I’m in the MoOd…

For love… but I feel I can’t trust it anymore. I just don’t really trust anyone anymore… with the exception of my dearest Sam and her man. It’s sad… but I just think everyone is full of shit and take what they say as just a bunch of empty words without any legitimate value or meaning.

My own thoughts betray me now- racing through one imaginary fabrication after another, trying to put together puzzle pieces that have randomly been scattered- but do not complete one entire individual puzzle- all the while making wild assumptions and predictions. All that work I did to understand my own behavior and live with an open mind- I never stopped to think about how someone else’s behavior can seriously throw you for a loop- corrupting you.

Reflecting back on when I was with Chris, I never doubted him. I never thought he was lying to me, I never questioned the things he said he was going to do as falsities and I never once questioned his loyalty to me as a friend. Ultimately, our downfall was due to him just not having that spark inside his heart that made him want to be with me and take the next step in our relationship. I came to accept that… I wasn’t the ‘one’ for him… the one he wanted to share his life with. Though it took quite a while for us to let things go and get along, in the end we are greater friends than when we were together- and I still have that complete trust in him. I don’t think we can make it as a couple, but I do believe we have life long friends within each other. This was the last time I had true faith in someone.

I watch the arrogance of people- bragging about various things, insulting those they deem unworthy, embellishing the daily events of their lives to glorify themselves - Sophistocrats as I call them… Anal bureaucrat types who can’t break routine and cast judgment on those who don’t conform to their standard ideals… all the while believing themselves sophisticated, intellectual & highly morally people. Nothing but hypocrites and walking contradictions. I have seen so many lies spew out of these people it pollutes the atmosphere- spreading the contagion on to those who would never behave in that manner- but in order to keep up without being drowned, they begin to spew the very same lies.

Matt was not sophisticated, intellectual or highly moral… but the very first thing I told him… on our first date even, was to never lie to me. That I didn’t care what the ugly truth was, I had to know I could believe him and trust him. After a few dates, he shared things with me that I just couldn’t fathom experiencing. He told me secret after secret- ultimately waiting for me to judge. Though I told him I didn’t know how to react most of the time, I would come to reason- and say “Well- people change and that was the past.” After sharing all these secrets and past experiences with me that seems to come straight of Jerry Springer… he had my trust. I didn’t doubt what he said, and I had faith he would give me the honesty that a rare 1% of people can give and still get along with complete love. It appeared he was… we progressed and I moved in.

Well… after all that, he spewed the biggest lie I ever heard. Something so incredible that is has complete overcooked my noodles and I have become a suspicious wretch who rolls her eyes at people when telling a story seemingly unbelievable or slightly exceptional. It’s truly pathetic. So now I am tormented day to day with lies that I am not even sure exist… my free spirit is full of doubt and I have become a hermit. I prefer to be alone, lost in my art- totally avoiding the possibilities of twisted truths, becoming completely apprehensive.

I grew up with the red pen… I have been picked apart and slapped with the brutal truth 50 million times. And though I may not like it- though it may sting worse than a jelly-fish, I know who I can go to and receive the utter truth… the ugly truth… and I go to them when I want nothing but the truth. I do have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. If you don’t really want to know, don’t ask- and if you aren’t asked- don’t offer- but I do not believe that to be dishonest- more of a courtesy.

Has honesty become just an impractical romantic notion that no longer exists because people are too sensitive and/or scared to face the truth and/or the consequences of truth?

Random Phrase

I think I mentioned that a long, long time ago these random phrases pop into my head… Poppers I called them… well here’s the one that just popped in my head as I was writing this post… seemingly out of the blue with absolutely no relation to what I was writing.

In the stillness of your beauty...