Happy Halloween!

A blessed Samhain! I cannot go out and celebrate, boohoo, but I will burn a candle! I hope you all get some goodies worth hording under your pillows!

Hey Sam Sistah...

Go get cho' man...

*evil grins*

Yeah baby... I'm coming for you!

That's right buddy... you're in for some ass-kickin' when I visit next!

Drama Queendom…

Why yes, I am a drama queen, thank you very much. I want you to feel what I feel, see what I see and experience what I experience. I make outrageous facial expressions, use action packed hand gestures and extremely descriptive, unusual words.

If I can convey the emotional aspect of my message, leaving you feeling what I feel, etc., I have not just communicated with you, I have also attempted to share with you the actual experience as I did.

My expressive nature can be considered a curse or a delight- depending…

Sometimes…

I would rather not express exactly what I am thinking but, unfortunately, my facial expressions give me away- driving me to be- not just honest but brutally honest, as I’ve been told.

Let’s say you cooked what you deem a wonderful meal and are anxious to share it with me… expecting grand praise of some sort… but instead receive a puckered, disgusted look- starting from the moment I took a ‘whiff’ of it to the moment I hesitantly took a small bite. I am unable to finish the meal and I am unable to provide you the courtesy of not telling you what I think… my facial expression tells all and encourages you to ask what is wrong. Then, having been asked, I am compelled to tell you exactly what I think is wrong with it or what I don’t like about it.

You are insulted!

“Well fine! I will never cook for you again since you hate this so much!”

“oOoOh now come on (eyebrows forming the sympathetic triangle), just because I don’t like this particular dish doesn’t mean I think your entire range (stretching one arm outward, moving it in a swinging motion from one side of my body to the opposite) of cooking sucks… it might actually be pretty good (head nodding, eyebrows perked with possibility) if you didn’t put so many onions, along with all the Cajun spices, in it. It kills (disturbed facial squint) the taste of the entire meal for me because my eyes are watering (opening my eyes wide- and with my eyes that’s no small thing), my nose is running and I’m choking down water every couple bites (grabbing my throat).”

“Well everyone else says it’s fabulous! ‘You’ seem to be the only one that has problems with it.”

“I’m not everyone else, my particular taste buds are different and I have a delicate pallet (sarcastic chortle). No need to get upset over this… (shaking my head back and forth), I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, ‘I’ (hand spread-finger on my chest) just didn’t care for this particular dish because it was too spicy- so maybe it is just ‘me.’ (shrugging, with palms up, then dropping arms, hands slapping legs as if suggesting “I give up”)

“What eh-ver!”

You do not talk to me for several days.

That ‘type’ of scenario happens to me frequently. This particular scenario did not happen, but is a variant of one that did happen and a meal my sister cooked (my sister does not get upset if I don’t like what she cooks, btw- she just shrugs and says “I like it,” and that’s it).

In the end, I reassured you that it wasn’t you directly; it was just this particular meal. I explained what exactly caused my dislike and that it wasn’t meant as an insult… ultimately giving you the benefit that it could very well be just ‘me.’

What is so ‘brutal’ about this???

I’m in the MoOd…

For love… but I feel I can’t trust it anymore. I just don’t really trust anyone anymore… with the exception of my dearest Sam and her man. It’s sad… but I just think everyone is full of shit and take what they say as just a bunch of empty words without any legitimate value or meaning.

My own thoughts betray me now- racing through one imaginary fabrication after another, trying to put together puzzle pieces that have randomly been scattered- but do not complete one entire individual puzzle- all the while making wild assumptions and predictions. All that work I did to understand my own behavior and live with an open mind- I never stopped to think about how someone else’s behavior can seriously throw you for a loop- corrupting you.

Reflecting back on when I was with Chris, I never doubted him. I never thought he was lying to me, I never questioned the things he said he was going to do as falsities and I never once questioned his loyalty to me as a friend. Ultimately, our downfall was due to him just not having that spark inside his heart that made him want to be with me and take the next step in our relationship. I came to accept that… I wasn’t the ‘one’ for him… the one he wanted to share his life with. Though it took quite a while for us to let things go and get along, in the end we are greater friends than when we were together- and I still have that complete trust in him. I don’t think we can make it as a couple, but I do believe we have life long friends within each other. This was the last time I had true faith in someone.

I watch the arrogance of people- bragging about various things, insulting those they deem unworthy, embellishing the daily events of their lives to glorify themselves - Sophistocrats as I call them… Anal bureaucrat types who can’t break routine and cast judgment on those who don’t conform to their standard ideals… all the while believing themselves sophisticated, intellectual & highly morally people. Nothing but hypocrites and walking contradictions. I have seen so many lies spew out of these people it pollutes the atmosphere- spreading the contagion on to those who would never behave in that manner- but in order to keep up without being drowned, they begin to spew the very same lies.

