Cognitive Overkill...

I’m very tired. I couldn’t even begin to know exhaustion like he has though… or his mother.

Tuesday night I sat with him and went through stacks of photos… pulling out all the photos of his dad. His eyes became very bloodshot, glazed over with tears… and he had to step away a couple of times.

I’ve seen him everyday since last Friday. I’ve watched him go from a state of shock and disbelief to a type of numbness. Occasionally getting lost in his thoughts… staring off into space… randomly watching his eyes fill with tears.

Last night I just wanted to hold him, cradle him in my arms and rock him to sleep.

Today… his family is having a memorial service for his father. He was cremated, so they aren’t having a regular funeral… I will not be attending.

Inertia

I’ve been talking a little with my sister about my situation with this guy. There are serious things he’s shared with me that have me dazed and confused. I told my sister that I seriously have no idea why I’m so drawn to the guy… there are things about him I just don’t like at all… but when he looks at me… when he smiles at me… I just don’t care about all that other stuff.

My issue is when I get home… when I’m not with him the details of his life gnaw at me. I get so stressed out over it…

Everything has happened so fast… it has overwhelmed me terribly. Last night I was thinking my stress has a lot to do with not questioning him thoroughly about everything he’s shared with me. The timing isn’t right… his dad just died. I’ve slowly asked a few questions, and moved away from the subject quickly… but I haven’t asked the things I want to…

I have told him that I have some serious concerns about being involved with him… and he understands. I’ve even gone as far to tell him that I have no idea why I’m still staying with him… but there’s something about him that captivates my heart. That did bother him a little, but I explained I have to be honest… and when something is eating at me as bad as this is… I have to express how I feel- whether or not it’s a good time… but we could talk about it in more detail later on.

Last night he told me that he really cares for me again… so much so he fears it goes far deeper than that. I told him that the circumstances haven’t exactly been normal for us since we started dating… and that the trauma of losing his dad has him extremely emotional and possibly a bit confused at the moment. We both are, and we don’t really know if these feelings are true. He said he knew… they are real, that he started to feel that way before his dad died. All I said was “We’ll see.”

I think about all the junk he’s told me… and my mouth falls open.
I stroke the side of his face with my hand and I forget what he’s told me.
I listen to his war stories and my head shakes with disapproval.
When we embrace… I am at ease and nothing else matters.

These mixed feelings are equally profound… and I am beside myself.

Lyrics Stuck in My Noodle…

She never let on how insane it was
in that tiny, kinda scary house
by the woods…

So many storms not right somehow...
how a lion becomes a mouse
by the woods…

You don't need a space ship…
they don't know you've already lived
on the other side of the galaxy…

But I have to get to TEXAS…
And I'll give away my blue, blue dress.

Tori Amos – Black Dove