Novitiate's Noodles

Bleh Blogger

2007-02-23T14:50:00.000-08:00

Well I donno WTF. I make a post, check it out... everything looks fine.

I come back a day later and there's funky html jargon posted where line breaks are supposed to be.

Steeeeeee-range.

My first post did that do and I had to edit the html to get the jargon out. Well, at least I can correct it. I wonder if it has something to do with FireFox vs. Internet Explorer. I started using FireFox at home… and that is what I have made my most recent posts in… hrmmm.

I donno. I hope it doesn’t become a pain in the ass.

Better Bloggage

Later… I’ll post more bibble later.

Postponage

2007-02-21T19:41:00.000-08:00

Well my mom’s surgery was cancelled and rescheduled for Tuesday. Gravy.

I took off Thursday & Friday… which I was soO looking forward to tomorrow off. Her surgery wasn’t supposed to be until Friday. But, now I must go into work. Woe is me.

*sigh* I will reschedule to take off Tuesday and Wednesday… or until she is released from the hospital.

And now I have 5 more days of worry to deal with. The surgery is stressful enough, but being paranoid she’s going to have a stroke at any minute, especially while huffing and puffing a cigarette… and me mine, is maddening.

Toonage

I watched Flushed Away last night. That’s a great lil’ movie. I thought the adult connotations were a bit strong for the intended viewing audience… but overall it was great. I giggled and watched intently. The slugs are great.

Pigmy Monster

I got a new puppy a week after George was put down. It was probably too soon, but I do love him. I did, and sometimes still, feel guilty- like somehow I was betraying George. But I thought that there was nothing better to cheer up broken-hearted people than an adorable little puppy. See…

My Dad even got to see him before he died… he just shook his head at me with light-hearted disapproval.

His name is Bunker. He’s a rat terror… I mean terrier. He drives me insane. He will never, ever take the place of my Beloved George, he has no where near the same personality… quite the opposite, actually. But I do love him.

He’s soOo bad… a mini-monster… a very bad monster. He’s destructive when he’s lonely. He loves to chew cds. He’s eaten my Windows 2000, my Windows XP, my sound card drivers, 3 miscellaneous video games and 4 copies of Titans Quest. He’s also torn up the living room couch, eaten my digital camera cord and a pair of $65 Dr. Scholl’s that belonged to my mom… but I do love him. He makes me mad and laugh at the same time. Look at him now…

Could you stay mad at this face? This is really him, in all his terror, I mean glory.

Getting Current

2007-02-20T18:16:00.000-08:00

Excessive obscurity. The thought process dissipates.

Work Work

Last time I wrote about work, I wrote about the crappy assistants I was going through and the company website.

Well, I’ve hired a wonderful guy who has been my assistant for just about a year and a half now. He has the skills, is very creative, has a wonderful personality and is a great friend. I had to fight tooth and nail to get this guy because the company didn’t want to pay for an experienced person. History proved we needed to hire a pro versus someone right out of school or the temp agency.

The only qualm I have about it is that he makes only $1.60 less than me. I’ve been with the company 6 years, I built the graphics department from scratch and I continue to run it/improve it and evolve it. Needless to say, I am pretty disgruntled.

The industry my company serves has been taking a beating… and they have had a freeze on all pay raises for a year. I am very upset about the various duties I must perform vs. the pay I receive… and I am seriously on the verge of saying ‘Bite me, I’m outta here.’ But… I gotta weigh the pros & cons.

I’ve just requested a new computer to support graphic design. The cost of the machine is just about $2500 (which is actually pretty cheap). I’ve also requested an additional design program which is $800. I’ve requested two of each to be exact, because my assistant needs to have exactly what I have since we interchange projects. If they approve the purchase orders and we get new equipment/software, this will tide me over for another year.

Eh not really, I’ll probably continue to be disgruntled, just on a better workstation. But… we’ll see.

The website was switched from regional to national… and all I ended up doing was handing over all the work I did for Texas to our National IT department. That was actually a huge relief. I still make miscellaneous web pages for the company- but on a much smaller level. Right now I do all of the advertising and marketing materials for Dallas/Fort Worth & Houston. We just started adding Austin- which will completely merge with us over the next year.

Ultimately, I run on burnout 75% of the time and have to be Wonder Woman- but work for peanuts.

Dear Goddess… I soOo need to win the Texas Lotto.

I guess my chances of winning would be better if I actually had a fucking dollar to spend on the Texas Lotto… WOE IS ME.

Family

Bleh. I won’t go too much into family. I have to tune them out most of the time to stay sane.

I will say that my Mom’s health isn’t so good right now and I’m so stressed out over it. She has 78% blockage of the left artery in her neck. She started having these massive headaches and went to the neurologist to have her brain checked out. Well the test results indicated that my mom had evidence of several small strokes, so she was sent to the cardiologist.

Anyhoo… she is having surgery this Friday to have the blockage cleared out. High risk of stroke or heart attack…

She also has to have another surgery to fix a hernia she’s already had surgery on- twice. This last time they put some mesh-like thing in there… and well it’s too large. It causes her severe pain, makes her sick and unable to eat much. My Mom weighs a whopping 99 lbs. She’s a mess right now.

I am a mess as well. I don’t think I could handle losing my Mom less than a year from losing my Dad… and my George. No matter how much a fruit-loop I think she is.

The Return

2007-02-18T20:39:00.000-08:00

Wow… It has been ages since I have posted here.

When I logged on, the dust bunnies were entering their second world war against the dust mites. Spiders were being used as net cannons and tornado funnels of dust were whirling around… sheer virtual chaos.

So… I huffed and I puffed and I blew them all… underneath the desk. Sneezed a few times, but all was cleared enough to start pecking at the keyboard.

Time…

too little and so much.

The days have crept by… some slow, some fast. Filled with nothing more than eat, sleep, work, repeat cycle. Nights have always flown off too quickly for me. There never seems to be enough rest. None-the-less… time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking… into the future.

It took 6 months for my Dad’s health to completely deteriorate, as did my beloved George’s health (George was my most cherished pet- mini schnauzer or son in a manner of speaking). Their deaths- only 2 weeks apart.

It was the most mind-altering, heart-wrenching experience that I still have yet to recover from. Most people tell me that you never truly ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you just learn how to deal with it and continue living.

George died in my arms. My Dad died here at home.

Me? I walk in a mindless haze of clouds, drifting in and out of reality. And here I am to begin anew- the journey through my emotions, as time walks beside me… as time runs past me… as time falls behind me. I am here and here I am… again.

Robert J. Wester

2006-05-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

My loving father passed away Wednesday, May 10th, 2006 at 8:05am.

I love you Daddy. Be at peace now.

Anguish…

2006-02-21T14:49:00.000-08:00

He may have days, possibly weeks… but nevertheless, he is dying all too soon. Each day brings the fear, the realization closer. His mind slips farther and farther away… as his body moves less with each passing day.

The little girl inside my heart screams and sobs “No Daddy! Don’t go! Not yet! Not ever! Don’t leave me! Oh Daddy… my Daddy… you can’t die… you just can’t!” But… the semi-adult woman I try to be bears witness to his pain, his suffering… a type of torture… and longs for him to be at peace. Another duality I’ve come to know.

Death comes to steal the last bit of innocence I have… and I must experience the loss of a loved one. A ‘first’ I’d prefer not to add to the list I made some time ago.

Not to mention the major conflict of 'faith.' I'd prefer not to have some minister, a perfect stranger- as my father has not been to church in decades, give a sermon at my father’s funeral… but the entire family’s religion is that of a fundamental Christian nature. I can see it now… stones hurtling through the air as I stand before the mourning crowd of family and friends saying, “May the Goddess receive you and hold you close to her bosom.”

Poetic Deathbed…

How do you write a eulogistic (Christian, no less) poem that is to be read at your dying father’s funeral? My mother asked this of me. I didn’t think I could do it… a task excruciatingly difficult for one so emotional, such as myself. In fact, I didn’t think I would be able to breathe over the past couple of months… but I did- still am… and so I managed this:

All these falling tears, every wet and salty grain…
Are expressions of our love falling down like rain.

All these quivering hearts, every tremble and shake…
Are vibrations of our love that cause the earth to quake.

All these whispering cries, every breath and sigh…
Are the mournful songs of sorrow from having to say goodbye.

Loving Husband, Father, Brother and Friend…
We pray now that your glowing spirit may ascend
into Heaven’s open arms, into the angels’ warm embrace…
away from pain and suffering, into God’s everlasting grace.

RAW 2006

Daddy, I love you beyond expression, no word could ever describe
the joy and love you gave me, the peace I felt when at your side.
In this life you gave me courage, more than I could really show,
and, at this moment, when I must say goodbye…
it will be the courage you gave that allows me to let you go.

You will always and forever be in my heart…

Anyway...

You might decipher the 4 elements in there… 5 including the spirit… My mother and I are content with it… but yet... for some reason… I feel a bit blasphemous. Just another duality I must endure.

Contest Entry

2006-02-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

My entry for a contest over at Mystickal Incense & More Blog - writing about Love.

Dreaming of Love

I lay in my bed dreaming a dream beyond reality.
Dreaming a love of the most genuine purity.

The dream is so beautiful my body swells with
emotions words can't seem to express…
so they flow from my eyes in the form of salty streams.

How wonderful it would be to experience a love
so passionate that its energy passes through my
soul like currents of electricity flowing through water…
strong enough to stop the beating of my heart, yet at
the same time powerful enough to bring me back to life.

How terrifying it would be to love so deeply
it steals my very breath away and the pit of
my stomach cringes with agony each moment
I am deprived of this love.

The dream is a nightmare I cannot escape-
where happiness and misery coincide,
tormenting me… drowning me in a sundry of bitter emotion.

Though, as extraordinarily perverse love can be…
killing me slowly and instantaneously reviving me…
over and over again… I still ache for it.

~Robin

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Server Down...

2006-02-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

My server is down for a couple of days. Just FYI.

Daddy...

2006-01-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

(click for the full image)

Blog Dust...

2005-12-29T13:59:00.000-08:00

Clearing the cobwebs aside, I'll pop in a summary, a resolution, A MEOW and SPAM.

The Summary

* The evening of my last post my nephews put up the Christmas tree. It was lovely.
* The evening of my last post the realization that- this could very well be the last Christmas I spend with my Dad- bitch-slapped me so hard I was seeing stars for days.
* The day after my last post my Dad had fallen down 2 twice and ended up unable to walk. He didn’t break anything… his right leg stopped working.
* The day after that my Dad was admitted to the hospital. My dad is paralyzed and showing signs of dementia.

Christmas was good but somber. My heart aches and I cry sporadically. I am Daddy’s little girl… even at the ripe age of 31.

I am super-freaky busy with my jewelry website & making, with ‘work’ work and trying to keep myself from emotionally erupting, exploding and extinguishing. Don’t worry though, I’ll be fine.

A Resolution

I quit making resolutions years ago… but this New Year I will make one: I resolve to be more organized in general.

Resolve to lose weight? Fuck that… I’ll always have chub… I’m over that heh… who gives a shit if I’m fat- it’s never detoured me from getting laid by hot men, and that’s all that matters… isn’t it? *heh* Besides, I’m soft and squishy… the way a woman should be.

I’d resolve to blog more but… I hate feeling guilty about not blogging when I say I will so, fuck that too… I’m more interested in establishing my financial security at the moment.

A MEOW

‘member when I posted about what my nipples do when I orgasm? No? Re-cap: Fabulous orgasm both nipples get hard, mediocre orgasm one nipple gets hard (only the right nipple). Well…

The other night I gave myself the most incredible orgasm EVER… no man, no toys, no porn… just my fingers. It was soOo amazing that both my nipples were rock hard and sticking out farther than I’ve ever seen… I had the biggest shit grin on my face, too. My cheeks were actually sore from smiling so wide and long. What is my point??? I created a name for it. This orgasm is called: A M.E.O.W. A Most Excellent Orgasmic Wonder.

Hey… so I’m a geek, but at least it’s better than my ‘Vantrilofartist’ creation.

SPAM

I haven’t checked my email in days… I go into my spam filter folder and suddenly realized as I was skimming the subject/from lines I was making comments…

CREDIT & CASH – Yes please.
REAL SINGLES – I prefer 12 packs.
ITS INSIDE – I fucking wish!
BRAIN UPGRADES - A few people I know might be interested in this…
POWER TOOLS – Mental Note: pickup batteries and a new porn.
POKER SECRETS – I should write a sex guide for men called Poker Secrets.

Now I shall place the cobwebs back in place and say… BITE ME 2005!!!!

Ho Ho Uhh... Heh, you said Ho.

2005-12-12T17:54:00.000-08:00

Uh uhh! Don’t yew be ho ho’in at me fat boy! Yew ain’t never gonna get some thadda way.. ho ho ho’in every 5 minutes… makes yew sound desp’rate! Ya yakee!

So I gots the humbug blues myself… my family is soOo depressing most of the time. No tree… no one wants to bother. No lights... no one wants to bother. No joyful cheer… why bother. Heh. Easily sucks the mood right out of you.

But secretly… I harbor feelings of Yule! I love to spend money… I love to buy gifts for other people… so give me the season where it’s expected for people to spend money on gifts and I’m gun ho ho ho! I don’t even fret over being broke afterwards.

Things I love at Yule:

1. Spend Money- from dollar store to name-brand department store, give me buggy- will travel.
2. Give Gifts- I love to see people open gifts, especially if they are from me.
3. Sing Holiday Tunage. I like to sing anyway… not that I can actually hold a tune… but anyone singing- bad or good, always makes me happy.
4. Eat tons of SweEtz- sugar sugar sugar!
5. Look at Christmas Lights. Who doesn’t like looking at twinkling, sparkling, shiny lights?! (except epileptics)
6. After Christmas Sales! Spending more money, but this time on myself! Wee!

Things I hate at Yule:

1. Gift Wrap- you figure with my artistic talents I’d be able to make presents look beautiful… but they are just a taped mess!
2. Clean up the mess of torn wrapping paper… I like mess… I don’t like cleaning it.
3. The extra poundage added to my buttocks after eating so many sweEtz.
4. The crappy thoughtless gifts my family gives me… the pants that are 5 sizes too small, the silly knickknacks I have no place to put… I don’t care how much money you spend… just make it sentimental! Make me a batch of cookies carefully decorated with love and gum drop buttons and you’ll win my heart, not to mention my belly! (but my buttocks will dislike you plenty)
5. Shopping at the last minute, which I always do. I hate the hoards of rude, frantic peoples crowding in the department stores… not to mention the check-out line, parking lot and the roadways.
6. The lack of paid time off from work between January to May. No friggin' holidays!

Something Shipping That Way Goes…

Well some crazy-ass mountain folk will be getting a package from me, hopefully in 2-3 days. I hope they at least like one thing out of the lot. I soOo wish I could have stuffed myself in that package… you just don't know.

