close… so it feels really awkward. My mother’s side of the family is not a prime example of morality and ethical behavior, rather quite the opposite. So- it makes my sister and I very uneasy to leave them in our home while we are at work. They are family… they don’t have money for hotels… so what could we do?

I hid stuff… how crummy is that- to not trust your own flesh & blood that you hide things precious to you…

In a way it’s nice to see them for a little while… but just please be a little while! No longer than this weekend!

Poof

Random poetic phrases keep popping in my head… seems out of nowhere. No inspiration or motivation… in fact… I’ll be in the middle of work and if I stop for just a second something will pop in my head.

It’s almost like I’m a receiver for some outside force.

I really don’t mind it… but sometimes when I am talking with someone, I’ll forget what I’m talking about because something popped in on me. This is making me feel a bit flighty.

Here is one: and the wind played with my hair
Nothing else… just that… and I wasn’t even outside.

Spilled Coffee

Well… Pooh! I was getting ready to make an entry and just spilled my coffee all over my desk! My phone is drenched and my work papers stained brown. I keep banging my cut finger… hard enough to make me cry.

I will not let my Monday continue this way!

Influencing Family

My 18 year old niece stopped by the other day, along with her fiancé. The purpose of the visit had nothing to do with religious studies, but we ended up talking a lot about Wicca.

Turns out both she and her fiancé have studied Wicca quite a bit. I found myself getting excited because we might be able to share our thoughts and what we’ve learned… but the more I spoke to her, the more I thought they weren’t living their studies… it was just more of a hobby.

That bothered me and I wanted to say that studying Wicca isn’t a game. I bit my tongue though… I figure that maybe eventually they would take it a bit more seriously. But then her fiancé said he believes he is a Christian Wiccan… and I ended our conversation with the statement that what he said was a contradiction to Christianity and a heavy argument for those who are Wiccan.

I wanted to share my thoughts, but also didn’t want to force my opinions on them. They are young and will do what they will anyway… maybe one day they’ll actually figure it out for themselves.

They are getting married in March of 2005, in a Christian church… my young niece who wears pentagrams openly… *sigh* It will be interesting keeping track of her studies and where it leads her… but I think I’ll let her learn for herself.

First Time Blogging

Today is as good a day to start blogging as any other. I thought I would give keeping a web journal a try.

My Studies

Over the past several months my religious studies have taken me down many paths. Today, I find that I am bothered at how most of our learning materials in the US push Christian beliefs, and how most Christian’s still don’t realize that quite a bit of their religious practices are based on early Pagan practices. How appalled they seem when you explain how this is so…

I’m finding myself irritated with people preaching Christianity- yet constantly referencing forms of Pagan beliefs. Like my boss, for example. I love her dearly mind you, but she doesn’t realize her hypocrisy. She says things like “these things happen in sets of three” and “Robin, you are a Goddess.” She doesn’t know that I have chosen a Pagan path… but for someone who constantly sends me Christian books, emails, etc… and claims to have heavily studied the Christian Bible- why would she use these references?

I’m probably just being moody at the moment, but I am wondering if most Pagans go through a stage where they realize the same hypocrisy. I figure if you are going to believe in something and claim to be dedicated to it, that you would seriously study the entire history of it all. I guess most people are just followers- they believe what they are told to believe in. Many people don’t have enough interest to find out the truth if it requires heavy reading and research.

Other Stuff

On another note… I nearly cut the tip of my right middle finger off yesterday. I run a graphics department and have always lectured my employees to be very careful when using the commercial paper cutter. I can’t stress enough just how important it is to pay attention to what you are doing when you are cutting graphics.

Well, this guy I work with came in to talk about an art show I had the previous evening. I was cutting postcards and… I hate to say it… I wasn’t paying attention. I was looking up at him when I brought the blade down and I felt it go in my finger. It didn’t hurt because the blade is super freaky sharp, but I knew what I did. Blood everywhere! I thought I was going to pass out! So, I had to rush to our company clinic. Luckily, I didn’t have to get stitches… the doc said if it would have gone 1mm deeper I would have. It’s quite nasty looking though. I was mainly concerned about it getting infected- but I am already taking antibiotics and the doc gave me a tetnis shot. Ouch!

All in all, the main thing that is upsetting to me is how negligent I was around a dangerous piece of equipment. How I did the very thing I teach others not to do! Such a fool!

The other upsetting thing was I tend to forget that I’ve got that red stuff inside me and it can come gushing out with the slightest cut! I’m not one to get queasy over things like that… but only when it’s happening to someone else. When it’s happening to me it’s a different story… go figure. I am human after all.