Then and Now...

I thought I’d be brave and post my picture from one year ago and one from one week ago. Yeep! It’s awful…

But… I’ve lost the weight in a good healthy way… just reducing the amount that I eat and what I eat… especially cutting out most of the soda pop. I love to eat… I’ve always associated good times with good friends and good food. Not to mention ex and I really weren’t active and both gained 60lbs during our 3.5 years together... We were mostly just fat and happy, watching movies, buying books and eating- eating- eating.

I have 25-30 more pounds I’d like to lose before I’m completely happy. Now… I eat to live, I don’t live to eat. I still eat my favorite foods… I just don’t gorge myself… I eat until I no longer feel hungry… I don’t go back for 2nd helpings… unless it’s just something so delicious… which doesn’t seem to be anything these days. I’m so sick of fast food… even restaurants. Bleh! (Mainly because my sister and I eat out everyday at lunch… I’m getting burnt out on some places)

Anyway… I haven’t convinced myself I’m on a diet… I don’t deprive myself of any foods or treats… I don’t jog or workout everyday… hell the most exercise I get right now is sex on the weekends heh.

I’m going to start walking with my boss again, as we did last spring, and do some Pilates to tone up and help me get the last lbs off… but total weight gone is 30lbs.

Boy, what a difference, eh?

SHOUT IT OUT

Ok… I like the new tag box thingy… so you blogonians say hi or something! I usually always check out the blogs of those who comment.

Charmed...

For those of you who seek me, I am right before your eyes…
though many of you are blind to my presence.

I am the tear dripping down your cheek…
I am the sorrow that breaks your heart…
I am laughter… I am hunger…
I am life… I am… Passion.

New Doohickey...

Ok... I've added a tag chat box doohickey to the right… so all you drive by lurkers can just pop a line of text in, if’n ya feels like it. But if I find a better one... this one goes poof.

(Click on the picture to see the original image, this one is sized for bloggage.)

He’s crept into my heart… and I didn’t realize my defenses were weakening from the inside out. New infatuation, new love… whatever… I’m still a mess- just now I’m starting to turn into a mushy sort of gooey mess of affection. Oh don’t get me wrong, I still have my bitch qualities- sarcasm, rudeness and brutal honesty I give him everyday… but it’s also followed by a kiss, a butt smack or a stop-what-you’re-doing-press-your-body-against-me-hug.

The “Call me when you get home so I know you’re ok” command… my usual response “If I remember” turning into a ‘yessir’ sexual dominance smirky innuendo… “but if I don’t will you spank me?” along with the batting of the eyelashes.

Yes peoples, I know… it’s sickening… but he brings out the affectionate pervert in me and I’m freaking horny as hell because of… well… yesterday’s belated blog will tell.

RAH! Hehe… I was going to post yesterday… but we had a tornado scare while at work. Then I went to his house and didn’t get home until late… and I just didn’t feel like posting at that point. So, here’s the junk I wrote yesterday...

Feelin’ The Monday Blues…

I had a great weekend. I was not ready for it to end… blah blah, just like the rest of you.

All my plans went through with the exception of one major plan… Damn Mother Nature’s Curse struck me 3 days early… so my sexual plans went *poof!* That would have just made the entire weekend superb… but I had to settle for great. I did take care of my guy though… more than he expected.

I’m A Little Grease Monkey…

Short and stout… I’ve been helping him at his shop. Me… doing manual labor! Can you believe it?!?! I love it. Since I was a wee lil’ lass, I loved tinkering with junk… I took apart soOo many electronic appliances and put them back together… fixing most. Being in his shop with all the misc. auto junk makes me feel a youthful curiosity, with tinkerful enthusiasm.

He’s quite surprised that I enjoy helping him and getting REALLY dirty. He said he’s never had a girlfriend who wanted to help, let alone step foot in his shop. He and his mother have both said I don’t look like the type of girl who gets dirty… ever. Oh, how little they know about me… if I plan on getting dirty, I get REALLY DIRTY. Why not go all the way?! Lol! He was even more surprised to discover that I have been reading up on motorcycle repair and custom paint jobs… learning about it.