So everyone must chant!

“May the package Robin is sending Samantha make it to her safe and sound in 2-3 days!”

Please! For the joy of receiving and giving, for the spirit of the holidays, chant that 3 times!

Thank you! SmOoch!

Possibly Maybe PPD

2005-11-30T15:28:00.000-08:00

Paranoid Personality Disorder

Symptoms:
* Suspicion
* Concern with hidden motives
* Expects to be exploited by others
* Inability to collaborate
* Social isolation
* Poor self image
* Detachment
* Hostility
* Poor sense of humor

Lately, I’ve been noticing how intense and erratic my sister’s behavior has become. She’s always been uptight and very judgmental… but it’s getting to the point where I am starting to believe she has developed a paranoid personality disorder. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister to death… but she is very difficult to get a long with. We only started getting close when I hired her as my assistant about 3.5 years go. She doesn’t work for me now, but she still works for the same company in the same building. Anyway… in those 3 years her temperament and attitude has worsened.

She has become so suspicious of EVERYONE, and that is no exaggeration. She doesn’t trust anyone… not even me at times. Everyone has some hidden agenda against her- from people driving on the road to the people in grocery stores. She thinks people are constantly talking about her behind her back, especially at work. She is soOo irritable and angry you can literally feel it pulsate off her when she comes in the room. There’s not a day that goes by without her screaming and yelling at her boyz… and it’s gotten to the point to where they just instantly turn her off, walk away from her or smart off. All these traits are being forced on her boys and they are reflecting her behavior. If someone upsets her she will go off on them- no matter where she’s at… and there have been several instances people have threatened to call the police- or actually did call them.

Everybody is wrong, everybody is conniving and nobody cares. She’s a beautiful woman, I’ve often envied her beauty and petite size… but she sees herself as this hideous fat monster. She holds grudges big time… and forces her boys to hold the same grudges.

She’s also developing an obsessive-compulsive disorder… constantly spraying disinfectant, checking through her food and drinks- not wanting to touch anything. If she finds a hair in her food at a restaurant, she will never go back. She throws away tons of stuff thinking it’s ruined or contaminated because of something minor. We have to live with a certain amount of yuck… especially unseen things that crawl all over us daily… she can’t think about it. If she could, she’d wear surgical gloves 24-7 and make people step through a decontaminating chamber.

I first started noticing her compulsiveness about 2 years ago… but it was funny at the time. I discovered that if you ‘wondered’ how many of an item there was… she would count them in her head and a few minutes later tell you how many there is. I played with that a little bit… One day we were standing outside on break at work and I said… “Wow, there are a lot of cars in the parking lot- I wonder how many there are.” I then started talking about something else and a couple of minutes later she told me how many there were. I would do that with the steps, with things sitting on counters, etc. Of course I always pointed it out to her, and eventually she caught on- but we’d laugh a bit. I never realized it could have been the beginnings of serious personality disorders.

It’s not funny anymore… it’s not just a ‘quark’ of hers anymore… it’s down right scary. She feeds it to her children daily. Her oldest son is 17… he’s refrained from having girlfriends because my sister picks them apart, saying they are just using him, they don’t care about him and that he’s a sucker for giving them gifts or giving them rides. Even their friends get it too… and she doesn’t hesitate in telling these kids that she thinks they are rotten either. Her boys aren’t allowed to talk to our mom or dad. Though there is somewhat of a good reason for that, my mom is a gossip monger and my dad is a chronic pain grouch, but to not be able to have any conversation with them… How was your day… they shrug or say I don’t know. They will never tell grandma or grandpa anything. It’s starting to get that way with me too… They just don’t feel like talking now because sister beats everything into the ground… because everything is bad and nothing is good… why bother.

I am scared for her… I am scared of her to an extent. What I fear from her is her delusions will cause her to cut off our relationship and she will have no one in the family with patience enough to try to help her or talk to her. Nobody else in the family can take her screaming or distortion of things into the worst possible scenario. I have always tried to reason with her and rationalize things with her… but it’s getting so bad now… she just tells me I don’t care how she feels or what she thinks.

I’ve mentioned medications to her… but she is so doubtful that doctors rip you off and put you on stuff you don’t need. Sometime I’ll go into the story of her youngest son going to counseling 4 times for suicidal thoughts and depression… and how she didn’t like the smell of the office so she doesn’t go anymore. He still has the thoughts… he still has depression. She is fueling it and transforming it into a new monster… one far more difficult to control.

I looked up and printed tons of info from the net. One of the best sites I’ve found is PsychologyToday

. They explain some things simply- so you aren't overwhelmed with big strange words. You should visit their test page. They have all kinds of personality tests from anger to fashion… it even tells you how long each test is. Here is the link: Personality Tests.

Never Self-diagnose... you can only realize that you or someone close to you may have some symptoms- but only through professional assistance can you be certain you suffer from a severe personality disorder and you should only consider treatments with the assistance of your doctor or a certified professional.

Temporal Travels...

2005-11-22T07:27:00.000-08:00

Click the picture to see the entire thing, but it will take a second to load.

Too Little Time ToO Much To Do

2005-11-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have entirely too many things I am trying to do at once. I have so many projects and ideas half started… I’d like to sit down and finish them- but there never seems to be enough time. I’ve been cutting down on sleep because I’ve been working on these projects… and it’s starting to take toll. I am so freaking exhausted today it’s unreal.

I sold $180 in jewelry yesterday at my office, and today I will take my stuff to my boss’ office… where I hope to make at least $200. I’m going to try and focus on getting my website www.robinsmoon.com up, where you can finally see and buy my junk, from dainty to gaudy. Again, it’s a matter of not having enough time or overworking myself to the point of exhaustion.

Hmmm, Dentyne Gum and Chocolate Milk taste pretty good together, whoda thunk.

Tonight I just plan on resting… maybe pick my toenails, watch some tv and/or play a video game. I bet you anything I’ll end up working… though rest assured I will pick my toenails! (Giving myself a pedicure- I just like how gross ‘picking my toenails’ sounds. Kinda like how my sister tells her son to ‘brush his fangs’ rather than brush his teeth.)

I suppose I’m just keeping myself busy to keep my mind occupied. Seems I can’t sit still without getting sad or depressed.

Humankind No More

I’ve decided I really don’t like being human. There’s just way too much involved in living as a human… it’s toO freakin’ emotional. I think I’ll find a way to turn myself into a Fantail Goldfish.

Why in the world a Fantail Goldfish you ask? Yes… I know they are incredibly disgusting, silly creatures… but I think having a memory that lasts only 3 seconds says it all. I wouldn’t have to worry about how I look, how much money I’m making, how lonely I am… heck I wouldn’t be thinking of anything at all. No worries. Having a long string of fish poop and bubble farts hanging from my ass end all the time wouldn’t bother me at all… cause I’d forget it’s there. Having the fantail would be just for aesthetic purposes… not that I’d know that if I were indeed a goldfish.

I’ll go live in Samantha’s fish tank… she just needs to make sure not to over feed me, because having such a short memory- I’d constantly forget I already ate. She could rearrange the tank décor all she wants… I would never remember anyway. She could give me other fishy companions- but I wouldn’t care, I’d forget them in 3 seconds anyway. I’d never be lonely, never be concerned with planning for the future. Also, I’d never be concerned with being trapped in my surroundings… every 3 seconds I’d be some place I’ve never been before… heck I could be swimming the ocean and never know the difference.

Yep… it’s the aquatic life for me… as an idiot.

I use to have 2 large fantail goldfish. I purchased a 20-gallon vertical fish tank off a friend… and the fish were included. Their bodies were the size of my hand at the time and their tells were a lovely 4 inches long. One was a spotty black & gold- the other was a beautiful collage orange, white & red. It was soothing to watch them swim around. The thing I hated about them most was that long string of shit hanging from them at all times. I’d get the fish net and try to get it off them… but soon after it would be right back. Bleh. I ended up selling the fish tank and the fish to another friend for the exact same price. They were pretty to look at though… and led me to purchase some beautiful Angel fish that I had for 5 years… who’s wonderful fins grew so long I was proud.

OMGS!

Wow… I was just hit by a couple of girls in my office and sold $117 worth of jewelry in 15 minutes! That’s not even including what I’m hoping to make at my bosses office.

All the really cute holiday stuff went poof instantly heh. Here's a sample. These beads were awesome swirly clear, white & red. Very neat. Didn't last 5 minutes from the time I pulled them out of my box and placed them on the table. A bracelet I put together in about 5 minutes- glass & peweter. A very cute deer charm (the picture doesn't show the swirly pattyern on it very well) and two jingle bells.

Yes, I still live...

2005-11-11T07:30:00.000-08:00

Been very busy making jewelry the last couple of weeks... Christmas junk. Gots to make some moOla to have shopping monies.

Right now, I am shoving handfuls of fruitloops into my mouth so I can have something in my belly before I take these awful antibiotics. Bleh! I get really queezy if I don't eat something. I eat way too fast because I've got tons of work to do... but I should really slow down.

Yesterday I walked around work with a fruitloop stuck in my hair. I didn't realize it was there... but a curl had hanging in there since 9:30am- when I ate them. Around 12:15pm, I sat down at my desk, my hair leaned forward... I discovered the fruitloop. A bright green one, just resting in a curl. "Oh how embarrassing," I thought to myself as I picked the fruitloop out of my hair, placing it in my mouth.

Yes, I ate the fruitloop. I am not ashamed.

The Oreo Cookie Personality Test

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.

Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You just have issues.

What is your Oreo Personality?

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

A blessed Samhain! I cannot go out and celebrate, boohoo, but I will burn a candle! I hope you all get some goodies worth hording under your pillows!

Hey Sam Sistah...

Go get cho' man...

*evil grins*

Yeah baby... I'm coming for you!

That's right buddy... you're in for some ass-kickin' when I visit next!

Drama Queendom…

2005-10-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Why yes, I am a drama queen, thank you very much. I want you to feel what I feel, see what I see and experience what I experience. I make outrageous facial expressions, use action packed hand gestures and extremely descriptive, unusual words.

If I can convey the emotional aspect of my message, leaving you feeling what I feel, etc., I have not just communicated with you, I have also attempted to share with you the actual experience as I did.

My expressive nature can be considered a curse or a delight- depending…

Sometimes…

I would rather not express exactly what I am thinking but, unfortunately, my facial expressions give me away- driving me to be- not just honest but brutally honest, as I’ve been told.

Let’s say you cooked what you deem a wonderful meal and are anxious to share it with me… expecting grand praise of some sort… but instead receive a puckered, disgusted look- starting from the moment I took a ‘whiff’ of it to the moment I hesitantly took a small bite. I am unable to finish the meal and I am unable to provide you the courtesy of not telling you what I think… my facial expression tells all and encourages you to ask what is wrong. Then, having been asked, I am compelled to tell you exactly what I think is wrong with it or what I don’t like about it.

You are insulted!

“Well fine! I will never cook for you again since you hate this so much!”

“oOoOh now come on (eyebrows forming the sympathetic triangle), just because I don’t like this particular dish doesn’t mean I think your entire range (stretching one arm outward, moving it in a swinging motion from one side of my body to the opposite) of cooking sucks… it might actually be pretty good (head nodding, eyebrows perked with possibility) if you didn’t put so many onions, along with all the Cajun spices, in it. It kills (disturbed facial squint) the taste of the entire meal for me because my eyes are watering (opening my eyes wide- and with my eyes that’s no small thing), my nose is running and I’m choking down water every couple bites (grabbing my throat).”

“Well everyone else says it’s fabulous! ‘You’ seem to be the only one that has problems with it.”

“I’m not everyone else, my particular taste buds are different and I have a delicate pallet (sarcastic chortle). No need to get upset over this… (shaking my head back and forth), I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, ‘I’ (hand spread-finger on my chest) just didn’t care for this particular dish because it was too spicy- so maybe it is just ‘me.’ (shrugging, with palms up, then dropping arms, hands slapping legs as if suggesting “I give up”)

“What eh-ver!”

You do not talk to me for several days.

That ‘type’ of scenario happens to me frequently. This particular scenario did not happen, but is a variant of one that did happen and a meal my sister cooked (my sister does not get upset if I don’t like what she cooks, btw- she just shrugs and says “I like it,” and that’s it).

In the end, I reassured you that it wasn’t you directly; it was just this particular meal. I explained what exactly caused my dislike and that it wasn’t meant as an insult… ultimately giving you the benefit that it could very well be just ‘me.’

What is so ‘brutal’ about this???

I’m in the MoOd…

2005-10-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

For love… but I feel I can’t trust it anymore. I just don’t really trust anyone anymore… with the exception of my dearest Sam and her man. It’s sad… but I just think everyone is full of shit and take what they say as just a bunch of empty words without any legitimate value or meaning.

My own thoughts betray me now- racing through one imaginary fabrication after another, trying to put together puzzle pieces that have randomly been scattered- but do not complete one entire individual puzzle- all the while making wild assumptions and predictions. All that work I did to understand my own behavior and live with an open mind- I never stopped to think about how someone else’s behavior can seriously throw you for a loop- corrupting you.

Reflecting back on when I was with Chris, I never doubted him. I never thought he was lying to me, I never questioned the things he said he was going to do as falsities and I never once questioned his loyalty to me as a friend. Ultimately, our downfall was due to him just not having that spark inside his heart that made him want to be with me and take the next step in our relationship. I came to accept that… I wasn’t the ‘one’ for him… the one he wanted to share his life with. Though it took quite a while for us to let things go and get along, in the end we are greater friends than when we were together- and I still have that complete trust in him. I don’t think we can make it as a couple, but I do believe we have life long friends within each other. This was the last time I had true faith in someone.

I watch the arrogance of people- bragging about various things, insulting those they deem unworthy, embellishing the daily events of their lives to glorify themselves - Sophistocrats as I call them… Anal bureaucrat types who can’t break routine and cast judgment on those who don’t conform to their standard ideals… all the while believing themselves sophisticated, intellectual & highly morally people. Nothing but hypocrites and walking contradictions. I have seen so many lies spew out of these people it pollutes the atmosphere- spreading the contagion on to those who would never behave in that manner- but in order to keep up without being drowned, they begin to spew the very same lies.

Matt was not sophisticated, intellectual or highly moral… but the very first thing I told him… on our first date even, was to never lie to me. That I didn’t care what the ugly truth was, I had to know I could believe him and trust him. After a few dates, he shared things with me that I just couldn’t fathom experiencing. He told me secret after secret- ultimately waiting for me to judge. Though I told him I didn’t know how to react most of the time, I would come to reason- and say “Well- people change and that was the past.” After sharing all these secrets and past experiences with me that seems to come straight of Jerry Springer… he had my trust. I didn’t doubt what he said, and I had faith he would give me the honesty that a rare 1% of people can give and still get along with complete love. It appeared he was… we progressed and I moved in.

