Arabesque Actualization...

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I have been mighty complex lately... and I just realized this past weekend the extent of my complexity. After a rise and fall of emotions- I sat yesterday stupefied over the reasoning behind some of my thinking. Not to mention Mother Nature’s curse is about to hit me… and that seems to amplify my emotional state- whether happy or sad.

Lately, I’ve been getting everything I want… save one. It’s been quite amazing and I’ve been fairly euphoric… save one situation.

This situation, rather a longing for one person in particular, is quite simple- but I am complicating it. What’s even more interesting, to me anyway, is I’m only complicating the situation within myself, he knows nothing of it.

I entered the situation knowing full well there could never be anything more to it than a little fun and a new friend. Both of us have things going on in our lives that make anything ‘serious’ or long term virtually impossible. I have entered relationships like this before and never had any issues- I didn’t get too attached and was always content with the way things were. This one is different for me… I can’t, for the life of me, understand why this particular situation is taking a drastic turn in my heart.

I want him completely- plain and simple. I can’t have him completely- plain and simple. I knew this getting into it and I know it now as the reality of it sets in. The complicity of it lies within my mind and heart.

I wasnt to kiss him freely, at any moment, any time. I want to hold his hand, I want to wrap my arms around him and not let go. I want to laugh and play with him more and more… I want to pick up the phone and call him whenever the mood strikes me and say ‘Hey! Let’s go…” and I can’t… He’s the only one I want sexually right now too… and damn it’s tough.

I don’t want to burden him with this either… I can’t say I honestly want to feel this way… or have it reciprocated. As much as I go on about passion and love, I ‘KNOW’ deep in my heart that our lives are going in different directions.

So why isn’t logic allowing me to keep levelheaded about it? Why isn’t the truth helping me understand that getting attached to him will not turn into anything more than my own heartache?

Passion and Love have no boundaries… no matter how much we try to draw a line around them. You try to keep things separated into their own little boxes… but these two things cannot be contained. You can try to convince yourself something is nothing more, nothing less… but when you least expect it… it comes gushing out and overwhelms you- over takes you and leaves you thunderstruck.

I haven’t wanted anyone this badly in a long while… and this has me all twisted. I can say everything else in life is just ‘Peachy’… but this tips the scales more than I’m comfortable with… and I don’t know what to do with myself.

That’s life though… isn’t it?