Matt was not sophisticated, intellectual or highly moral… but the very first thing I told him… on our first date even, was to never lie to me. That I didn’t care what the ugly truth was, I had to know I could believe him and trust him. After a few dates, he shared things with me that I just couldn’t fathom experiencing. He told me secret after secret- ultimately waiting for me to judge. Though I told him I didn’t know how to react most of the time, I would come to reason- and say “Well- people change and that was the past.” After sharing all these secrets and past experiences with me that seems to come straight of Jerry Springer… he had my trust. I didn’t doubt what he said, and I had faith he would give me the honesty that a rare 1% of people can give and still get along with complete love. It appeared he was… we progressed and I moved in.

Well… after all that, he spewed the biggest lie I ever heard. Something so incredible that is has complete overcooked my noodles and I have become a suspicious wretch who rolls her eyes at people when telling a story seemingly unbelievable or slightly exceptional. It’s truly pathetic. So now I am tormented day to day with lies that I am not even sure exist… my free spirit is full of doubt and I have become a hermit. I prefer to be alone, lost in my art- totally avoiding the possibilities of twisted truths, becoming completely apprehensive.

I grew up with the red pen… I have been picked apart and slapped with the brutal truth 50 million times. And though I may not like it- though it may sting worse than a jelly-fish, I know who I can go to and receive the utter truth… the ugly truth… and I go to them when I want nothing but the truth. I do have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. If you don’t really want to know, don’t ask- and if you aren’t asked- don’t offer- but I do not believe that to be dishonest- more of a courtesy.

Has honesty become just an impractical romantic notion that no longer exists because people are too sensitive and/or scared to face the truth and/or the consequences of truth?

Random Phrase

I think I mentioned that a long, long time ago these random phrases pop into my head… Poppers I called them… well here’s the one that just popped in my head as I was writing this post… seemingly out of the blue with absolutely no relation to what I was writing.

In the stillness of your beauty...

Whoops!

So sorry Sam!!!! George is great! The vet said he’s in pretty good shape overall, gave me some arthritis meds for him- and it’s made a huge improvement on him. Grumpy lil’ doggy… he’s getting mean in his old age… bully bully! But at the same time, when he wants some lovin’ I swear he thinks he’s a cat! All up on me- laying his head on me and rubbing up against me like a cat… I love my moody puppy.

Things and Junk

Well I’ve been eXtrEmEly busy at work- but my new assistant starts Monday! YIPPIE!! He’s got a degree, 3 years experience and a very nice portfolio. I think he’s going to work out great! I’ve been so busy at work… and so annoyed- unmotivated that I look at my pile o’work with disgust and dread.. *sigh*

I’ve been busy making jewelry for Christmas and working on my art- so I haven’t updated here. I guess in all honesty I just want to keep myself busy so my brain doesn’t start cooking noodles on Matt. But- it always ends up on him. It’s strange… I just don’t know what it is about this guy- honestly a total loser bound to a life lacking real meaning or goals- but I miss him tremendously. I guess because I could really be myself with him, without worrying about him casting judgment on me or thinking I’m just strange. From all my naughtiness to nuttiness- ahh well. Time will mend.

Well damn it… I had pictures I wanted to post- but my damn ftp site is down… they haven’t been a good service lately…

Anyway… I think it’s time for another vacation. Wonder if those mountain cows miss me yet.

I burn...

I am an emotional person. I burn from one extreme to the other... from happiness to sadness, from joy to anger... whatever I feel, I truly feel. Passionate and a little off key... would you have me any other way?

No real time to post… my dad has back surgery tomorrow to replace the tube in his internal pain med pump… he’s been soOo sick the past couple of weeks. Moderate pancreatitis… and without the medication, similar to morphine- my dad goes through the DT’s… soOo… it’s not been very pleasant to watch. Anyhoo… gotta get things caught up so I can take off work tomorrow.

And I’m taking George to the vet tomorrow.

Catch up sometime soon I freakin’ hope!!!

*smOoch*

Duality...

Click the image to view the piece entirely. The duality of a broken heart weighs heavily on me. Fighting my passions- trying to rationalize love… but logic and reason hold me back. I’ve been torn since day one of my relationship with Matt… I’m trying ever so desperately to completely cut our ties. But my logic is he’s just using me- or stuck in a rut that nobody but himself can help him out of…

My love tries to make me stay with him through these hardships in his life… to show him that I will stand beside him when no other has… but killing myself in the process isn’t going to work. I just can’t do it anymore… and I just don’t want it anymore. He has to feed something… my passion, my love, heck even my lust… but he hasn’t done anything to make me think he’s worth the torment I’ve put myself through.