Well… after all that, he spewed the biggest lie I ever heard. Something so incredible that is has complete overcooked my noodles and I have become a suspicious wretch who rolls her eyes at people when telling a story seemingly unbelievable or slightly exceptional. It’s truly pathetic. So now I am tormented day to day with lies that I am not even sure exist… my free spirit is full of doubt and I have become a hermit. I prefer to be alone, lost in my art- totally avoiding the possibilities of twisted truths, becoming completely apprehensive.

I grew up with the red pen… I have been picked apart and slapped with the brutal truth 50 million times. And though I may not like it- though it may sting worse than a jelly-fish, I know who I can go to and receive the utter truth… the ugly truth… and I go to them when I want nothing but the truth. I do have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. If you don’t really want to know, don’t ask- and if you aren’t asked- don’t offer- but I do not believe that to be dishonest- more of a courtesy.

Has honesty become just an impractical romantic notion that no longer exists because people are too sensitive and/or scared to face the truth and/or the consequences of truth?

Random Phrase

I think I mentioned that a long, long time ago these random phrases pop into my head… Poppers I called them… well here’s the one that just popped in my head as I was writing this post… seemingly out of the blue with absolutely no relation to what I was writing.

In the stillness of your beauty...

Whoops!

2005-10-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

So sorry Sam!!!! George is great! The vet said he’s in pretty good shape overall, gave me some arthritis meds for him- and it’s made a huge improvement on him. Grumpy lil’ doggy… he’s getting mean in his old age… bully bully! But at the same time, when he wants some lovin’ I swear he thinks he’s a cat! All up on me- laying his head on me and rubbing up against me like a cat… I love my moody puppy.

Things and Junk

Well I’ve been eXtrEmEly busy at work- but my new assistant starts Monday! YIPPIE!! He’s got a degree, 3 years experience and a very nice portfolio. I think he’s going to work out great! I’ve been so busy at work… and so annoyed- unmotivated that I look at my pile o’work with disgust and dread.. *sigh*

I’ve been busy making jewelry for Christmas and working on my art- so I haven’t updated here. I guess in all honesty I just want to keep myself busy so my brain doesn’t start cooking noodles on Matt. But- it always ends up on him. It’s strange… I just don’t know what it is about this guy- honestly a total loser bound to a life lacking real meaning or goals- but I miss him tremendously. I guess because I could really be myself with him, without worrying about him casting judgment on me or thinking I’m just strange. From all my naughtiness to nuttiness- ahh well. Time will mend.

Well damn it… I had pictures I wanted to post- but my damn ftp site is down… they haven’t been a good service lately…

Anyway… I think it’s time for another vacation. Wonder if those mountain cows miss me yet.

I burn...

2005-10-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

I am an emotional person. I burn from one extreme to the other... from happiness to sadness, from joy to anger... whatever I feel, I truly feel. Passionate and a little off key... would you have me any other way?

No real time to post… my dad has back surgery tomorrow to replace the tube in his internal pain med pump… he’s been soOo sick the past couple of weeks. Moderate pancreatitis… and without the medication, similar to morphine- my dad goes through the DT’s… soOo… it’s not been very pleasant to watch. Anyhoo… gotta get things caught up so I can take off work tomorrow.

And I’m taking George to the vet tomorrow.

Catch up sometime soon I freakin’ hope!!!

*smOoch*

Duality...

2005-10-07T08:49:00.000-07:00

Click the image to view the piece entirely. The duality of a broken heart weighs heavily on me. Fighting my passions- trying to rationalize love… but logic and reason hold me back. I’ve been torn since day one of my relationship with Matt… I’m trying ever so desperately to completely cut our ties. But my logic is he’s just using me- or stuck in a rut that nobody but himself can help him out of…

My love tries to make me stay with him through these hardships in his life… to show him that I will stand beside him when no other has… but killing myself in the process isn’t going to work. I just can’t do it anymore… and I just don’t want it anymore. He has to feed something… my passion, my love, heck even my lust… but he hasn’t done anything to make me think he’s worth the torment I’ve put myself through.

My imagination runs wild with suspicions… I can’t trust him and believe everything he spews out of his mouth to be farce. It’s like he has to glorify himself… really only to himself… because all else proves he’s not worth time & effort.

So ok…

I haven’t been updating like I’ve wanted to. Any time I went to post I couldn’t upload images to my ftp server and any time I called to find out what’s up there was something going on at my hosting place. But now… it’s all better.

Only one thing… I’ve had to reformat my hard drive 4 times in the past month… and frankly I haven’t felt like touching the damn computer let alone blog. I have a suspicion my nephew has been experienting on my computer- but it too scared to admitt it because I've been steaming mad... it's only obvious though- when I come home from work and my computer is turned completely sideways... geez. And I'm sorry but the ghosts I have with me a not computer literate...

Samantha my dear… you must have the Shockwave Flash plug-in to use yahoo. I found that out after having to reformat my dang computer so many times.

I have managed to save topics and stories… it’s just a matter of posting them now. I have a hot topic for my dearest Sam, sexually related of course… soOo be on the look out for that!

Ten Things going on with me…

1. My left ear has an infection, I woke up this morning unable to hear out of it. Fun Fun… (it’s always around this time of year I get sick)

2. I am still horny as ever… but now since I’ve completely broken up with Matt, I’ve got no one to play with… well ok, so I do have people who want to play with me, but I really don’t feel like messing with it... too much hassle heh. (runs out to get batteries for toyz)

3. I am still hung up on Matt… why? Cause I love him… but I just don’t have anything left to give him and if the way he’s loved me in the past several months is what he has to offer- I don’t want it anymore. I’ve told him this… he still fights it. He’s got nothing… NOTHING!!!! The sex doesn’t even keep me coming to see him, and that in my book is pretty dang sad… but my heart is still very sad and disappointed that I gave him soOo much… and I received nothing but heartache in return. I can’t just turn my feelings off… I wish I could, but at least I recognize that it will never work between us.

4. I am trying to hire a new assistant… yes I’ve fired another. First rule of thumb as a graphic designer is DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CUT THE COMPANY LOGO IN HALF. If I need to tell you more than 3 times, you’ve pissed me off, more than 6- you’ve proven you are incompetent. I have petitioned to PAY better, getting a more qualified applicant and someone capable of sharing the workload. I don’t want an assistant… I want an equal. I’m getting pretty brunt out at work… need inspiration desperately… need new blood… someone with experience and fresh ideas. Now I’m going through this whole debacle of trying to get a measly $17 approved for a reasonably experienced graphic designer. In the mean time, I am getting buried with work and burnt out/pissed off more and more as each day goes by.

5. I am too scared to take my George to the vet. I love him so dearly… his arthritis is getting worse… he falls constantly, can barely stand at times and for the first time ever- sat down in the tub while I bathed him. This broke my heart. I’ve been giving him baby aspirins which seem to help… but I know I should take him to the vet to get something stronger… I’m just terribly afraid the vet is going to say something I just couldn’t fathom. Please send your positive energies to my puppy, my heart- my George.

6. I freakin’ miss my sistah Sam. We haven’t got to talk much lately and it’s driving me insane. Sam my sistah, I shall give you a buzz tonight around 9ish central time! Be ready!

7. I miss my life before Matt. It was just fabulous… now I feel like I have to start all over again… and at my age- to me- that freakin’ sucks. My trust and faith in people is going down hill and I’d prefer to be by myself most of the time. Who knows what the truth is these days... I find people lie entirely too much over extremely stupid things.

8. My niece Monique is pregnant. Yep… turns out the ol’ honeymoon night was the conception night. Though greatly disappointed that she married so young and now is having a child… I am slowly coming around to the idea and slowly getting excited for her and her mama's boy husband.

9. My nephew’s girlfriend is due to have her baby any time now. She went to the hospital last night with contractions… mind you she’s only 20- she was freaked out. But they sent her home… no baby yet. They are having a girl. His girlfriend is probably the most petite girl I have ever met… seriously border-line dwarf. She is as pregnant as pregnant can be… and looks like a weeble-wobble. So, I’ve dubbed her weeble-wobble. She hates it. She’s a little brat anyway- so it’s ok.

10. I am speaking to a publishing agent about finally getting my poetry/art book published. Wish me luck… I am scheduling a meeting with her to show her my draft layout and basic concept. Positive thoughts greatly appreciated!

Miss you all!

P.S. My dedication to Katrina... late post but I've had technical difficulties.

Fall...

2005-09-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well my ftp server is down... no eta on when it will be back up... so if you'd like to see my newest image, a small tribute to the arrival (calendar wise anyway) of fall click Fall Princess

My new art gallery is here Burninghair I've also updated my gallery link.

Thanks for peeking.

Nonsense…

2005-09-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

Those of you who read my post on August 15th know that I had intentions of moving out of Matt’s house… I knew I wanted to move out… but something in my heart just kept me there.

That very same day I got a call from Matt’s ex, Jaime. Boy did she fill my head with tons o’ caca.

Anyway, I don’t know if I ever mentioned that Matt said he had a baby named Hannah that was 11 months old and was terminally ill. He told me that Jaime, who has epilepsy, had a seizure during her pregnancy and had the baby prematurely with severe complications. That Hannah was still the size of a newborn and was probably going to die in a hospital in Dallas, TX.

Well as time went by and the skeletons kept falling out of the closet… things just didn’t make sense. I questioned him several times about there being an actual baby sick & dying, he swore to me there was. Those of you who have read my previous posts… heck I don’t even remember if I wrote about it or not… Jaime was 6 months pregnant when I started dating Matt. He swore it was over, and Jaime knew about me… which was true. She just didn’t know I moved in with him later and he lied to her the entire time I was there.

Back to the story… well Jaime’s new baby was born while I was visiting my lovely Sam in Cali. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel… but I knew I loved him so I would try to make it work out as best I could. I get back and he shows me the pictures, calling the baby Michelle- which was supposedly Hannah’s middle name. Then something extremely fishy came up… he said they were thinking of naming the baby Michelle Hannah… eh??? Why would anyone in their right mind name do that when the other baby was still alive? Then when sitting at the computer with Matt, Jaime would yahoo in talking about Hannah… calling the newest baby Hannah.

He was trying his best to make me think Jaime was just having a hard time dealing with the other baby in the hospital… and was going a little nutty.

When Jaime called me, she told me that there was no other baby… this was her first baby with Matt and she didn’t know why he would even say that.

I freaked out… not knowing who to believe, because Jaime isn’t exactly normal herself, I went flying to Matt’s demanding to know the truth.

There was no baby. It was all a lie. I was freaking… WTF!!!!!???? Why would anyone make a person believe there is a dying baby… when there’s no such child. Especially after I’ve accepted so many dirty secrets of his… why would he lie about something like that??? Made for TV movie kind o’stuff.

He went on to tell me another story about making Jaime miscarry a long time ago while he was on drugs… blah blah… I didn’t know what to believe. He even tried to get his mother to cover for him… but she’s not all there since her visit to the nursing home. She can’t even remember when people come to visit her, or that she was even in a nursing home for a month.

I said “You’re all fucking liars as far as I’m concerned” and I started loading up my car to move out August 15th, later that evening.

Matt’s mom begged me not to go, even offered me money.
Matt got really defensive for a minute- got in my face, but when he saw the fury in my eyes, he knew I would tear him up, so he backed off… then begged several times for me not to leave.

He helped me load 3 boxes in my car… out of tons of junk… I don’t know how it all fit but it did… and I left.

I spent so much money at that house trying to clean it and fix it up I put myself in horrible debt. I loved him so much that it destroyed my heart… and I still struggle not to talk to him.

But… I am somewhat happy to be back home in a nice, clean, 95% bug-free house with people who may be a little nutty, but love me completely- my family.

I can’t fathom how someone I dedicated myself to, someone I loved so intensely, someone I told that we could share every dirty little secret and not be ashamed or cast judgment… someone I tossed my whole world up-side-down for... would do that to me.

I could have handled him sleeping with another woman… sex is sex… but this was such an intense lie… such a heartbreaking lie… I swear I thought he was possessed by a demon. But… since I don’t believe in demons… mainly just malevolent energies… I determined he was a leech. A leech who drained me of everything I had both physically and emotionally.

Slowly… I am letting it go… but it’s still tough. I came to the conclusion that Matt told the story in the beginning of our relationship to coincide with Jaime’s recent pregnancy. That after she had that baby, he would make me think it was Hannah. Well… I guess he didn’t realize things were going to get so serious between us and that Jaime and I would talk, trying to get along. What I don’t understand is why he kept up with the lie after the baby was born, and I even asked him 3 times if there really was another baby- he still kept on. The baby’s name is actually Hannah Michelle, the name they decided on when they first found out she was pregnant, 6 months before I started dating Matt.

I asked him what was he going to do… make me think this baby died in the hospital, and all would be ok… he said he didn’t know what he was going to do, he didn’t really know why he lied about it…

I know… he’s a leech… and it’s in his nature to such the life force from those around him.

Confusing eh? Tell me about it…

My Next Post

The next post I’ll discuss something a wonderful friend emailed me about… but I would like to thank him in advance before I fill you guys in.

Skip, Thank You. Your letter made me realize a serious flaw I have inherited. And it was that letter you sent that I believe finally helped me see the truth and start the real journey to healing. *smOoch*

Astute...

2005-09-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

I skipped lunch at work today... and this is what I did. Click the image to see the entire piece, it's a wee large so give it a minute to load. This is just my favorite part of it. *smOoch*

Something My Nephew Said...

2005-09-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well... before I sit down to write the novel of what's been going on with me lately... I would like to share with you something my nephew read on a keychain at the mall.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

We were sitting at the table playing this awesome game Proverbial Wisdom Jr....

(Which I must say is an extremely fun game!) Totally unexpected and he blushed when I busted out laughing. I think I'll go buy this keychain...

Anyhoo... back at you later!

Shattered...

2005-09-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

Well I know it's been like... um... forever. But I've had to re-coop, re-group and relax. You'll be hearing from me more. I haven't stopped my art... but this is what I did when I moved out of his house... more junk later!

Wow!!! It's an Update!

2005-08-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah… I’m still kickin’… no make that floppin’ around like a fish out of water. This spoiled princess has seriously learned a valuable lesson.

So I haven’t left him yet, though I made plans to move out this past Saturday. I just can’t live this way anymore… not just the nasty living conditions that seem to have no remedy, but the daily drama I tried so hard to get out of my life consumes me in his life.

He’s a beautiful man… a dreamer, a wonderful lover… but that’s all… nothing but dreams that continuously get shattered. Surviving off others… I’ve worked too hard for the things I have to just toss them out the window or at his feet.

So… as usual- I shall leave… run away.

I’ve been battling serious feelings of guilt… like I’m abandoning him and his family at their most desperate time of need. In reality… this is how they choose to live their life. No regard… no appreciation… and no end to the melancholy melodrama.

