Duality...

Click the image to view the piece entirely. The duality of a broken heart weighs heavily on me. Fighting my passions- trying to rationalize love… but logic and reason hold me back. I’ve been torn since day one of my relationship with Matt… I’m trying ever so desperately to completely cut our ties. But my logic is he’s just using me- or stuck in a rut that nobody but himself can help him out of…

My love tries to make me stay with him through these hardships in his life… to show him that I will stand beside him when no other has… but killing myself in the process isn’t going to work. I just can’t do it anymore… and I just don’t want it anymore. He has to feed something… my passion, my love, heck even my lust… but he hasn’t done anything to make me think he’s worth the torment I’ve put myself through.

My imagination runs wild with suspicions… I can’t trust him and believe everything he spews out of his mouth to be farce. It’s like he has to glorify himself… really only to himself… because all else proves he’s not worth time & effort.

So ok…

I haven’t been updating like I’ve wanted to. Any time I went to post I couldn’t upload images to my ftp server and any time I called to find out what’s up there was something going on at my hosting place. But now… it’s all better.

Only one thing… I’ve had to reformat my hard drive 4 times in the past month… and frankly I haven’t felt like touching the damn computer let alone blog. I have a suspicion my nephew has been experienting on my computer- but it too scared to admitt it because I've been steaming mad... it's only obvious though- when I come home from work and my computer is turned completely sideways... geez. And I'm sorry but the ghosts I have with me a not computer literate...

Samantha my dear… you must have the Shockwave Flash plug-in to use yahoo. I found that out after having to reformat my dang computer so many times.

I have managed to save topics and stories… it’s just a matter of posting them now. I have a hot topic for my dearest Sam, sexually related of course… soOo be on the look out for that!

Ten Things going on with me…

1. My left ear has an infection, I woke up this morning unable to hear out of it. Fun Fun… (it’s always around this time of year I get sick)

2. I am still horny as ever… but now since I’ve completely broken up with Matt, I’ve got no one to play with… well ok, so I do have people who want to play with me, but I really don’t feel like messing with it... too much hassle heh. (runs out to get batteries for toyz)

3. I am still hung up on Matt… why? Cause I love him… but I just don’t have anything left to give him and if the way he’s loved me in the past several months is what he has to offer- I don’t want it anymore. I’ve told him this… he still fights it. He’s got nothing… NOTHING!!!! The sex doesn’t even keep me coming to see him, and that in my book is pretty dang sad… but my heart is still very sad and disappointed that I gave him soOo much… and I received nothing but heartache in return. I can’t just turn my feelings off… I wish I could, but at least I recognize that it will never work between us.

4. I am trying to hire a new assistant… yes I’ve fired another. First rule of thumb as a graphic designer is DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CUT THE COMPANY LOGO IN HALF. If I need to tell you more than 3 times, you’ve pissed me off, more than 6- you’ve proven you are incompetent. I have petitioned to PAY better, getting a more qualified applicant and someone capable of sharing the workload. I don’t want an assistant… I want an equal. I’m getting pretty brunt out at work… need inspiration desperately… need new blood… someone with experience and fresh ideas. Now I’m going through this whole debacle of trying to get a measly $17 approved for a reasonably experienced graphic designer. In the mean time, I am getting buried with work and burnt out/pissed off more and more as each day goes by.

5. I am too scared to take my George to the vet. I love him so dearly… his arthritis is getting worse… he falls constantly, can barely stand at times and for the first time ever- sat down in the tub while I bathed him. This broke my heart. I’ve been giving him baby aspirins which seem to help… but I know I should take him to the vet to get something stronger… I’m just terribly afraid the vet is going to say something I just couldn’t fathom. Please send your positive energies to my puppy, my heart- my George.

6. I freakin’ miss my sistah Sam. We haven’t got to talk much lately and it’s driving me insane. Sam my sistah, I shall give you a buzz tonight around 9ish central time! Be ready!

7. I miss my life before Matt. It was just fabulous… now I feel like I have to start all over again… and at my age- to me- that freakin’ sucks. My trust and faith in people is going down hill and I’d prefer to be by myself most of the time. Who knows what the truth is these days... I find people lie entirely too much over extremely stupid things.

8. My niece Monique is pregnant. Yep… turns out the ol’ honeymoon night was the conception night. Though greatly disappointed that she married so young and now is having a child… I am slowly coming around to the idea and slowly getting excited for her and her mama's boy husband.

9. My nephew’s girlfriend is due to have her baby any time now. She went to the hospital last night with contractions… mind you she’s only 20- she was freaked out. But they sent her home… no baby yet. They are having a girl. His girlfriend is probably the most petite girl I have ever met… seriously border-line dwarf. She is as pregnant as pregnant can be… and looks like a weeble-wobble. So, I’ve dubbed her weeble-wobble. She hates it. She’s a little brat anyway- so it’s ok.

10. I am speaking to a publishing agent about finally getting my poetry/art book published. Wish me luck… I am scheduling a meeting with her to show her my draft layout and basic concept. Positive thoughts greatly appreciated!

Miss you all!

P.S. My dedication to Katrina... late post but I've had technical difficulties.