My imagination runs wild with suspicions… I can’t trust him and believe everything he spews out of his mouth to be farce. It’s like he has to glorify himself… really only to himself… because all else proves he’s not worth time & effort.

So ok…

I haven’t been updating like I’ve wanted to. Any time I went to post I couldn’t upload images to my ftp server and any time I called to find out what’s up there was something going on at my hosting place. But now… it’s all better.

Only one thing… I’ve had to reformat my hard drive 4 times in the past month… and frankly I haven’t felt like touching the damn computer let alone blog. I have a suspicion my nephew has been experienting on my computer- but it too scared to admitt it because I've been steaming mad... it's only obvious though- when I come home from work and my computer is turned completely sideways... geez. And I'm sorry but the ghosts I have with me a not computer literate...

Samantha my dear… you must have the Shockwave Flash plug-in to use yahoo. I found that out after having to reformat my dang computer so many times.

I have managed to save topics and stories… it’s just a matter of posting them now. I have a hot topic for my dearest Sam, sexually related of course… soOo be on the look out for that!

Ten Things going on with me…

1. My left ear has an infection, I woke up this morning unable to hear out of it. Fun Fun… (it’s always around this time of year I get sick)

2. I am still horny as ever… but now since I’ve completely broken up with Matt, I’ve got no one to play with… well ok, so I do have people who want to play with me, but I really don’t feel like messing with it... too much hassle heh. (runs out to get batteries for toyz)

3. I am still hung up on Matt… why? Cause I love him… but I just don’t have anything left to give him and if the way he’s loved me in the past several months is what he has to offer- I don’t want it anymore. I’ve told him this… he still fights it. He’s got nothing… NOTHING!!!! The sex doesn’t even keep me coming to see him, and that in my book is pretty dang sad… but my heart is still very sad and disappointed that I gave him soOo much… and I received nothing but heartache in return. I can’t just turn my feelings off… I wish I could, but at least I recognize that it will never work between us.

4. I am trying to hire a new assistant… yes I’ve fired another. First rule of thumb as a graphic designer is DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CUT THE COMPANY LOGO IN HALF. If I need to tell you more than 3 times, you’ve pissed me off, more than 6- you’ve proven you are incompetent. I have petitioned to PAY better, getting a more qualified applicant and someone capable of sharing the workload. I don’t want an assistant… I want an equal. I’m getting pretty brunt out at work… need inspiration desperately… need new blood… someone with experience and fresh ideas. Now I’m going through this whole debacle of trying to get a measly $17 approved for a reasonably experienced graphic designer. In the mean time, I am getting buried with work and burnt out/pissed off more and more as each day goes by.

5. I am too scared to take my George to the vet. I love him so dearly… his arthritis is getting worse… he falls constantly, can barely stand at times and for the first time ever- sat down in the tub while I bathed him. This broke my heart. I’ve been giving him baby aspirins which seem to help… but I know I should take him to the vet to get something stronger… I’m just terribly afraid the vet is going to say something I just couldn’t fathom. Please send your positive energies to my puppy, my heart- my George.

6. I freakin’ miss my sistah Sam. We haven’t got to talk much lately and it’s driving me insane. Sam my sistah, I shall give you a buzz tonight around 9ish central time! Be ready!

7. I miss my life before Matt. It was just fabulous… now I feel like I have to start all over again… and at my age- to me- that freakin’ sucks. My trust and faith in people is going down hill and I’d prefer to be by myself most of the time. Who knows what the truth is these days... I find people lie entirely too much over extremely stupid things.

8. My niece Monique is pregnant. Yep… turns out the ol’ honeymoon night was the conception night. Though greatly disappointed that she married so young and now is having a child… I am slowly coming around to the idea and slowly getting excited for her and her mama's boy husband.

9. My nephew’s girlfriend is due to have her baby any time now. She went to the hospital last night with contractions… mind you she’s only 20- she was freaked out. But they sent her home… no baby yet. They are having a girl. His girlfriend is probably the most petite girl I have ever met… seriously border-line dwarf. She is as pregnant as pregnant can be… and looks like a weeble-wobble. So, I’ve dubbed her weeble-wobble. She hates it. She’s a little brat anyway- so it’s ok.

10. I am speaking to a publishing agent about finally getting my poetry/art book published. Wish me luck… I am scheduling a meeting with her to show her my draft layout and basic concept. Positive thoughts greatly appreciated!

Miss you all!

P.S. My dedication to Katrina... late post but I've had technical difficulties.