Things I have Seen…

A horde of mice leaping from an old bag of feed next to the back door, scampering to any available hole. There was at least 20… no exaggeration. They were tiny lil’ things… I killed 3 and felt really guilty about it. I’ve put rat poison all around the house and now fear for the lives of the cats and lizards that live around the house.

A horde of cockroaches scattering across the wall- covering it in a curtain of legs and ewwy brown cockroachiness. I saturated the wall with TAT bug spray… killing them instantly… I had absolutely no guilt.

Hordes of nightmarish spiders that leap from holes in the wall, catching prey and quickly disappear right back into the hole. I’ve killed dozens… and feel guilty about it… but the damn suckers don’t eat the cockroaches- so I get over it rather quickly. Some of these spiders were big enough to catch those mice and have a tasty meal.

Hordes of gnats and flies. I’ve tacked fly paper in the main areas they thrive in and sprayed the hell out of them… the fly problem has pretty much dissipated- and I have no guilt.

Things I’ve Done…

I have poisoned myself with cleaning chemicals and insecticide. I was extremely sick for a few days… but tons of water helped flush my system.

I’ve cleaned more in 2 months than I ever have in 31 years.

I’ve learned what cleaning products actually work and what products are just wastes of money. Same with pesticides. The more expensive doesn’t mean the more potent.

I have scrubbed the ass of an obese 50-something year old woman who’s body is 50% disfigured from being severely burned as a child and stood in the shower with her to help her get clean because she smelled soOo foul the dog wouldn’t lay by her. I felt guilty I didn’t try to help her shower sooner… but I was scared, uncomfortable and grossed out. That didn’t change… but I couldn’t let the woman stay like that.

Moving out- postponed.

I was going to move out Saturday… but his 14-year-old son ended up coming out for the weekend. The woman never lets Matt see his son… so this was quite a shock. Turns out the boy stole his mother’s car and she wanted Matt to punish him. Yeah… what a great way to have Matt take part in his son’s life. Anyway, Matt was going to put the boy to work… work him like a prisoner and talk to him- hopefully making the boy realize he shouldn’t take the path he’s stepped on.

I didn’t want to subject a troubled adolescent to the drama of that type of situation (me moving out cause it’s freakin’ horrible)… it certainly doesn’t help them- so I figured a couple more days wouldn’t hurt me too much.

Logan wasn’t what I expected. I expected to see this punked out, defiant teen come over with attitude and resentment. He was far from it. Poorly educated… and extremely child-like. The boy is in severe need of attention. He’s a story teller and hypes up his image to be that of a violent, malevolent raging teen… but he’s as sweet as honey. As playful as kitten and looks at the world with wonder… he just has no one to explore the world with… no one to learn from… just the television.

He’s a lonely- bored child. A teen with a lisp and a bunch of pimples… who kisses kittens on the head and hugs them. He said he stole the car because he had to get away… to get out of his home for just a little while. He hasn’t gone anywhere or done anything this summer… no trip to the mall… no running about with neighborhood kids… just babysitting his 8-yr-old sister. He took the keys from his mother’s purse, got in the car- drove around for less than an hour and went back home. He didn’t know what to do or where to go and was extremely scared.

Matt was having a fierce toothache. Although he knew his son would be coming over, he ended up taking 6 pain pills in a 3 hour time period, knocking himself out for hours. I couldn’t wake him for the life of me… I even stuck my fingers in his month, his nose and his ears… flopped his head around… it was ridiculous. But ahh well… someone had to tend to the boy… so yes- selfish me used the boy to help clean the house.

We actually had a lot of fun… talked about music, laughed and even had a water fight outside while scrubbing some rugs. Wow! The difference he helped me make in just a few hours. And the smiles the boy had on his face… while being punished so-to-speak- was enough to make me feel glad I didn’t leave yet.

He seeks positive attention… through negative means. Like being a bad kid is good… and I guess he was fond enough of me to realize that just being himself without the front was enough for me to enjoy his company. We had fun… he was very sad to go. He did learn that laziness and uncleanliness amount to a nasty, unhealthy place to live and that he's glad his mom makes him clean.

His first day back to school is today… I hope he does well. I hope he makes at least one really good friend, and that he likes at least one of his teachers. I hope… for Logan.

Curious...

2005-07-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

I wonder how different it actually is to be in a relationship with a woman, compared to a man.

I have loved women... but in a platonic, coveting kind of way. I wonder the difference between being in love with a woman and being in love with a man.

Would she be more like what I need/want?

Yeah...

2005-07-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

So what’s this madness you ask?
I’ve been asking myself the same fucking question.

So it’s all a pretty big dramatic brouhaha… within myself anyway.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me guys… I’m in a funk. This whole moving in thing is turning out to be far, far more extreme than I originally thought. I’m crying just about every other night.

How much can love make you do? Or at least… what you perceive is love. I am miserable… I’m rendering myself powerless and I’m fully aware of it. I fight and argue with myself everyday about what I am doing.

I see his smiling face and my heart swells... my body turns warm and I long for his touch on my skin, his kisses on my neck and his body next to mine.

I came to write the details of what’s been going on in my life for the past couple of weeks… but the sad fact is I just don’t want to think about it.

I’m here. I’m not fully moved in… but I’m here.

I’m not really here… I don’t know where I am.
I try not to think about it… but my soul makes me.

So the last picture was about how disgusted I am… living conditions are that bad guys. I’m spending my money until I am absolutely broke buying things to try to help me feel more comfortable… really to keep the bugs off the food and my junk. Hence, the previous picture with the money… and the first picture… well there’s a dark dark cloud trailing me… along with several skeletons I can’t keep shut in his closet.

I can’t believe after everything I worked so hard to change… after the promise I made myself not to be irresponsible… I made a bad decision.

And I can’t go back… I just can’t.

Sordid... to the extreme.

2005-07-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

It's truly appalling.

99 Cent Hamburger...

2005-07-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah... it was pretty gross.

Well... when I get the energy to sit and write the novel of junk that's been going on in my life... I'll update you. In the meantime... the current set of images depict the mess called my life and what’s going on.

Samantha
Hi sistah! I love you! I miss you!

Taquito Splatter...

2005-07-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

I am a mess.

Fancy That...

2005-07-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes… I just wanna be spoiled. Ok… well not just sometimes, but most of the time heh. Lavish me with affection, sparkly shiny things and give me some wonderful oh-so-yummy chocolate and ice cream.

Give me some lovin’ and massage my feets, massage my booty… and massage my head. Mmmm I love them head rubbin’s. Run your fingers through my hair and gently caress my skull… then watch the goose-pimples pop across my skin and my arm hairs stand up.

Do not suck my toes though… I can’t stand that. It’s gross.

*sigh* Someone please come spoil me heh… I need to feel like a princess for a day or so…

These Things Happen In 3’s…

2005-07-07T14:59:00.000-07:00

Matt and I have gotten pretty serious… we are still learning a lot about each other, but for the most part we are comfortable and enjoy each other’s company.

The death of his father bound us tightly together after maybe 3 weeks of dating. It was a strange experience going through the death of his father with him… considering I still didn’t really know him or his family. His brother and sister first met me at the hospital the night his father was admitted.

One month later, his grandmother dies… so more trauma to his family made him hold onto me tighter. Fortunately, his grandmother was a good old age and lived a very long life. It was just time, unlike his father’s death, which took the entire family by surprise. But he said if it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have been able to recover as well as he has. He still gets really sad from time to time… he found one of his dad’s shirts mixed in his clothes, picked it up, smelled it and cried. The shirt still smelled like his dad.

I’ve spent the night at my house just once in the past 3 weeks… staying with him the entire time.
The idea of me moving in with him came up… he loves me and wants me there with him. Our first date was in March (I only remember that because I blogged about it and looked it up)… and have been seeing each other exclusively since. So a little over 3 months… I have spent a lot of time with him… a lot of talking and getting closer. After 3 weeks of heavy consideration, I’ve decided I will move in with him… for various reasons.

I know that’s not very long to be seeing someone and then decide to move in with them. My point of view is you can never really tell something is going to work out- whether it’s 3 months or 3 years. I’ve had my share of serious relationships. I’ve lived with 3 men… I don’t think that really matters. Any way you go, there’s a chance things will fail miserably or be a dream come true… you just never know. One thing you can count on is that if you don’t take the chance… you’ll never know either way. I feel comfortable enough with him to take this step. We’ve talked about it and said we can see how it goes for 6 months. That’s great to me.

The house he lives in is shit… needs major repairs and serious cleaning… but I’ve already started doing that. His mom can’t take care of herself… hell she can barely get up and walk to the bathroom by herself. And do you think a guy like Matt is going to take the time to wipe down the fridge or cabinets? He’s a muscle-head-grease-monkey… soOo…

I’m ok with it all. I’m ok with his ex and the fact that he has kids (they don’t live with him though). I do get jealous… goddess knows why… but I usually huff and puff- he’ll wrap his arms around me and say “Baby you have nothing to worry about,” kiss me and give me one of those make-me-melt smiles.

So there you have my announcement. I’m moving in with my boyfriend. I love him and I’m willing to give it a chance. I know it won’t be easy, I know I will be frustrated from time to time… but um… isn’t that life??? I am just happy in general to have been able to experience this man, know him and love him.

Yeep!

2005-07-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

This image was done a few days ago. It's mainly about withdrawing... but not completely disappearing...

Anyhoo... I have Photoshop 6 instead of 7 now... which is really no big deal. But, my computer still has viruses... I've been doing what few images I've finished at work or at Matt's house.

I've got a big announcement coming soon... stay tuned!

I’m a genius!

2005-07-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am a genius!

I created a new word yesterday… it absolutely made me crack up. I’m crazy… but you all should know this by now… if someone goes what’s that smell or what was that strange noise… I respond with “I farted.” I especially do it if something smells good, lol! Yes I get strange looks, sometimes chuckles… anyway…

In the bad neighborhood that Matt lives in, there were firecrackers going off randomly throughout the night. Well I’d like to think they are firecrackers cause it’s the 4th of July weekend, and not gunshots… the dog kept getting freaked out over those pops… Matt’s mom asked “What is that noise?” Of course my first response is… “I farted,” but I didn’t say it out loud. I started thinking to myself… I farted, I am a vantrilofartist… I can throw my farts.

Needless to say, I laughed out loud… people looked at me like “What’s so funny” but I thought it better appreciated in my own head…

SoO, my new word…

Vantrilofartist: Noun – The art of projecting one's fart so that it seems to come from another source.

I'm not on any mind-altering substances either… I’m sure if I were- it would be far, far more hilarious to me.

Sextantrum

Lover has had a severe toothache as of late… the other night he was in so much pain that he took a couple pain pills and drank most of my vodka dammit… needless to stay he was pretty toasted. I don’t know how in the world he did it… but he burned his dick with a cigarette. I discovered the burn while giving him oral pleasure… when I was still suffering the curse.

The curse broke this past Thursday and I was extremely hot… I’m talking Kinky hot too. Have been ever since… we go at it a couple time and he determines we need to give it a rest for a couple of days to let the burn heal.

WTF!!! I had been waiting a few days already! The curse had me down! Now! Now what?!?!? A cigarette burned dick.

No amazing sex… no shoot my fireworks off for the 4th… no nuffin.

IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daydreaming...

2005-06-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

Fleeting thoughts easily
swayed by humming echoes of Love’s serenade…

Ardor...

2005-06-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

A Quick “It Sucks” Update…

My 20-year-old niece got married this past Saturday… it was a redneck wedding. (I am soOo not kidding) I feel she’s making a mistake… too young… too inexperienced… too naive. It sucks…

My computer was seriously infected with several viruses & trojans… one of which made extra letters pop in while I was typing. After several attempts to remove the viruses, my system was so screwed up I had to reformat my hard drive… I just got it completely back up and running yesterday… with one major exception… my Photoshop. I had photoshop 7… now I have nothing… why??? Because my cd went poofy. I had given a copy to my nephew… and his went poofy. I don’t even feel like turning on my computer anymore… not without the main program I do my life’s work on. AND I still have one virus I can’t seem to get rid of… infecting a windows file csrss.exe. It sucks…

Trying to download a porn gave me the viruses… that totally sucks.

I am suffering Mother Nature’s curse this week and I am seriously emotional and sensitive. Even my dreams are reflecting my fears and concerns. It sucks…

I am horny, as usual, but damn the curse!!!! It sucks!!!!

My family is going through some major lows… my mom had all her teeth pulled and has dentures now. She hates them… she didn’t want her teeth pulled, but thanks to diabetes… she had to. She cried on my shoulder the other day- about how it makes her feel so old… about how they gave her horses teeth… and how it effects her speech and she is really self conscious in public now. She didn’t want to stay at the wedding… she didn’t want to eat or talk to anyone… It sucks…

Sister and I almost had a huge blowout again, this time at work. I hung up on her when she started bitching at me… BUT she works for the same company in the same building, so she just trotted over to my office and continued the bitching… I just said “Ok, whatever” and paid her no attention… she left and didn’t talk to me for a day or so… It sucks.

Sister’s ex has manipulated her son to the extreme. Sister was taking ex to court to get child support… though he’s 17, she wants some back pay… but ex told son he would get him an apartment and pay the rent until he was 18 (which is January) to totally get out of having to pay anything for the next year. He’s already threatened son, using the apartment as power… fucking conniving ruthless asshole. Sister’s heart is broken. What 17 year old can resist having an apartment with his best friend paid by his dad??? It sucks…

I feel totally lost… my plans, my goals… all scattered thanks to love and being consumed by him. He fills my every thought and I feel totally like a crazy person with how strongly I feel for him and my ‘MINE MINE MINE’ attitude. I don’t like feeling this way… it’s not me. It sucks…

Still haven’t hired a new assistant… too many other things caused that to be put on the back-burner. Our Houston plant merged into my building and the two Presidents mom died last Monday. Not having an assistant has put me so far behind… It sucks.

I haven’t got to talk to my Sam in a while… that really sucks.

I’m not my usual self… I feel totally lost.

Picture Post...

2005-06-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

Did you know Sam can do special things with her tongue??? Very intriguing…

Sam-Vannah showing me the lovely mountain.

It’s just so friggin’ beautiful out there…

Sam, Chris, Sara & Megan… Sam’s family. I think I caught Chris while he was passing a wee bit o’gas…

Chris tried to gouge his eye out with a braising rod… so Sam decided to super glue it shut.

Remember this SIGN? It’s a real sign…

These damn Mountain Cows are a nuisance- randomly falling from the sky, landing in the road and casually trotting off as if nothing happened.

I mean geez…

Just Some Junkola...

2005-06-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

I don’t really know what I’m doing these days. Money is very tight for me, especially since I am planning on moving closer to work. I’ve been spending an insane amount of time with Matt… avoiding issues at home with the family.