It’s cool! There is just one major problem… the distractions. What distractions?? You might ask… each other. I find that while working with him, I have the strongest desire to grope him… touching him all over. When he’s standing on a small latter installing a new light fixture… that’s not exactly the safest thing to be doing… but I couldn’t help it! His mid-section was right in my face… perfect height… oOoh the things I wanted to do. He told me he loves watching me work… I’m guessing he thinks it’s sexy cause he usually has that oOoh-baby look on his face.

It’s quite nice working with him… oh wait… there’s another problem. He’s a foul mouth! Lol… and it’s rubbing off on me! He says two things- I dare not repeat- that totally freak me out, though. I did let him know that should he ever call me either of those two things… I’d give him a good swift kick to his family jewels- and he would never be forgiven. Other than that… I’m picking up his foul, vulgar habit of saying fuck and bitch all the time… not directed at people, but directed at inanimate objects heh. Either way it’s a bad habit.

I’m going to have to chew on some soap for a while… **BuRP!**

Back to Groping…

I find I just can’t keep my hands off him in general. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me want to constantly grope him. I don’t mean sweetheart affection either… I mean- “Damn I’m horny Gotta Touch That Ass” type of groping. He’s pretty affectionate… and will sneak in a grope here and there… but me… I don’t care who’s watching or where we are… if I want to grab his ass I will- and do frequently. I also just love rubbing my body against his heh… anyway…

Froggy Quandary…

I shall keep him.

We had serious conversations yesterday… and I believe I’m going to give it a go… I feel good about it.

Besides… if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out… I’ll get over it. In the mean time, I will enjoy how I feel when I am with him and what he gives me.

Torn...

There are times when you just can’t seem to make up your mind… but sooner or later something comes along that tips the scales. I suppose that’s what I’m waiting for… in the mean time… I’m still torn between the lesser of two evils.

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time ago, I would have kissed this toad you know…
Never giving a second thought to the consequences it might have brought.
But... with age and experienced woe, my lips do hesitate- my fear does show…
And though I try to see a prince… my dread of bitterness is greatly intense.

Ka-BoOm!

Well… I finally blew. I told him everything that was on my mind… well for the most part anyway. What I seem to be having the most issues with finally got to me and I let him have it… my emotion that is.

I cried… he cried… we cried together. He asked me to have patience and to stay with him… again that he cares for me beyond definition. He wants to see what kind of life we can have together… how happy we can be… after his ex has the baby. I told him I don’t know that I can do that… I don’t know how much I’ll be able to control my emotions… my contempt and jealousy over his situation. He asked me to please try… that he can’t just turn his back on his feelings for me.

I tried to convince him to work it out with his ex… that since they had children together- they would always be a part of each other’s lives. I explained that no relationship is perfect… and it takes hard work- devotion- dedication and compromise to make it work. He just looked at me and said he can’t love her anymore… the damage was done. And I have his heart.

Was anything resolved? No… not for me… I’m still going nuts… I didn’t end it, I didn’t promise I’d stay around… I said I’d try- but I don’t know how long that would last.

I cried and cried… but my damn Fairy Godmother didn’t come! I think I might have pissed her off a bit last time I saw her… I mentioned she looked like she gained a couple of extra pounds… but she’s a Fairy for goodness sake!

To Be Continued...

…Between A Rock & A Squishy Place…

Would you take the risk?

Cognitive Overkill...

I’m very tired. I couldn’t even begin to know exhaustion like he has though… or his mother.

Tuesday night I sat with him and went through stacks of photos… pulling out all the photos of his dad. His eyes became very bloodshot, glazed over with tears… and he had to step away a couple of times.

I’ve seen him everyday since last Friday. I’ve watched him go from a state of shock and disbelief to a type of numbness. Occasionally getting lost in his thoughts… staring off into space… randomly watching his eyes fill with tears.

Last night I just wanted to hold him, cradle him in my arms and rock him to sleep.

Today… his family is having a memorial service for his father. He was cremated, so they aren’t having a regular funeral… I will not be attending.

Inertia

I’ve been talking a little with my sister about my situation with this guy. There are serious things he’s shared with me that have me dazed and confused. I told my sister that I seriously have no idea why I’m so drawn to the guy… there are things about him I just don’t like at all… but when he looks at me… when he smiles at me… I just don’t care about all that other stuff.

