Being A False Light...

He looked at me from head to toe... running his hand across the length of my body... and told me he thought I was incredibly beautiful. I felt my face blush with heat…

He looked me in the eyes and told me that I have no idea what I mean to him or how much he cares for me. My heart sank a little and I felt cruel.

We spent the weekend together… I picked him up Friday night and took him home Sunday afternoon.

He told me everything I would let him tell me about his life… all his secrets… all his feelings. I just smiled at him and placed my hand on his. I didn’t really want to know these things, and I stopped him when I thought it was too much for me to hear. He was so genuinely honest, which is all I asked of him, and that filled me with a tenderness I’ve longed for… truth, trust and honesty. At the same time, my heart grew so heavy with the weight of his words… the burden of his life.

“I have to think about the things you’ve told me to determine what I will do… but, in the meantime- lets just enjoy this time together. We’ll talk about this some other time.”

We drove to the hotel, got a room and went inside. He undressed me and laid me on the bed. That’s when he started telling me how beautiful I was… how much he cared for me. I reached up and pulled him to me, kissing his lips softly. I did not reciprocate… I just distracted.

When we are alone, everything seems perfect. He’s sweet and gentle- very attentive. A big strong man with big strong dreams. There is something about his face… his beautiful smile that keeps me almost in a dream-like state when I’m looking at him. But those words… the truth I so wanted to know- it all made reality sting me a few times… haunting me for the entire weekend.

I thought to myself ‘I will have to end it soon,’ with the intentions of talking to him when I took him home.

The drive to his house was quite. “Parting is such sweet sorrow” churned in my mind. We pulled into the drive, I put the car in park and looked up at him. He said “Thank you for letting me stay with you,” leaned over and kissed me. I looked into his eyes and said “Matt…”

Nothing more was said. His sister came out of the house with a distraught look… He opened the car door and she came over to him. She told him that they had to sign an order for the hospital not to resuscitate his father.

All color flushed from him. She told him that his father’s health had deteriorated over the past two days. That he stopped responding and had no movement. They would be taking him off the machines that kept him alive that night.

He looked at me with such a painful look, “I have to go inside. I’ll call you later.”
I backed down the driveway… on the verge of tears. A rash of guilt flooded my heart.

I was terribly worried about him the rest of the day Sunday. I had called him when I first got home… he was stoic. I told him if he needed anything… don’t hesitate to ask, and I’m here for him. He said he was going up to the hospital, and that if he could he’d call me later.

The hours crept by slowly… I was in a state of inertia. Things repeated themselves over and over in my mind… I do care for him. I don’t want him to suffer… and I knew he had never been given the love that I knew I could give him. I also knew that deep in my heart… I could not be with him. His wounds lie deep… the scars are many… and his love would never be enough.

At 6:30 am this morning, he called. His dad past away. He got the call 10 minutes before he called me. “He’s gone…” his voice cracked with sadness. “I’m sorry baby… I’m so sorry. I’ll be there in about an hour.” “Ok…” he cried, “bye.”

When I got there, he came out to me… I wrapped my arms around him. Again… he lay his head on my shoulder and cried. I held him for 5 minutes… we went inside. His mother was asleep. He told me that he hasn’t told her yet… she had just laid down after being up all night. I held him some more and after about half an hour later he was calm and we talked a little bit about some of the things he needs to do.

His ex called… she wanted him to come and get her and his daughter- but not for what you think. He argued with her… after a couple of these phone calls he told me what was going on. More things I didn’t want to know. You see… she’s the mother of his daughter… and she’s 8 months pregnant with another of his children. And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.

I said “You need to go be with her… you may not be together at the moment… but she is always going to be a part of your life. You need to make peace.”

He looked at me and said that he didn’t want to be with her, he needed me. He said he wouldn’t have been so calm without me there and that he wouldn’t have been as nice to her. After a while of back and forth, he decided to go- said he would call me when he got back and hugged me. I got in my car, he kissed me a couple of times… and I drove off.

Now… here I sit typing this up… trying to make sense of my thoughts, thinking I’m in a bit of shock. I believe I’ve been in shock since I got home yesterday. Chaos trying to weed out the chaotic… What am I doing???

I’ve got some information for him about having funeral expenses covered for veterans… it’s been 2 hours since I left him… and I await his phone call…

Head pounding, heart aching… stomach twisted in knots.