Oh don’t get me wrong… avoiding the issues is far far better than confronting them at my house. Nobody knows how to communicate… and my job has always been the mediator between my siblings and parents. I quit. I’m very tired of the negativity in my family- so I’d rather just leave it there in that house and go on floating around.

Floating around… yep- that’s me. I feel like a nomad… just roaming about… however I have no destination. Not yet. If I were to choose a destination, it would be right back at Sam’s house. The mountains… the fresh air… the lovely & fantabulous Sam.

Anyhoo… the neglect of bloggage is due to not having an assistant at work, so I’m having to seriously bust ass. And… from spending that insane amount of time with Matt.

Things I miss since I’ve become a floater… everything that belongs to me. Mainly… George. I miss him terribly… it breaks my heart. My bed, my computer and my junk in general.

Things I like since I’ve become a floater… sex, freedom, individuality and sex. Did I mention sex already?

Things I hate since I’ve become a floater… mosquitoes & flies! The bastards… Matt’s house is surrounded by trees that not only kick my ass-allergies… but swarms of mosquitoes eat me. Not him… just me. He says it’s because I taste soOo good, that I’m soO sweet. Um… ok- I’ll leave the taste-testing to him… just keep the damn bugs off me! The bastages! I am not a tasty mosquito meal or a freakin’ landing pad for flies!

I spend 3-4 days starting from Thursday-Monday at his house… then I drift on home for a couple of days… remember that I have cool junk, loving pets and a grumpy ass family.

On another note: I met Matt’s ex and his new daughter Michelle. His ex let me hold her. Such a tiny creature... refreshed my memory of why I don't want babies.

BS BS
I’m tired of all the bs… life is tough enough just trying to make a living and have a home… but people have to junk it all up with drama… and not the Shakespeare kind o’ theatrics. I’m talking melancholy hooey. Why do you have to get so irritated with minor, insignificant things?

Like one of sister’s boys left the DVD/VCR for 2 days… soO grandpa (my dad) grounded them from using any of the electronic devices in the living room for a week. That’s just silly. Kids leave junk on all the time… heck grandpa does too. The boys could have shoved a peanut butter & jelly sandwich in the DVD/VCR… it could have been worse.

Oh, but wait… it did get worse. Sister didn’t like that punishment- so she tells the boys they aren’t allowed to go into the living room at all so’s not to piss off g-pa. Ok… you have 2 boys home for summer vacation and you are going to make them stay cooped up in their room all day, everyday for 7 days. Suffering each other (meaning the usual brotherly harassment)… suffering the wrath of mom and g-pa. Wow… all over leaving the freakin’ DVD/VCR on for 2 days. And how did you know it was left on for 2 days??? Ahh, that’s lovely g-pa… scheming to nitpick something.

I’m not going to bear the weight of piddly junk like that when things could be far more serious… we could be suffering drug abuse, violence and pregnancy with those boys… but instead we are suffering 2 days with the DVD/VCR left on and a week of grumpy ass people getting on each other’s nerves- eventually fighting.

That type of junk goes on daily at my house… and I feel it’s ridiculous. It turns ugly because everyone is so bent out of shape over something stupid- that it becomes screaming arguments and then ice cold shoulders ignoring each other. I quit.

YeE-HaA

Well… sex has been extremely fucktacular! I’ve been kind of dominant lately… I initiate- control and finish it. It’s cool! And he doesn’t mind at all! *Snort* I’ve been riding him like a bucking bronco, waking him with blow jobs… even sleep-sexing him, lol. It’s good stuff… and the look he gives me when the deed is done is priceless. He appears to be nothing short of amazed each time… a lovely little ego booster for myself.

He just loves the muscle control I have… so do I… soOo do I! There’s nothing like the sensation of being close to having an orgasm, then squeezing your muscles to grip his hard…

Oh I’m sorry… I got lost in porn-dreams. Similar to daydreams… but far far more entertaining.

Bending Over for Another Ass Kicking…

2005-06-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

Yes... Sam is seriously gonna kick my booty!

Hey! Did you guys know Samantha was a pirate in a previous life?

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Whatever do ye mean?" the pirate replies, "I be fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrr," says the pirate, "Was in a battle at sea an’ a cannon ball hit me leg… but da surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Arrrr," says the pirate, "I were in another battle and boarded an enemy ship. I were sword fightin’ and me hand was cut off… but Da surgeon patched me up with this hook, and I be feelin’ dandy, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Arrgghh," says the pirate, "One day when I be at sea, some birds were flyin’ over da ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in me eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Arrgghh," says the pirate, "wasn't totally used to da hook yet."

Har Harrrgghh!

When you step outside of Sam’s front door, this is what you see…

When we picnicked out at the river Chris found a distant relation to the airplane gremlin.

Awww! look at the sleepdoo!

I wonder if she was dreaming of the Sims. I brought my game boy and she got totally hooked on the Sims Bustin’ Out.

My Sam… my kindred sistah.

New Artwork

I made a hideous new art picture… but it’s very grotesque… if you’d like to see it go to my gallery… you can’t miss it. But be warned!!!! Everyone is freaking out about how creepy it is… cause I am the Queen of Macabre! Arrr!

I Am Still Alive!

2005-06-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah yeah, I Should Be Spanked.

I’m soOo incredibly sorry I haven’t been updating. Life, as you know, gets in the way some times.

How am I? Oh, I’m my usual messy self… but would you have it any other way?

I thought not.

Things are CRAZY! I had to fire my assistant cause he was looking/printing inappropriate images while I was on vacation. Sucks too… cause now I’m so freaking busy at work it’s driving me nuts.

Then my man tried to steal me away from the world… it worked for 4 days… but finally I said enough was enough! I need MY bed, MY computer, MY junk! I miss my junk! Since I’ve been back from California it seems I have absolutely no time for myself. Which is good I suppose- but I’m pooped. Pooped I tells ya…

“Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular?” (My fav episode of what TV show???)

This picture was taken the original day I was suppose to come home from California… but I had to get Sam and Chris to pick me back up after sitting at the airport for 6 hours thanks to engine troubles with the plane. So, needless to say I'm not at my best... and I cut part of my face off. But this one is all about my Sam. *SmoOches Sistah*

Sam is soOo Gonna Kick my Ass

2005-05-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Rubber Ducky... You're The One.

What??? Did you say you needed to see this closer??

I'm sorry Samantha... but this was just toOo cute not to post. Oh how you will kick my ass next time you see me... cause that's not even the good one... but you'll see. tehe!

Trippin' on Da Way to Cali

2005-05-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

My mom and my sister kept rushing me around… saying I wasn’t going to make it to the airport in time enough to go through security and catch the plane… but I did. With 20 minutes to spare before boarding.

I was soOo terrified… I hadn’t been in an airplane since I was 12 and all I remember from that trip is I was on the verge of puking ‘cause I was airsick.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please secure your seatbelts and make sure all seats are in the upright position…” yeah yeah there was more to it but I’ve been stoned since then.

The plane started to move… I didn’t feel queasy like I thought I would- no nausea… I just broke out into a heavy sweat. I mean I had sweat pouring from my head. The poor man beside me must have thought I had some sort of glandular problem…

The plane started to accelerate and I felt us rising off the ground, into the air... It was awesome! I felt like putting my hands in the air and screaming “WooOOO!” I felt like a monk hootin’ and hollerin’ on a yellow rollercoaster……….

Ok, so maybe that’s an exaggeration… but I did seriously feel like putting my hands in the air and screaming “WooOOO!”

Honestly… it was a damn itty bitty plane- I totally wasn’t expecting to be squished. I would have just knocked my knuckles on the overhead compartment if I raised them up. I’ll have to post a bitch rant on how NEVER to fly America West.

Anyhoo… so ok we are in the air… I’m totally captivated by the view outside the window. I was just looking around, snapping a FEW PICTURES when I noticed some hairy little beast sitting on the wing of the plane. OMG! He was trying to pry up the cowling plate on the wing! I called the flight attendant over… explained what I saw and pointed out the window. The flight attendant didn’t see anything, then proceeded to ask if I was feeling ok and if I would like a beverage.

Well the next time I saw the lil’ beast I was already on to his game… I snapped a picture. He was actually quite friendly, though he used lots vulgar language. We hit it off and I got his contact information. He explained he’d catch me on my flight back into Texas and would leave the wing alone… for now.

Ok… this really didn’t happen. But I did take a picture of the wing- this photo is just an embellished composite of the actual photo I took… oh yeah… and Samantha’s boyfriend Chris, whom I have turned into the Twilight Zone Airplane Gremlin… (Chris is an awesome guy btw.)

I had a 4 hour wait in Arizona, which was freakin' hot and humid as hell, for my connecting flight to Cali. Phoenix Arizona has a gigantic airport… sheesh. I went to the bathroom… ‘cause there was no way I was going to use the one on the airplane… can you say Port-a-Potty. Bleh! I stopped in a little shop that had junk with Arizona plastered all over it… bought some Arizona junk and proceeded to a lil’ pit stop consisting of 2 double vodka & cranberry cocktails, a horrible salad and several cigarettes. I called everyone I needed to call to let them know I was in Arizona. Finally time for boarding… I was a wee tipsy. Got on the plane and dozed off before we even took to the air... snoring and drooling until the horrible landing in Bakersfield California… where the pilot hit the brakes so hard I actually went flying forward… thank the goddess for seatbelts.

To be continued… cause I’m at work and don’t have the photos I’m looking for… plus I should really be working… um… ok see-ya-later-bye.

Stay Tuned...

2005-05-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait.

Sad Picture, Happy Post

2005-05-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

Ok I finished this picture yesterday… my feelings were terribly hurt at the time, still are a wee bit… but I’m too preoccupied with my trip and packing and nervousness to write what happen… but I’m sure you guys didn’t want to hear me bellyache anyway… just know that the hair in this image is the tail of a horse and the mane of a horse... I finished this at work and do not have the same goodies installed as I do at home... so I had to improvise.

Off With The Training Wheels!

Wow! Tomorrow I fly to California to visit my lovely witchy friend, Samantha. I can’t freakin’ believe it! This is such a big deal for me… I believe I told you all that I’ve never done anything, gone anywhere… this is a big ‘Yes I’m an adult and can go wherever I please, by myself and make my own decisions’ event for me!

I’m soOo excited and soOo scared at the same time hehe! Like when you’re a kid learning how to ride a bike without the training wheels. You are excited and terrified at the same time. It’s awesome. I haven’t had this much excitement over anything in years… I can’t stop yakking & chit chatting… my leg is bouncing 90 miles an hour and tonight I doubt I will be able to sleep.

I probably will not be updating my blog but once or twice, if at all this next week. No graphics at all… hopefully Sam and I will be posting pictures though! I’m bringing my digitals so we can… tehe! The first thing I’d like us to post is a picture of us together! But we’ll see… we might be too busy cackling like chickens to think about photos!

I want to see if I can get a picture looking out the window of the plane while it’s descending… but that depends on if I get air sick or not heh. When I was 12, the only time I ever got on a plane, I was soOo incredibly air sick. It was awful!

Anyway! You all send positive thoughts and wishes for a safe trip, an awesome experience and for a virtual friendship becoming ‘Real,’ so to speak. Hehe!

I’m so nervous and excited about meeting Sam, and worried about whether she’ll really like me or if I’ll get on her nerves hehe… I meet new people all the time, but for some reason this is major hehe… maybe cause I’m flying across half the country to meet her for the first time- I donno but this whole thing is just awesome!

Sam!!!!! I’m coming! I’ll see you tomorrow!

The Voodoo You Do

2005-05-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

Definitions of iniquitous:
adjective: characterized by iniquity; wicked because it is believed to be a sin

Definitions of iniquity:
noun: absence of moral or spiritual values
noun: an unjust act
noun: morally objectionable behavior

Love is supposed to reach out to all… without judgment or discrimination. That is true of love… however, the mind is manipulated, or molded- take your pick, from childhood… to try and recognize what is right or wrong. Ideas and beliefs are implanted that cause us to battle it out with our hearts and our minds.

But what is right or wrong? What is acceptable- the standards that we are raised by, societal standards or the qualities that make our lives richer by experience and learning?

The guy I’m dating has a past… some of which is fairly shocking to me… and some of it is still relevant today… I argue with myself almost daily about what I’m doing with this guy… he has children, he has a nasty past with drugs and the law… but my heart loves him. He is sweet, funny, sexy and completely open & honest with me. When I see the smile on his face I melt… I swoon. It’s my mind that argues his ‘baggage.’ I've been told what's acceptable and unacceptable.

So what do you do? Go with your heart, knowing there might be some trials and turbulence involved with the relationship because of the past… or do you focus on the here and now… the future, and accept the past with a forgiving frame of mind? And what of those people close to you, who cast judgment because they believe you can get better or don’t need to be involved with someone that has so much ‘baggage?”

Who has the right to judge? Who has the right to tell you what’s right and wrong for your life? I have people shaking the finger at me… I’m 31- though I may not have made the best decisions in my life so far, but I would not change a single one of them. I believe I’m old enough and experienced enough to know that what I feel for this guy is truly unique compared to my other long-term serious relationships.

The fact of the matter is… nobody can tell you what’s right/wrong for you… your life. They can only make the judgments on their own lives… and just because we may not agree with some decisions people make… we should not think that it’s iniquitous to love someone unconditionally, point fingers or even say ‘I told you so’ should the worst happen.

oOoOoH JOY!

2005-05-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

Click the image to see it larger.

RAH! What a week… what a weekend for that matter. The good news is I didn’t freak out at all the rest of the week. The better news is I had tons of sex, in fact, so much sex that I was actually NOT horny for about the first half of Saturday… until Saturday evening… then everything went back to my normal lustiness. BUT, THE GREATEST NEWS OF ALL IS…. *insert drum roll sound clip here*

ONLY 5 MORE DAYS UNTIL I FLY TO SEE SAMANTHA! WOOT WOOT!

I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait! Now I know this adds pressure to Samantha… worrying about keeping me entertained for a week… or probably wondering why the goddess is angry with her to curse her with my presence and how she’ll manager to put up with me for a week… but I say “No worries!” I’ve decided to provide a list of irritating quirks Samantha will have to tolerate from me, so she’ll have a week to prepare…

10. I sometimes walk in my sleep. The least of Sam’s worries, but still- I figured a warning was appropriate. Sam, you might want to tag me with a tracker… just incase I do sleepwalk… wandering the California countryside in my pajamas- in my sleep- may make for an interesting story and photos… but I’d prefer to be conscious during my gallivanting and to not be eaten by mountain lions at any point during my visit.

9. I drool in my sleep. Yes… sadly it’s true… I think I’ve admitted it before… oh wait! Sam told me to bring my own pillow… soOo maybe this isn’t too much of an issue! I can drool on my pillow anytime I want! But… Sam may have to tolerate seeing the lil’ drool spots on my pillowcase. Eew!