My issue is when I get home… when I’m not with him the details of his life gnaw at me. I get so stressed out over it…

Everything has happened so fast… it has overwhelmed me terribly. Last night I was thinking my stress has a lot to do with not questioning him thoroughly about everything he’s shared with me. The timing isn’t right… his dad just died. I’ve slowly asked a few questions, and moved away from the subject quickly… but I haven’t asked the things I want to…

I have told him that I have some serious concerns about being involved with him… and he understands. I’ve even gone as far to tell him that I have no idea why I’m still staying with him… but there’s something about him that captivates my heart. That did bother him a little, but I explained I have to be honest… and when something is eating at me as bad as this is… I have to express how I feel- whether or not it’s a good time… but we could talk about it in more detail later on.

Last night he told me that he really cares for me again… so much so he fears it goes far deeper than that. I told him that the circumstances haven’t exactly been normal for us since we started dating… and that the trauma of losing his dad has him extremely emotional and possibly a bit confused at the moment. We both are, and we don’t really know if these feelings are true. He said he knew… they are real, that he started to feel that way before his dad died. All I said was “We’ll see.”

I think about all the junk he’s told me… and my mouth falls open.
I stroke the side of his face with my hand and I forget what he’s told me.
I listen to his war stories and my head shakes with disapproval.
When we embrace… I am at ease and nothing else matters.

These mixed feelings are equally profound… and I am beside myself.

Lyrics Stuck in My Noodle…

She never let on how insane it was
in that tiny, kinda scary house
by the woods…

So many storms not right somehow...
how a lion becomes a mouse
by the woods…

You don't need a space ship…
they don't know you've already lived
on the other side of the galaxy…

But I have to get to TEXAS…
And I'll give away my blue, blue dress.

Tori Amos – Black Dove

Hisssphhhfffftttt!

Mayhem...

Well… today I am still insane…

I’ve discussed some junk with Sam, discussed the whole sha-bang with ‘him’ and I still just don’t know. I don’t want to mess with it… I don’t want to think about it… I think I’ll go into denial for a little while…

Eh… screw that. Let’s have a short bitch question list! That’s more fun anyway…

1. Why the hell can’t I find just one freaking normal-ish guy who doesn’t have severe insecurities or tons of caca baggage??

2. Are there any single men who’ve never been married and DON’T have kids left in the world?!?!?! People say all the good ones were taken early… but it’s been my experience that yeah… taken and dumped with baggage… but were they ever really good? AND… then you have a no win situation… if the guy is 40 yrs old and has never been married- and clearly didn’t focus on his career… what the hell is wrong with him? He’s got to have some issues… And do you think having a relationship with a female would be better than one with a male? HELL NO… do you think I want all THAT emotional drama? Do you think I want someone who acts just like me when I’m pmsing? Hell no! Boy I sure can be a bitch, do you think I want to deal with someone who’s just like me?!?! Pa-lease…

3. Why am I always the dominant one? Why do I always have to take charge?!?! Oh wait… I think I like being dominant… so never mind.

4. Why the hell did Mom implant the “Never Settle” lecture in my head when I was young… but now that I’m older she takes it back saying “Sometimes you have to settle.” Just one of the many cruel tricks parents play on their offspring. One of the 50 million reasons why I don’t want children.

5. Why the hell are the jerks and screw-ups the best lovers?!?! HuH?!?!?! Can you tell me that?!?!? I really want to know!

I need a cocktail! And who cares if it’s 10:30am! Give me a double- on the rocks!

Being A False Light...

He looked at me from head to toe... running his hand across the length of my body... and told me he thought I was incredibly beautiful. I felt my face blush with heat…

He looked me in the eyes and told me that I have no idea what I mean to him or how much he cares for me. My heart sank a little and I felt cruel.

We spent the weekend together… I picked him up Friday night and took him home Sunday afternoon.

He told me everything I would let him tell me about his life… all his secrets… all his feelings. I just smiled at him and placed my hand on his. I didn’t really want to know these things, and I stopped him when I thought it was too much for me to hear. He was so genuinely honest, which is all I asked of him, and that filled me with a tenderness I’ve longed for… truth, trust and honesty. At the same time, my heart grew so heavy with the weight of his words… the burden of his life.

“I have to think about the things you’ve told me to determine what I will do… but, in the meantime- lets just enjoy this time together. We’ll talk about this some other time.”

