Curious...

I wonder how different it actually is to be in a relationship with a woman, compared to a man.

I have loved women... but in a platonic, coveting kind of way. I wonder the difference between being in love with a woman and being in love with a man.

Would she be more like what I need/want?

Yeah...

So what’s this madness you ask?
I’ve been asking myself the same fucking question.

So it’s all a pretty big dramatic brouhaha… within myself anyway.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me guys… I’m in a funk. This whole moving in thing is turning out to be far, far more extreme than I originally thought. I’m crying just about every other night.

How much can love make you do? Or at least… what you perceive is love. I am miserable… I’m rendering myself powerless and I’m fully aware of it. I fight and argue with myself everyday about what I am doing.

I see his smiling face and my heart swells... my body turns warm and I long for his touch on my skin, his kisses on my neck and his body next to mine.

I came to write the details of what’s been going on in my life for the past couple of weeks… but the sad fact is I just don’t want to think about it.

I’m here. I’m not fully moved in… but I’m here.

I’m not really here… I don’t know where I am.
I try not to think about it… but my soul makes me.

So the last picture was about how disgusted I am… living conditions are that bad guys. I’m spending my money until I am absolutely broke buying things to try to help me feel more comfortable… really to keep the bugs off the food and my junk. Hence, the previous picture with the money… and the first picture… well there’s a dark dark cloud trailing me… along with several skeletons I can’t keep shut in his closet.

I can’t believe after everything I worked so hard to change… after the promise I made myself not to be irresponsible… I made a bad decision.

And I can’t go back… I just can’t.

Sordid... to the extreme.

It's truly appalling.

99 Cent Hamburger...

Yeah... it was pretty gross.

Well... when I get the energy to sit and write the novel of junk that's been going on in my life... I'll update you. In the meantime... the current set of images depict the mess called my life and what’s going on.

Samantha
Hi sistah! I love you! I miss you!

Taquito Splatter...

I am a mess.

Fancy That...

Sometimes… I just wanna be spoiled. Ok… well not just sometimes, but most of the time heh. Lavish me with affection, sparkly shiny things and give me some wonderful oh-so-yummy chocolate and ice cream.

Give me some lovin’ and massage my feets, massage my booty… and massage my head. Mmmm I love them head rubbin’s. Run your fingers through my hair and gently caress my skull… then watch the goose-pimples pop across my skin and my arm hairs stand up.

Do not suck my toes though… I can’t stand that. It’s gross.

*sigh* Someone please come spoil me heh… I need to feel like a princess for a day or so…

These Things Happen In 3’s…

Matt and I have gotten pretty serious… we are still learning a lot about each other, but for the most part we are comfortable and enjoy each other’s company.

The death of his father bound us tightly together after maybe 3 weeks of dating. It was a strange experience going through the death of his father with him… considering I still didn’t really know him or his family. His brother and sister first met me at the hospital the night his father was admitted.

One month later, his grandmother dies… so more trauma to his family made him hold onto me tighter. Fortunately, his grandmother was a good old age and lived a very long life. It was just time, unlike his father’s death, which took the entire family by surprise. But he said if it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have been able to recover as well as he has. He still gets really sad from time to time… he found one of his dad’s shirts mixed in his clothes, picked it up, smelled it and cried. The shirt still smelled like his dad.

I’ve spent the night at my house just once in the past 3 weeks… staying with him the entire time.
The idea of me moving in with him came up… he loves me and wants me there with him. Our first date was in March (I only remember that because I blogged about it and looked it up)… and have been seeing each other exclusively since. So a little over 3 months… I have spent a lot of time with him… a lot of talking and getting closer. After 3 weeks of heavy consideration, I’ve decided I will move in with him… for various reasons.

I know that’s not very long to be seeing someone and then decide to move in with them. My point of view is you can never really tell something is going to work out- whether it’s 3 months or 3 years. I’ve had my share of serious relationships. I’ve lived with 3 men… I don’t think that really matters. Any way you go, there’s a chance things will fail miserably or be a dream come true… you just never know. One thing you can count on is that if you don’t take the chance… you’ll never know either way. I feel comfortable enough with him to take this step. We’ve talked about it and said we can see how it goes for 6 months. That’s great to me.

The house he lives in is shit… needs major repairs and serious cleaning… but I’ve already started doing that. His mom can’t take care of herself… hell she can barely get up and walk to the bathroom by herself. And do you think a guy like Matt is going to take the time to wipe down the fridge or cabinets? He’s a muscle-head-grease-monkey… soOo…

I’m ok with it all. I’m ok with his ex and the fact that he has kids (they don’t live with him though). I do get jealous… goddess knows why… but I usually huff and puff- he’ll wrap his arms around me and say “Baby you have nothing to worry about,” kiss me and give me one of those make-me-melt smiles.

So there you have my announcement. I’m moving in with my boyfriend. I love him and I’m willing to give it a chance. I know it won’t be easy, I know I will be frustrated from time to time… but um… isn’t that life??? I am just happy in general to have been able to experience this man, know him and love him.

Yeep!

This image was done a few days ago. It's mainly about withdrawing... but not completely disappearing...

Anyhoo... I have Photoshop 6 instead of 7 now... which is really no big deal. But, my computer still has viruses... I've been doing what few images I've finished at work or at Matt's house.

I've got a big announcement coming soon... stay tuned!

I’m a genius!

Yes, I am a genius!

I created a new word yesterday… it absolutely made me crack up. I’m crazy… but you all should know this by now… if someone goes what’s that smell or what was that strange noise… I respond with “I farted.” I especially do it if something smells good, lol! Yes I get strange looks, sometimes chuckles… anyway…

In the bad neighborhood that Matt lives in, there were firecrackers going off randomly throughout the night. Well I’d like to think they are firecrackers cause it’s the 4th of July weekend, and not gunshots… the dog kept getting freaked out over those pops… Matt’s mom asked “What is that noise?” Of course my first response is… “I farted,” but I didn’t say it out loud. I started thinking to myself… I farted, I am a vantrilofartist… I can throw my farts.

Needless to say, I laughed out loud… people looked at me like “What’s so funny” but I thought it better appreciated in my own head…

SoO, my new word…

Vantrilofartist: Noun – The art of projecting one's fart so that it seems to come from another source.

I'm not on any mind-altering substances either… I’m sure if I were- it would be far, far more hilarious to me.

Sextantrum

Lover has had a severe toothache as of late… the other night he was in so much pain that he took a couple pain pills and drank most of my vodka dammit… needless to stay he was pretty toasted. I don’t know how in the world he did it… but he burned his dick with a cigarette. I discovered the burn while giving him oral pleasure… when I was still suffering the curse.

The curse broke this past Thursday and I was extremely hot… I’m talking Kinky hot too. Have been ever since… we go at it a couple time and he determines we need to give it a rest for a couple of days to let the burn heal.

WTF!!! I had been waiting a few days already! The curse had me down! Now! Now what?!?!? A cigarette burned dick.

No amazing sex… no shoot my fireworks off for the 4th… no nuffin.

IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!