8. For the safety and sanity of Samantha’s family and pets, she should Avoid feeding Robin Black Beans at all costs! I love black beans… but black beans do NOT love me.

7. Robin is Rude. “No way!” You might exclaim… but it’s true… I am rude… not meaning to be of course, however, being a person who speaks her mind- I can just blurt out the first thing that comes to thought- which may not always be appropriate. Samantha has the permission to kick me in the knee anytime she feels I’m being too rude. You bloggers bear witness to my virtual consent… and make sure she posts how many times she kicks me.

6. If to hysterically tickled by witty repartee, Robin tends to laugh like a donkey in heat… causing her to hyperventilate- resulting in the wetting of the under pants. Try not to make me laugh too hard… it can quickly spread into an epidemic, resulting in uncontrollable group hysterics and wetting of the under pants.

5. I snore… oh this isn’t just a wee warning. I’ve been told I can saw some serious lumber… just roll me over. If that doesn’t work, the stuffing of the pillow in the face is guaranteed to stop the snoring… but unless Sam is ready to take on a Robin Zombie or to be haunted by the Ghost of Robin, it is not recommended.

4. If I have food stuck in my teeth… and there is no toothpick/toothbrush/dental floss around… what do I do people??? That’s right… I use a piece of my hair. I will try to keep it discrete, but you may catch a glimpse of this in action out of the corner of your eye.

3. Tons of Photos being taken. Ok… not a big deal you may think… but, considering I’ll be using my digital camera… taking tons of photos will result in the need to upload them onto a computer- this will probably have to be done daily.

2. I space out often and frequently. This is an extremely bad habit of mine… it took years to perfect… keeping myself entertained in the confines of my own brain- one of my many rude behaviors… HOWEVER, this can be a plus too…

1. I may never want to leave! Samantha may just have to tie me up, stuff me in a box and FedX my ass back to Texas… cause once I meet my friend, who I love so dearly… I may never want to let her go… or I may just stuff Samantha in my pocket and sneak her back to Texas with me… I’m sure there’s a couple of people I know who would help me with the stealing of Samantha wink wink Phoibos!

0. Yes… there’s a number zero… I need to mention that my southern accent may get a little annoying after a while… the cute Texas Y’alls and Fixin’ to’s may very well drive you insane. Mmm K?

I’m off to see the Sistah! The Wonderful Sistah of Ahhs! She should be able to handle that stuff… don’t you think??? Ooh the anxiety! I love you Sam! I’ll be there Saturday!

In Other News…

There’s a story behind the angel pic… a mushy story that entails dreamy love, sweet romance and steamy sensual sex… all ironic to monster little me… but eh… too busy thinking about Sam to write that other junk!

Up-Side-Down

2005-05-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

Sunny-side upside-down…
Topsy-turvy and all spun around…
Muffled, muted, whiney whimper…
Fidgeting tongue with a quick-draw temper.

Wow. I mean wOW… I haven’t had a day like yesterday in quite a while. I certainly hope my new year as a thirty-something doesn’t continue they way it began.

My entire day was full of aggravation- from the drive into work, work itself, arriving home and arriving to his house… RAH!

I did get a smile from giving his mother a birthday present… as her birthday was the same day as mine… but that quickly turned to a frown after his brother’s woman was obviously bested by the gift I gave, and proceeded to shove the crappy dollar-store shadow box she got his mother in my face… literally in my face… sad thing is the brother has a wee bit o’money- they just didn’t spend it on mom.

I had wanted to make his mother a necklace for a while now… but instead of making it completely by hand, I gave her a sterling 24inch Italian rope chain with a 2.5” oval Blue Lace Agate pendant… (I make/sell jewelry, btw.) I gave her this particular stone not only because her favorite color is baby blue… but because of the metaphysical properties of the stone. Blue Lace Agate can be used for a variety of things… but the purpose I charged it with was for Peace/healing of mind, body and soul… considering she just lost her husband a few weeks ago and her health is extremely poor.

Anyway… I was pretty damn irritable all day, not to mention mopey. Things finally seemed like they were improving while in his company. We went to have a couple of drinks, flirted a bit and headed back to his. As we arrived, his cousin came out the door, stepping right in front of my car… I just about ran her over! His ex was on the phone and thought she was going into labor.

Now I knew this was coming… I thought after much conversing with him about my feelings and junk that I would be able to cope when the time came. Boy was I wrong. It hit me like a ton of bricks… and for the second time in one day, I freaked out.

I’ll spare you all the gory details of the frantic ramblings and the sobbing phone call to my ex… but I will tell you my eyes were so damn swollen when I woke up this morning I could barely see. I looked like I had been in a boxing match. I haven’t cried that hard in a long, long time. Sure the events of the day played a huge role in my 2nd freak-out, this was just the dingle-berry atop the heaping mound o’shit given to me on my birthday.

Today I’ve been incredibly drained… I felt numb- but still horny… which just makes me think I should seek professional help. Ahh well… tomorrow is another day… and my eyes won’t be swollen and buggy.

Scrappy Berf Day To Me...

2005-05-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

Yep peoples… it’s true. Today is my birthday… freaking 31 years old.

Well… it’s never been a secret… I’m spoiled rotten. I’m a selfish brat… and damn proud of it at this particular point in my life. Yes… everything is about me… what I want, what I need and what makes me happy. It took a long time for me to learn I can say no to my parents… I can say no to my sisters… and that I do need to worry about me… cause if I take on all the other junk my family has going on- I’d look like THIS. Not having children, or any major responsibilities other than rent, car and my pets, tends to irk people sometimes… because I can just pick up and go whenever I want.

I’ve been under a certain about of stress lately… some of it self-induced… the rest of it just the normal brouhaha of daily living. I’ve also been aware of turmoil brewing between my sister and I, as well as the rest of the family. Unfortunately, it came out this morning in a huge, fantastic argument with my sister on the drive in to work.

Dude! I flipped out! Whoa! My mouth was all filthy with profanity and I was not in the damn mood to discuss anything… did that stop sister from making me? Hell no… and then bam… she says something extremely ugly.

Usually arguments consist of much back and forth on who did what, why, when and where… mostly you hear “Well you do this… oh yeah… that’s because you do this” type of thing. When the score is tallied up, and one person is in the lead- the other person will bust out with a low blow below the belt. If I had balls, they’d have been kicked up into my throat thanks to a low blow from my sister.

I rarely freak out like this… but when I do… run for cover, AND it has to be something pretty dang offensive to me. I won’t go into all the ugly specifics… but let’s just say the start of my day resulted in smeared mascara running down my cheeks, swollen eyes and a severely scrunched up pissy facial expression.

Oh joy! I got the spend my birthday looking like crap and having tons of people come wish me well… then ask me “Are you ok? Do you have allergies? Were you crying? Did you party too much last night?” My lip quivered with aggravation… and more filth danced around in my head… but I bit my tongue.

oOh so very moody but… it’s my party and I’ll freak out if I damn well want too!

Now For Something Completely Different…

I’ve discovered a unique quirk I have… rather my body has, umm ok my boobies have… a type of reflex. I’ve noticed that when I have an orgasm, my nipples get really hard. “OK” you’re thinking… “what’s so unique about that???” Well my friends I’ll tell you… I’ve discovered that depending on the magnitude of the orgasm, my nipples respond differently.

When I have a small orgasm… only my right nipple gets hard. That’s it… just the right nipple- the other seems to be asleep or something. When I have a marvelous Right-O that makes me yodel- both my nipples get rock hard.

At this point you must be thinking I’m crazy… but that’s ok- I never said I was sane. And yes, I do pay attention to that silly stuff- I know my body.

I’ve tested this theory… several times on my own… and a couple of times with my guy. We laughed and laughed about it… it’s just silly to notice, but funny make happen. Now he has a goal… and a means to tell just how much he pleased me… cause the nipples don’t lie… at least not for another 10-15 years until they point at my toes for the remainder of my life.

So… incase I ever do that 100 things list… I have one lil’ perky quirk to add to that list.

Then and Now...

2005-04-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

I thought I’d be brave and post my picture from one year ago and one from one week ago. Yeep! It’s awful…

But… I’ve lost the weight in a good healthy way… just reducing the amount that I eat and what I eat… especially cutting out most of the soda pop. I love to eat… I’ve always associated good times with good friends and good food. Not to mention ex and I really weren’t active and both gained 60lbs during our 3.5 years together... We were mostly just fat and happy, watching movies, buying books and eating- eating- eating.

I have 25-30 more pounds I’d like to lose before I’m completely happy. Now… I eat to live, I don’t live to eat. I still eat my favorite foods… I just don’t gorge myself… I eat until I no longer feel hungry… I don’t go back for 2nd helpings… unless it’s just something so delicious… which doesn’t seem to be anything these days. I’m so sick of fast food… even restaurants. Bleh! (Mainly because my sister and I eat out everyday at lunch… I’m getting burnt out on some places)

Anyway… I haven’t convinced myself I’m on a diet… I don’t deprive myself of any foods or treats… I don’t jog or workout everyday… hell the most exercise I get right now is sex on the weekends heh.

I’m going to start walking with my boss again, as we did last spring, and do some Pilates to tone up and help me get the last lbs off… but total weight gone is 30lbs.

Boy, what a difference, eh?

SHOUT IT OUT

Ok… I like the new tag box thingy… so you blogonians say hi or something! I usually always check out the blogs of those who comment.

Charmed...

2005-04-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

For those of you who seek me, I am right before your eyes…
though many of you are blind to my presence.

I am the tear dripping down your cheek…
I am the sorrow that breaks your heart…
I am laughter… I am hunger…
I am life… I am… Passion.

New Doohickey...

2005-04-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

Ok... I've added a tag chat box doohickey to the right… so all you drive by lurkers can just pop a line of text in, if’n ya feels like it. But if I find a better one... this one goes poof.

2005-04-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

(Click on the picture to see the original image, this one is sized for bloggage.)

He’s crept into my heart… and I didn’t realize my defenses were weakening from the inside out. New infatuation, new love… whatever… I’m still a mess- just now I’m starting to turn into a mushy sort of gooey mess of affection. Oh don’t get me wrong, I still have my bitch qualities- sarcasm, rudeness and brutal honesty I give him everyday… but it’s also followed by a kiss, a butt smack or a stop-what-you’re-doing-press-your-body-against-me-hug.

The “Call me when you get home so I know you’re ok” command… my usual response “If I remember” turning into a ‘yessir’ sexual dominance smirky innuendo… “but if I don’t will you spank me?” along with the batting of the eyelashes.

Yes peoples, I know… it’s sickening… but he brings out the affectionate pervert in me and I’m freaking horny as hell because of… well… yesterday’s belated blog will tell.

RAH! Hehe… I was going to post yesterday… but we had a tornado scare while at work. Then I went to his house and didn’t get home until late… and I just didn’t feel like posting at that point. So, here’s the junk I wrote yesterday...

Feelin’ The Monday Blues…

I had a great weekend. I was not ready for it to end… blah blah, just like the rest of you.

All my plans went through with the exception of one major plan… Damn Mother Nature’s Curse struck me 3 days early… so my sexual plans went *poof!* That would have just made the entire weekend superb… but I had to settle for great. I did take care of my guy though… more than he expected.

I’m A Little Grease Monkey…

Short and stout… I’ve been helping him at his shop. Me… doing manual labor! Can you believe it?!?! I love it. Since I was a wee lil’ lass, I loved tinkering with junk… I took apart soOo many electronic appliances and put them back together… fixing most. Being in his shop with all the misc. auto junk makes me feel a youthful curiosity, with tinkerful enthusiasm.

He’s quite surprised that I enjoy helping him and getting REALLY dirty. He said he’s never had a girlfriend who wanted to help, let alone step foot in his shop. He and his mother have both said I don’t look like the type of girl who gets dirty… ever. Oh, how little they know about me… if I plan on getting dirty, I get REALLY DIRTY. Why not go all the way?! Lol! He was even more surprised to discover that I have been reading up on motorcycle repair and custom paint jobs… learning about it.

It’s cool! There is just one major problem… the distractions. What distractions?? You might ask… each other. I find that while working with him, I have the strongest desire to grope him… touching him all over. When he’s standing on a small latter installing a new light fixture… that’s not exactly the safest thing to be doing… but I couldn’t help it! His mid-section was right in my face… perfect height… oOoh the things I wanted to do. He told me he loves watching me work… I’m guessing he thinks it’s sexy cause he usually has that oOoh-baby look on his face.

It’s quite nice working with him… oh wait… there’s another problem. He’s a foul mouth! Lol… and it’s rubbing off on me! He says two things- I dare not repeat- that totally freak me out, though. I did let him know that should he ever call me either of those two things… I’d give him a good swift kick to his family jewels- and he would never be forgiven. Other than that… I’m picking up his foul, vulgar habit of saying fuck and bitch all the time… not directed at people, but directed at inanimate objects heh. Either way it’s a bad habit.

I’m going to have to chew on some soap for a while… **BuRP!**

Back to Groping…

I find I just can’t keep my hands off him in general. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me want to constantly grope him. I don’t mean sweetheart affection either… I mean- “Damn I’m horny Gotta Touch That Ass” type of groping. He’s pretty affectionate… and will sneak in a grope here and there… but me… I don’t care who’s watching or where we are… if I want to grab his ass I will- and do frequently. I also just love rubbing my body against his heh… anyway…

Froggy Quandary…

2005-04-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

I shall keep him.

We had serious conversations yesterday… and I believe I’m going to give it a go… I feel good about it.

Besides… if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out… I’ll get over it. In the mean time, I will enjoy how I feel when I am with him and what he gives me.

Torn...

2005-04-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

There are times when you just can’t seem to make up your mind… but sooner or later something comes along that tips the scales. I suppose that’s what I’m waiting for… in the mean time… I’m still torn between the lesser of two evils.

Once Upon A Time...

2005-04-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time ago, I would have kissed this toad you know…
Never giving a second thought to the consequences it might have brought.
But... with age and experienced woe, my lips do hesitate- my fear does show…
And though I try to see a prince… my dread of bitterness is greatly intense.

Ka-BoOm!

Well… I finally blew. I told him everything that was on my mind… well for the most part anyway. What I seem to be having the most issues with finally got to me and I let him have it… my emotion that is.

I cried… he cried… we cried together. He asked me to have patience and to stay with him… again that he cares for me beyond definition. He wants to see what kind of life we can have together… how happy we can be… after his ex has the baby. I told him I don’t know that I can do that… I don’t know how much I’ll be able to control my emotions… my contempt and jealousy over his situation. He asked me to please try… that he can’t just turn his back on his feelings for me.

I tried to convince him to work it out with his ex… that since they had children together- they would always be a part of each other’s lives. I explained that no relationship is perfect… and it takes hard work- devotion- dedication and compromise to make it work. He just looked at me and said he can’t love her anymore… the damage was done. And I have his heart.