We drove to the hotel, got a room and went inside. He undressed me and laid me on the bed. That’s when he started telling me how beautiful I was… how much he cared for me. I reached up and pulled him to me, kissing his lips softly. I did not reciprocate… I just distracted.

When we are alone, everything seems perfect. He’s sweet and gentle- very attentive. A big strong man with big strong dreams. There is something about his face… his beautiful smile that keeps me almost in a dream-like state when I’m looking at him. But those words… the truth I so wanted to know- it all made reality sting me a few times… haunting me for the entire weekend.

I thought to myself ‘I will have to end it soon,’ with the intentions of talking to him when I took him home.

The drive to his house was quite. “Parting is such sweet sorrow” churned in my mind. We pulled into the drive, I put the car in park and looked up at him. He said “Thank you for letting me stay with you,” leaned over and kissed me. I looked into his eyes and said “Matt…”

Nothing more was said. His sister came out of the house with a distraught look… He opened the car door and she came over to him. She told him that they had to sign an order for the hospital not to resuscitate his father.

All color flushed from him. She told him that his father’s health had deteriorated over the past two days. That he stopped responding and had no movement. They would be taking him off the machines that kept him alive that night.

He looked at me with such a painful look, “I have to go inside. I’ll call you later.”
I backed down the driveway… on the verge of tears. A rash of guilt flooded my heart.

I was terribly worried about him the rest of the day Sunday. I had called him when I first got home… he was stoic. I told him if he needed anything… don’t hesitate to ask, and I’m here for him. He said he was going up to the hospital, and that if he could he’d call me later.

The hours crept by slowly… I was in a state of inertia. Things repeated themselves over and over in my mind… I do care for him. I don’t want him to suffer… and I knew he had never been given the love that I knew I could give him. I also knew that deep in my heart… I could not be with him. His wounds lie deep… the scars are many… and his love would never be enough.

At 6:30 am this morning, he called. His dad past away. He got the call 10 minutes before he called me. “He’s gone…” his voice cracked with sadness. “I’m sorry baby… I’m so sorry. I’ll be there in about an hour.” “Ok…” he cried, “bye.”

When I got there, he came out to me… I wrapped my arms around him. Again… he lay his head on my shoulder and cried. I held him for 5 minutes… we went inside. His mother was asleep. He told me that he hasn’t told her yet… she had just laid down after being up all night. I held him some more and after about half an hour later he was calm and we talked a little bit about some of the things he needs to do.

His ex called… she wanted him to come and get her and his daughter- but not for what you think. He argued with her… after a couple of these phone calls he told me what was going on. More things I didn’t want to know. You see… she’s the mother of his daughter… and she’s 8 months pregnant with another of his children. And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.

I said “You need to go be with her… you may not be together at the moment… but she is always going to be a part of your life. You need to make peace.”

He looked at me and said that he didn’t want to be with her, he needed me. He said he wouldn’t have been so calm without me there and that he wouldn’t have been as nice to her. After a while of back and forth, he decided to go- said he would call me when he got back and hugged me. I got in my car, he kissed me a couple of times… and I drove off.

Now… here I sit typing this up… trying to make sense of my thoughts, thinking I’m in a bit of shock. I believe I’ve been in shock since I got home yesterday. Chaos trying to weed out the chaotic… What am I doing???

I’ve got some information for him about having funeral expenses covered for veterans… it’s been 2 hours since I left him… and I await his phone call…

Head pounding, heart aching… stomach twisted in knots.

10 New “First Time” things…

Well… it’s a done deal. My airplane ticket is purchased. I’m going to California in May… going to visit Samantha! I’m so excited and so scared at the same time!!!

1. This is my first time to purchase an airline ticket.
2. This is my first time to go anywhere for so long by myself.
3. This is my first trip to California.
4. This is my first time to travel to another state to visit someone I’ve never met in real life before.
5. This is the first time I’ve ever invited myself to someone’s house, someone I’ve never met, and was welcome!
6. This is my first time purchasing luggage.
7. This is my first time to cross time zones.
8. This is my first time to plan a vacation and actually go somewhere instead of sitting my ass at home.
9. This is will be the first time I leave my George for longer than 2 days… oh it’s gonna be tough without my puppy!
10. This is the first time I’ve ever had courage to do anything like this…

I can’t wait! The last time I road a plane I was 12… and I went to Colorado to stay with my sister. Other than that… I’ve never left the state of Texas… and I’m now 30. I hope this is the first of many trips to various places around the world.