Was anything resolved? No… not for me… I’m still going nuts… I didn’t end it, I didn’t promise I’d stay around… I said I’d try- but I don’t know how long that would last.

I cried and cried… but my damn Fairy Godmother didn’t come! I think I might have pissed her off a bit last time I saw her… I mentioned she looked like she gained a couple of extra pounds… but she’s a Fairy for goodness sake!

To Be Continued...

…Between A Rock & A Squishy Place…

2005-04-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

Would you take the risk?

Cognitive Overkill...

2005-04-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

I’m very tired. I couldn’t even begin to know exhaustion like he has though… or his mother.

Tuesday night I sat with him and went through stacks of photos… pulling out all the photos of his dad. His eyes became very bloodshot, glazed over with tears… and he had to step away a couple of times.

I’ve seen him everyday since last Friday. I’ve watched him go from a state of shock and disbelief to a type of numbness. Occasionally getting lost in his thoughts… staring off into space… randomly watching his eyes fill with tears.

Last night I just wanted to hold him, cradle him in my arms and rock him to sleep.

Today… his family is having a memorial service for his father. He was cremated, so they aren’t having a regular funeral… I will not be attending.

Inertia

I’ve been talking a little with my sister about my situation with this guy. There are serious things he’s shared with me that have me dazed and confused. I told my sister that I seriously have no idea why I’m so drawn to the guy… there are things about him I just don’t like at all… but when he looks at me… when he smiles at me… I just don’t care about all that other stuff.

My issue is when I get home… when I’m not with him the details of his life gnaw at me. I get so stressed out over it…

Everything has happened so fast… it has overwhelmed me terribly. Last night I was thinking my stress has a lot to do with not questioning him thoroughly about everything he’s shared with me. The timing isn’t right… his dad just died. I’ve slowly asked a few questions, and moved away from the subject quickly… but I haven’t asked the things I want to…

I have told him that I have some serious concerns about being involved with him… and he understands. I’ve even gone as far to tell him that I have no idea why I’m still staying with him… but there’s something about him that captivates my heart. That did bother him a little, but I explained I have to be honest… and when something is eating at me as bad as this is… I have to express how I feel- whether or not it’s a good time… but we could talk about it in more detail later on.

Last night he told me that he really cares for me again… so much so he fears it goes far deeper than that. I told him that the circumstances haven’t exactly been normal for us since we started dating… and that the trauma of losing his dad has him extremely emotional and possibly a bit confused at the moment. We both are, and we don’t really know if these feelings are true. He said he knew… they are real, that he started to feel that way before his dad died. All I said was “We’ll see.”

I think about all the junk he’s told me… and my mouth falls open.
I stroke the side of his face with my hand and I forget what he’s told me.
I listen to his war stories and my head shakes with disapproval.
When we embrace… I am at ease and nothing else matters.

These mixed feelings are equally profound… and I am beside myself.

Lyrics Stuck in My Noodle…

She never let on how insane it was
in that tiny, kinda scary house
by the woods…

So many storms not right somehow...
how a lion becomes a mouse
by the woods…

You don't need a space ship…
they don't know you've already lived
on the other side of the galaxy…

But I have to get to TEXAS…
And I'll give away my blue, blue dress.

Tori Amos – Black Dove

Hisssphhhfffftttt!

2005-04-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

Mayhem...

2005-04-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

Well… today I am still insane…

I’ve discussed some junk with Sam, discussed the whole sha-bang with ‘him’ and I still just don’t know. I don’t want to mess with it… I don’t want to think about it… I think I’ll go into denial for a little while…

Eh… screw that. Let’s have a short bitch question list! That’s more fun anyway…

1. Why the hell can’t I find just one freaking normal-ish guy who doesn’t have severe insecurities or tons of caca baggage??

2. Are there any single men who’ve never been married and DON’T have kids left in the world?!?!?! People say all the good ones were taken early… but it’s been my experience that yeah… taken and dumped with baggage… but were they ever really good? AND… then you have a no win situation… if the guy is 40 yrs old and has never been married- and clearly didn’t focus on his career… what the hell is wrong with him? He’s got to have some issues… And do you think having a relationship with a female would be better than one with a male? HELL NO… do you think I want all THAT emotional drama? Do you think I want someone who acts just like me when I’m pmsing? Hell no! Boy I sure can be a bitch, do you think I want to deal with someone who’s just like me?!?! Pa-lease…

3. Why am I always the dominant one? Why do I always have to take charge?!?! Oh wait… I think I like being dominant… so never mind.

4. Why the hell did Mom implant the “Never Settle” lecture in my head when I was young… but now that I’m older she takes it back saying “Sometimes you have to settle.” Just one of the many cruel tricks parents play on their offspring. One of the 50 million reasons why I don’t want children.

5. Why the hell are the jerks and screw-ups the best lovers?!?! HuH?!?!?! Can you tell me that?!?!? I really want to know!

I need a cocktail! And who cares if it’s 10:30am! Give me a double- on the rocks!

Being A False Light...

2005-04-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

He looked at me from head to toe... running his hand across the length of my body... and told me he thought I was incredibly beautiful. I felt my face blush with heat…

He looked me in the eyes and told me that I have no idea what I mean to him or how much he cares for me. My heart sank a little and I felt cruel.

We spent the weekend together… I picked him up Friday night and took him home Sunday afternoon.

He told me everything I would let him tell me about his life… all his secrets… all his feelings. I just smiled at him and placed my hand on his. I didn’t really want to know these things, and I stopped him when I thought it was too much for me to hear. He was so genuinely honest, which is all I asked of him, and that filled me with a tenderness I’ve longed for… truth, trust and honesty. At the same time, my heart grew so heavy with the weight of his words… the burden of his life.

“I have to think about the things you’ve told me to determine what I will do… but, in the meantime- lets just enjoy this time together. We’ll talk about this some other time.”

We drove to the hotel, got a room and went inside. He undressed me and laid me on the bed. That’s when he started telling me how beautiful I was… how much he cared for me. I reached up and pulled him to me, kissing his lips softly. I did not reciprocate… I just distracted.

When we are alone, everything seems perfect. He’s sweet and gentle- very attentive. A big strong man with big strong dreams. There is something about his face… his beautiful smile that keeps me almost in a dream-like state when I’m looking at him. But those words… the truth I so wanted to know- it all made reality sting me a few times… haunting me for the entire weekend.

I thought to myself ‘I will have to end it soon,’ with the intentions of talking to him when I took him home.

The drive to his house was quite. “Parting is such sweet sorrow” churned in my mind. We pulled into the drive, I put the car in park and looked up at him. He said “Thank you for letting me stay with you,” leaned over and kissed me. I looked into his eyes and said “Matt…”

Nothing more was said. His sister came out of the house with a distraught look… He opened the car door and she came over to him. She told him that they had to sign an order for the hospital not to resuscitate his father.

All color flushed from him. She told him that his father’s health had deteriorated over the past two days. That he stopped responding and had no movement. They would be taking him off the machines that kept him alive that night.

He looked at me with such a painful look, “I have to go inside. I’ll call you later.”
I backed down the driveway… on the verge of tears. A rash of guilt flooded my heart.

I was terribly worried about him the rest of the day Sunday. I had called him when I first got home… he was stoic. I told him if he needed anything… don’t hesitate to ask, and I’m here for him. He said he was going up to the hospital, and that if he could he’d call me later.

The hours crept by slowly… I was in a state of inertia. Things repeated themselves over and over in my mind… I do care for him. I don’t want him to suffer… and I knew he had never been given the love that I knew I could give him. I also knew that deep in my heart… I could not be with him. His wounds lie deep… the scars are many… and his love would never be enough.

At 6:30 am this morning, he called. His dad past away. He got the call 10 minutes before he called me. “He’s gone…” his voice cracked with sadness. “I’m sorry baby… I’m so sorry. I’ll be there in about an hour.” “Ok…” he cried, “bye.”

When I got there, he came out to me… I wrapped my arms around him. Again… he lay his head on my shoulder and cried. I held him for 5 minutes… we went inside. His mother was asleep. He told me that he hasn’t told her yet… she had just laid down after being up all night. I held him some more and after about half an hour later he was calm and we talked a little bit about some of the things he needs to do.

His ex called… she wanted him to come and get her and his daughter- but not for what you think. He argued with her… after a couple of these phone calls he told me what was going on. More things I didn’t want to know. You see… she’s the mother of his daughter… and she’s 8 months pregnant with another of his children. And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.

I said “You need to go be with her… you may not be together at the moment… but she is always going to be a part of your life. You need to make peace.”

He looked at me and said that he didn’t want to be with her, he needed me. He said he wouldn’t have been so calm without me there and that he wouldn’t have been as nice to her. After a while of back and forth, he decided to go- said he would call me when he got back and hugged me. I got in my car, he kissed me a couple of times… and I drove off.

Now… here I sit typing this up… trying to make sense of my thoughts, thinking I’m in a bit of shock. I believe I’ve been in shock since I got home yesterday. Chaos trying to weed out the chaotic… What am I doing???

I’ve got some information for him about having funeral expenses covered for veterans… it’s been 2 hours since I left him… and I await his phone call…

Head pounding, heart aching… stomach twisted in knots.

10 New “First Time” things…

2005-04-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

Well… it’s a done deal. My airplane ticket is purchased. I’m going to California in May… going to visit Samantha! I’m so excited and so scared at the same time!!!

1. This is my first time to purchase an airline ticket.
2. This is my first time to go anywhere for so long by myself.
3. This is my first trip to California.
4. This is my first time to travel to another state to visit someone I’ve never met in real life before.
5. This is the first time I’ve ever invited myself to someone’s house, someone I’ve never met, and was welcome!
6. This is my first time purchasing luggage.
7. This is my first time to cross time zones.
8. This is my first time to plan a vacation and actually go somewhere instead of sitting my ass at home.
9. This is will be the first time I leave my George for longer than 2 days… oh it’s gonna be tough without my puppy!
10. This is the first time I’ve ever had courage to do anything like this…

I can’t wait! The last time I road a plane I was 12… and I went to Colorado to stay with my sister. Other than that… I’ve never left the state of Texas… and I’m now 30. I hope this is the first of many trips to various places around the world.

I met Samantha online through The Cauldron, A Pagan Forum. Commenting on various posts in the beginning, then chatting up in TC’s MUX. She started a blog, and later I did too. We chat daily on yahoo instant messenger. We’ve exchange pictures and even viewed each other on webcam.

I love her- she’s my kindred sistah! Reading about her experiences and chatting with her, I discovered she was not much unlike myself. I’ve never had such a strong desire to meet someone until she came along. One day, I just up and invited myself to visit her during the summer… posting it on her blog a couple of months ago. Today… I purchased the ticket.

I’m very thrilled and excited. I can’t wait to see the beautiful land she lives on, her beautiful face and family. I have butterflies in my tummy!

I’m very terrified and nervous! I’m nervous about the plane ride, nervous about all the “what ifs” and about leaving George.

I’ve never been so excited in my life. I’m coming Sam!

Impluse...

2005-04-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

I have no plot that corresponds with this image. I stayed up to 1:00am working on this…

Why yes, yes my junk is getting stranger and stranger. Most of my artwork goes off whatever appeals to me that day and whatever mood I’m in. Yesterday I was in a funk… but I didn’t really have any thoughts on this… it started off to be a tree face… but it morphed into this. You call still see one element of the tree I was originally working on… the bottom left side of the image is tree roots.

Well spank my monkey and call me Bertha… I have nothing to write about.

But I’m still damn horny… oh and I’ve lost a total of 30 lbs.

2005-04-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

BOT-tastic...

2005-04-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

It’s a phenomenon… something like a bot phenomenon. Spy bots… spywear… you can’t go anywhere without getting these pesky critters on your system.

Then you download some free shareware crap that removes everyone else’s spywear… but installs their own caca spyware. You can’t download music, get hacks or even look at good ol’ porn without getting the damn junk. Redirected searches, pop up ads and stolen cookies… spam it… er uh- damn it.

RAH!

I’m damn horny… DAMN it I say! I mean- pitch a fit like a redheaded brat throwing a temper tantrum down the candy isle at the grocery store ‘cause mama said ‘NO!’- DAMN IT. The weekend can’t get here quick enough…

The “Guy’s” Father…

They took him off the machines… he’s breathing on his own. Today, he spoke. He can’t see very well… but over all the man seems to have a great start to recovery. Send one more wish for good recovery! Thank you!

Corrosion...

2005-04-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

Wow. What an experience… going through the emotional trauma of family illness. It takes its toll on a person… rather quickly.

Saturday night I went to see him. He hadn’t really slept in two days… and his mind was a world of chaos… mine was somewhat the same. I tried to bring smiles to his face… I tried to bring him a little bit of relief… I wanted to take his mind off his family situation at least for a couple of minutes.

I went as far as sticking my finger in his nose. I had been stroking his face… I love his skin… I could tell he was spaced out in thought. SoOo, I just casually stuck the tip of my finger in his nose… he pulled back and I busted into a huge grin. He started laughing… wrapped his arms around me and said “Thank you, Robin.” I said, “For what?! Sticking my finger up your nose?” He said yes… because I made him laugh, and I just do things out of the blue that make him smile and feel good for a little while. I told him it was a good thing I didn’t score a booger because then it would have been a different story…

I talked to him about how I feel… I told him I didn’t know if I would be able to go through this stuff with him… but I couldn’t abandon him. He told me that he had expected me to dump him… and that he was surprised I’ve done some of the things I’ve done. I was honest… I told him I thought about it- that I’ve been struggling with the seriousness of it all. But I’m not the type of person to completely abandon a friend in a serious time of need. I don’t want to be added stress on his shoulders, but I had to let him know what I was feeling before things went any further. He told me he was glad I was there with him and that I wasn’t a stress, I was a relief.

Orgasm Induced Guilt
(This is somewhat explicit... that's your warning.)

We had been sexually flirting with each other all night… finally he made me go back to his bedroom with him. He brushed the hair from my eyes, leaned in and kissed me. While he kissed me, he pulled my body close to his and I felt his excitement against my stomach. He turned my head to the side and started kissing my neck. That’s all you have to do to turn me on- kiss my neck… and he does something heavenly with his tongue on my neck… I instantly melt.

He caressed my body, slowly working his way down- sliding his hand in my pants. His excitement intensified when he felt how wet I was and he shoved his tongue deep in my mouth, passionately kissing me. He pulled my pants down just a little… not even completely past my hips… but just far enough to see my femininity. He raised himself up a little to watch, and so did I. He moved his hand slowly and firmly… watching him slide his fingers up and down, around in small circles made my entire body quiver… he moaned a deep purr into my ear, just before going down and giving me an entirely different kind of kiss. I thought I was going to faint.