I met Samantha online through The Cauldron, A Pagan Forum. Commenting on various posts in the beginning, then chatting up in TC’s MUX. She started a blog, and later I did too. We chat daily on yahoo instant messenger. We’ve exchange pictures and even viewed each other on webcam.

I love her- she’s my kindred sistah! Reading about her experiences and chatting with her, I discovered she was not much unlike myself. I’ve never had such a strong desire to meet someone until she came along. One day, I just up and invited myself to visit her during the summer… posting it on her blog a couple of months ago. Today… I purchased the ticket.

I’m very thrilled and excited. I can’t wait to see the beautiful land she lives on, her beautiful face and family. I have butterflies in my tummy!

I’m very terrified and nervous! I’m nervous about the plane ride, nervous about all the “what ifs” and about leaving George.

I’ve never been so excited in my life. I’m coming Sam!

Impluse...

I have no plot that corresponds with this image. I stayed up to 1:00am working on this…

Why yes, yes my junk is getting stranger and stranger. Most of my artwork goes off whatever appeals to me that day and whatever mood I’m in. Yesterday I was in a funk… but I didn’t really have any thoughts on this… it started off to be a tree face… but it morphed into this. You call still see one element of the tree I was originally working on… the bottom left side of the image is tree roots.

Well spank my monkey and call me Bertha… I have nothing to write about.

But I’m still damn horny… oh and I’ve lost a total of 30 lbs.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

BOT-tastic...

It’s a phenomenon… something like a bot phenomenon. Spy bots… spywear… you can’t go anywhere without getting these pesky critters on your system.

Then you download some free shareware crap that removes everyone else’s spywear… but installs their own caca spyware. You can’t download music, get hacks or even look at good ol’ porn without getting the damn junk. Redirected searches, pop up ads and stolen cookies… spam it… er uh- damn it.

RAH!

I’m damn horny… DAMN it I say! I mean- pitch a fit like a redheaded brat throwing a temper tantrum down the candy isle at the grocery store ‘cause mama said ‘NO!’- DAMN IT. The weekend can’t get here quick enough…

The “Guy’s” Father…

They took him off the machines… he’s breathing on his own. Today, he spoke. He can’t see very well… but over all the man seems to have a great start to recovery. Send one more wish for good recovery! Thank you!

Corrosion...

Wow. What an experience… going through the emotional trauma of family illness. It takes its toll on a person… rather quickly.

Saturday night I went to see him. He hadn’t really slept in two days… and his mind was a world of chaos… mine was somewhat the same. I tried to bring smiles to his face… I tried to bring him a little bit of relief… I wanted to take his mind off his family situation at least for a couple of minutes.

I went as far as sticking my finger in his nose. I had been stroking his face… I love his skin… I could tell he was spaced out in thought. SoOo, I just casually stuck the tip of my finger in his nose… he pulled back and I busted into a huge grin. He started laughing… wrapped his arms around me and said “Thank you, Robin.” I said, “For what?! Sticking my finger up your nose?” He said yes… because I made him laugh, and I just do things out of the blue that make him smile and feel good for a little while. I told him it was a good thing I didn’t score a booger because then it would have been a different story…

I talked to him about how I feel… I told him I didn’t know if I would be able to go through this stuff with him… but I couldn’t abandon him. He told me that he had expected me to dump him… and that he was surprised I’ve done some of the things I’ve done. I was honest… I told him I thought about it- that I’ve been struggling with the seriousness of it all. But I’m not the type of person to completely abandon a friend in a serious time of need. I don’t want to be added stress on his shoulders, but I had to let him know what I was feeling before things went any further. He told me he was glad I was there with him and that I wasn’t a stress, I was a relief.

Orgasm Induced Guilt
(This is somewhat explicit... that's your warning.)

We had been sexually flirting with each other all night… finally he made me go back to his bedroom with him. He brushed the hair from my eyes, leaned in and kissed me. While he kissed me, he pulled my body close to his and I felt his excitement against my stomach. He turned my head to the side and started kissing my neck. That’s all you have to do to turn me on- kiss my neck… and he does something heavenly with his tongue on my neck… I instantly melt.

He caressed my body, slowly working his way down- sliding his hand in my pants. His excitement intensified when he felt how wet I was and he shoved his tongue deep in my mouth, passionately kissing me. He pulled my pants down just a little… not even completely past my hips… but just far enough to see my femininity. He raised himself up a little to watch, and so did I. He moved his hand slowly and firmly… watching him slide his fingers up and down, around in small circles made my entire body quiver… he moaned a deep purr into my ear, just before going down and giving me an entirely different kind of kiss. I thought I was going to faint.

He stood up and started to remove his pants… before he could lower them to his knees- I took him completely into my mouth, pulling him forward. He let out a shaky moan and grabbed my head with both hands. I moved my tongue the same way he did on my neck- as well as other places, while he was still in my mouth. Normally I tease while giving oral pleasure… I’ll get him close, then stop- teasing with my tongue a little… then start in again. This time I didn’t do that… I just kept intensely going. He grabbed a hand full of my hair, let out heavy moan with what seemed to be every ounce of breath in his body, and came in my mouth. He fell to the bed, and pulled me close.

He then began to cry. I put my hand on his cheek and said “Babe, what’s wrong?” He said he didn’t know… that suddenly images of his father just flooded into his head and he felt extremely guilty. He apologized to me, saying he was sorry he ruined the moment… I looked him in the eyes and said it’s ok… he didn’t ruin anything. It was perfectly normal to be feeling what he was feeling… and he wasn’t doing anything to be ashamed of.

He told me about everything that made him feel bad. Just a few days before his father had his stroke… he was extremely irritated with him and couldn’t wait to get away from him. (They work together) Now, he’d give anything just to hear his father gripe at him for any reason. I held him tightly and explained that we all do that… though he might have been irritated with his dad, his love never changed… and its only human nature to feel that way. You love your father, you know he loves you and that is what’s important… He cried for a while longer, then hugged me- apologizing again.

I assured him all was ok… but that my butt cheeks were freezing cold and I needed to get dressed. He touched my ass and laughed, saying “Damn they are cold!”

Dad’s Condition

His dad opened his eyes Saturday. He’s not looking around and the doctor’s aren’t sure how much he is seeing, but it’s a good sign that he opened them. The part of his brain that controls vision, movement and breathing is what was affected. Though he still can’t breathe on his own, he is responsive and can give thumbs up. He knows what’s going on. Things are looking good for him and his recovery. They are slowly going trying to take him off the respirator. Sunday, he seemed irritated with the nurse, flicked her hand away and tried to stick his tongue out at her. They still have him connected up to all kinds of machines… but knowing that he can somewhat communicate and respond is such a relief to his family. I felt relieved that my guy might actually get some sleep.

Still… please send your positive thoughts and prayers to James Foreman… if just for a second send him a wish for a good recovery. Every little bit helps.

Thank you! Thanks to my friends for showing concern.

Bad News...

They found out what was wrong with 'his' father. He had a stroke of the brain stem. He responds by squeezing his hand... other than that he can't move, open his eyes or breathe on his own... he will never fully recover...

If I could sing a song of courage to sweep away your fear…
I would sing it loud enough for the entire world to hear.

If I could lift your spirit with a simple kiss from my lips…
I would send a thousand kisses blown from my fingertips.

If I could ease your weary mind with gentle words softly spoken…
I would whisper in your ear “I will never let your heart be broken.”

I don't know what to say to him... I don't know what to do. After a little while I began to think about how messed up he will be for a while… adjusting to the condition of his father. What depression he might go through… and ultimately how it would affect me.

I barely know the man… what did I just get myself into? I don’t want this… I don’t want the drama, emotion and stress… but I can’t just abandon him. I can’t say, “I’m sorry about your father… but I can’t stick around because this is way too much for me.”

I feel guilty now… I want to end this before more damage is done… I know I’ll end up breaking his heart eventually… but I feel it’s cruel to do it now…

His father had a stoke and his girlfriend dumped him… geez.

What in the world do I do? I like him… but I can’t take on his life so fast… I’m just figuring out how to deal with some of my emotions… I can’t absorb his.

I don’t really want to leave him… I don’t really want to be his crutch… I don’t want to be cruel and either way I feel like I would be…

Goddess help me.