He stood up and started to remove his pants… before he could lower them to his knees- I took him completely into my mouth, pulling him forward. He let out a shaky moan and grabbed my head with both hands. I moved my tongue the same way he did on my neck- as well as other places, while he was still in my mouth. Normally I tease while giving oral pleasure… I’ll get him close, then stop- teasing with my tongue a little… then start in again. This time I didn’t do that… I just kept intensely going. He grabbed a hand full of my hair, let out heavy moan with what seemed to be every ounce of breath in his body, and came in my mouth. He fell to the bed, and pulled me close.

He then began to cry. I put my hand on his cheek and said “Babe, what’s wrong?” He said he didn’t know… that suddenly images of his father just flooded into his head and he felt extremely guilty. He apologized to me, saying he was sorry he ruined the moment… I looked him in the eyes and said it’s ok… he didn’t ruin anything. It was perfectly normal to be feeling what he was feeling… and he wasn’t doing anything to be ashamed of.

He told me about everything that made him feel bad. Just a few days before his father had his stroke… he was extremely irritated with him and couldn’t wait to get away from him. (They work together) Now, he’d give anything just to hear his father gripe at him for any reason. I held him tightly and explained that we all do that… though he might have been irritated with his dad, his love never changed… and its only human nature to feel that way. You love your father, you know he loves you and that is what’s important… He cried for a while longer, then hugged me- apologizing again.

I assured him all was ok… but that my butt cheeks were freezing cold and I needed to get dressed. He touched my ass and laughed, saying “Damn they are cold!”

Dad’s Condition

His dad opened his eyes Saturday. He’s not looking around and the doctor’s aren’t sure how much he is seeing, but it’s a good sign that he opened them. The part of his brain that controls vision, movement and breathing is what was affected. Though he still can’t breathe on his own, he is responsive and can give thumbs up. He knows what’s going on. Things are looking good for him and his recovery. They are slowly going trying to take him off the respirator. Sunday, he seemed irritated with the nurse, flicked her hand away and tried to stick his tongue out at her. They still have him connected up to all kinds of machines… but knowing that he can somewhat communicate and respond is such a relief to his family. I felt relieved that my guy might actually get some sleep.

Still… please send your positive thoughts and prayers to James Foreman… if just for a second send him a wish for a good recovery. Every little bit helps.

Thank you! Thanks to my friends for showing concern.

Bad News...

2005-04-02T02:48:00.000-08:00

They found out what was wrong with 'his' father. He had a stroke of the brain stem. He responds by squeezing his hand... other than that he can't move, open his eyes or breathe on his own... he will never fully recover...

If I could sing a song of courage to sweep away your fear…
I would sing it loud enough for the entire world to hear.

If I could lift your spirit with a simple kiss from my lips…
I would send a thousand kisses blown from my fingertips.

If I could ease your weary mind with gentle words softly spoken…
I would whisper in your ear “I will never let your heart be broken.”

I don't know what to say to him... I don't know what to do. After a little while I began to think about how messed up he will be for a while… adjusting to the condition of his father. What depression he might go through… and ultimately how it would affect me.

I barely know the man… what did I just get myself into? I don’t want this… I don’t want the drama, emotion and stress… but I can’t just abandon him. I can’t say, “I’m sorry about your father… but I can’t stick around because this is way too much for me.”

I feel guilty now… I want to end this before more damage is done… I know I’ll end up breaking his heart eventually… but I feel it’s cruel to do it now…

His father had a stoke and his girlfriend dumped him… geez.

What in the world do I do? I like him… but I can’t take on his life so fast… I’m just figuring out how to deal with some of my emotions… I can’t absorb his.

I don’t really want to leave him… I don’t really want to be his crutch… I don’t want to be cruel and either way I feel like I would be…

Goddess help me.

Sometimes...

2005-03-31T21:34:00.000-08:00

I'm just damn tired. Bleh.

Someone please come and flip the switch that puts my brain in sleep mode.

The past couple of days have been stressful for me… I can’t even imagine how stressed out the ‘Guy’ I’ve been dating is.

His father has been in the hospital… just had episodes- losing consciousness, until he just didn’t wake up. He’s hooked up to a respirator in ICU and they can’t seem to find out what is wrong with the man. They are leaning towards a stroke… but they aren’t sure. They’ve said 50 millions things… *sigh*

Poor ‘Guy’ is a nervous wreck… so is his family. I’ve only been seeing him for about a month now… though I’ve offered him my shoulder and support… I can’t say I really want to go through this with him… This is the kind of thing that makes people get attached to you… and it’s tough not to feel his pain- imagining myself in his position. I’m not sure I’m emotionally capable to offer any comfort to him… I feel awkward. Suddenly having him depend on me emotionally, when I myself don’t even know what I really think about him… or his family.

But there I stood with him… by his father’s side… watching him fight his tears of concern and fear as he looked upon his frail father with the eyes of a terrified young child… and I tucked the blankets under his father’s feet…

For the first time in my life had a man lay his head on my shoulder and cry purely from his heart.

Sometimes people don’t have enough strength… and you lend them yours.
Sometimes family just isn’t enough… and you need an outside perspective.
Sometimes you don’t want to talk… you just want someone to hold you.

Sometimes… you just… can’t… and you need someone…

Please send positive thoughts and prayers out to James Foreman...

Restored health be his... he has life yet to live, James Foreman.

Desensitized…

2005-03-30T12:32:00.000-08:00

There are times in our life when we become machines. Some of us do, anyway. Some people may work 2-3 jobs just to make sure there is food on the table and the bills are paid. Some people must care for others, due to illness or disability, 24-7.

The difference between the machine and the mundane robot is emotion. The mundane robot gets settled into habits/routines… but keeps all emotion and choice. The machine plugs along regardless of emotion… eventually void of emotion all together. The machine just ‘does’ and keeps ‘doing’ no matter what.

We desensitize ourselves in order to function and get whatever is required of us completed. We don’t have the luxury of self-indulgence.

Must work... can’t stop... can’t think... can’t feel...

You have to be made of steel to endure some of the trials and tasks of this life… sometimes there is no choice. Some jobs require the same… recovering from a natural disaster or a man made one… the machines plug away to recover, restore and rebuild.

You may think them cold-hearted and cruel... but without the machines some of the most gruesome tasks would never be completed.

Modified Opinion...

2005-03-27T18:24:00.000-08:00

It’s quite interesting how your impressions of a person can change the more you get to know them. It’s also interesting how far a little honesty and communication can go.

The big guy has far more to him than I origionally thought. I am pleased.

Acting Stupid...

People get in the habit of acting simple, to crudely put it- stupid, when they are actually educated. It has a lot to do with the environment and peers they associate with. You adapt in a sense. I know I’ve done it… adjusted my way of speaking and relating so specific people could understand me better… and not make them feel ‘stupid.’

I use to speak a lot of technical jargon… I use long unfamiliar words to describe things. People would just look at me puzzled… and then lose interest all together. So, in a manner of speaking… I started using more simple words and ways of explaining things. I started speaking less of complex subjects and more about everyday brouhaha.

Everyone has a different perspective on life and what is important to him or her. These perspectives aren’t always compatible… and depending on the situation- we adapt. We either move towards people who think the same way we do, or we change to accommodate the group we are with.

Don’t think just because someone doesn’t understand a particular subject you are trying to convey that they are completely ignorant. They might have extensive knowledge on some other subject that you are completely clueless about. It is also important to keep in mind that you aren’t condescending when you try to simplify your expressions. Everyone has their own personal wisdom… their individual experiences… and we all can learn from each other, no matter what walk of life.

Me… I just say whatever the hell I think. Sure, at times, it’s inappropriate- possibly brutal… but you’ll always know what I mean and you’ll always know my true opinion.

No matter what level of education, what language or what walk of life… one universal message always conveys… respect and love.

Honor the people you come across in life with the same respect you’d have them honor you.

System Overload...

2005-03-23T20:47:00.000-08:00

I am not wonder woman, though trust me… I would LOVE to be.

Sometimes my wee brain gets extremely overloaded and my thought process is clouded. I have soOo many things going on at once, I seriously push my limits. There’s multi-tasking and then there’s Multi-malwhatthefuckamIdoing.

Things at work can build up super freaky fast… especially if I take a day off. Which I did Tuesday. I come in to work today and there’s 50 million emails waiting for me. It’s very tough to prioritize when you have several extremely important people who call you randomly, suddenly needing a job RIGHTTHISMINUTE.

Hmm… is the FW Division President a higher priority than the Dallas Division? Is the Dallas Marketing Director a higher priority than the FW Marketing Director? Then you have to prioritize the ‘favors.’ My name is spreading throughout the company across several states… which I suppose is a good thing… but geez these people need to realize favors are favors, and though they are on a dead-line, I have my own dead-lines to meet!

And then I begin to lose childhood memories to store all this crap… from magazine ads to computer support… and I forget how to spell simple words. I forget who I am calling while I’m on the phone. I just completely blank out.

Person I dialed: “Thank you for calling bleh, how can I help you?”
Me: “Uh… oh uh… um… duh… did I happen to leave my brain at your office?”

What’s really sad is that has happened to me at the drive-through window of a fast food place… I asked if they had a new brain to sell me that has a good memory... the girl said they just ran out.

Keeping a to-do list isn’t working either… it started turning into a multi-colored scribble with everyone bumping my priorities.

I soOo can’t wait until my vacation in May. I’m going to curl up in Samantha’s pocket and hide away from the rest of the world for a while. No phone calls from work… no emails… no rush jobs. Just beautiful scenery, beautiful friends and fun. Yay!

My Mood...

2005-03-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

Taurus Singles Horoscope Today: Your natural resourcefulness combined with the romance coming to you from the stars makes the next couple days full of possibilities. Explore all sorts of options, and pick and choose at will.

Well I tell you what… seems men come and go in group waves for me. It’s rather funny. I’ll go a week not hearing anything from anyone and then poof… EVERYONE is calling/writing/chatting on the same day. Am I putting out psychic sexual energy waves to the men??? Possibly… maybe when I feel I’m at my sexiest it’s my pheromones pollute the air… whatever it is… I’ll go with it, lol. There is one pending plan that I really would like to have happen… soOo…

I need you all to chant for me again. Pah-lease! Three times! Say it now, really quick while you’re thinking about it, please!

“May Robin get the sex she wants & craves this weekend, starting Friday!”

PLEASE!!!! Even if you are just a 30 second blog-by… that’s plenty of time to chant that for me 3 times.

*SmoOch* Thank you! I love you, ba-bye.

Programmed Modes…

2005-03-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

There are points in my life where the mundane robot in me takes over and I seem to follow the programming of daily routine. Wake, Pee, Work, Eat, Work, Pee, Work, Sleep- Dream of Work.

I drive home… the drive takes 45 minutes- a straight shot home. There are times I don’t remember switching lanes, I don’t remember passing certain exits or entire stretches of highway… like I just blanked out and poof I’m home.

It’s like I follow a program implanted in my brain… a program of habit and routine.

People get settled in their programming… they maintain a routine of their daily rituals, their eating patterns and their sleeping patterns, etc. For some people having anything unexpected tossed into their daily program throws them totally off balance… causing panic, moodiness and makes their whole day seem to go down.

I guess that could be considered a form of compulsive behavior too… anyway...

I like unexpected things, whether good or bad. Sometimes I like to do sporadic things… anything that keeps me on my toes… tests my skills or challenges my thought. There are times I do like to keep to my routine though… and yes- if something causes me to break that routine- I get a little grumpified. If I plan on coming home at a specific time, peel off my work clothes and lounge… that’s what I want to do. If I have to work late because of a last minute request or run an errand after I’ve already changed clothes… I get a little bent out of shape. I huff and puff and grumble about it.

I think as we age, we tend to follow routines more and more. We get set in our ways… our habits… and if things change we get bent out of shape. I hope to be an eccentric older lady… although I’m guessing I’ll be an old spinster with tons of cats & dogs… I’d like to be spontaneous and down right nutty. Maybe one day instead of prunes I’ll eat apricots… maybe I’ll dye my hair a real blue… bright blue… to literally be a little blue haired old lady.

Whatever becomes of me… I hope I don’t fall into the mundane routine of old age… just waiting to die… like my parents.

Personal Demons...

2005-03-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

We all have them… most of which lie dormant because we’ve never dealt with them. Know that if you have never confronted your personal demon(s), it is still there… and will wake… when you least expect it.

A personal demon is a corruption of your soul inflicted by some form of abuse, whether external or internal, and is not always obvious. It takes shape in many different things… anger, depression, insecurity, drug/alcohol abuse, sex, racism- etc.

The majority of us have not defeated our own demons, but rather turned our backs towards them- ignoring them… denying they even exist. We put them to sleep with hope they will just disappear… but we still carry the burden of them on our shoulders. As we grow older, those demons may seemingly stay inactive within ourselves… but can be passed on to our children, and so forth… making our personal demon bear its own offspring.

From your parents, to you and your siblings, to your children and their children… do you know what your family’s personal demons are?

I was going to give an example by showing my family tree... but it started turning into a book and I got damn tired...

Life Drained...

2005-03-17T14:28:00.000-08:00

There are some people who enter our lives that totally suck the life out of us. Those people who just can’t be pleased no matter what you do… those friends who just can’t cheer up and spew all their problems on your shoulders… without anything to offer but woe. You try with all your best efforts to make someone happy, but it seems they prefer to stay in misery. These are the people who can instantly turn a cheerful day into a dreary woe-is-me boo-hoo fest.

These are the people you try once or twice with… but cut them loose right away. Otherwise they’ll have you reflecting their behavior. You spend all your positive energy on trying to help them… when in reality… they are nothing but mere leaches, parasites, living off of you… and in turn you will start doing the same to others.

End it! End it now!

I’ve Got References…

Dating has exposed me to a large variety of men… from short to extremely tall, from toothpick skinny to well toned muscles, from just down right stupid to extreme wit… but no matter the size, shape or even personality… they all use the same damn annoying line:

“I’ve been told….”

There’s a certain amount of flirting that goes on through email and telephone calls, which includes describing how you like to kiss and maybe other sexual innuendos. All usually instigated by the male.

HIM: “How do you like your kisses, Robin?”
ME: “Long and slow, with a balanced amount of tongue and lips… none of that washing machine crap… where your tongue is constantly on spin cycle. How about you? How do you kiss?”
HIM: “Well…. I’ve been told I’m a great kisser.”
ME (Eyes rolling so far back in my skull I can my brain) Sarcastically: “Is that so…”
HIM: “Yep… and I’ve also been told that I know how to use tongue well when it comes to the oral pleasures, too.”
ME: Gag!

Oh yeah?!?! You’ve been told eh? By who?!?! Some Secret Committee of French Kissers and Cunnilingus Arts Society?? Pah-lease! Do you guys seriously think we need references from ex-girlfriends on your skill levels? Do you think any of us are actually interested in knowing that some other ho bitch was there in that mouth before us? Hell no… when you say that, it makes us instantly think you’ve either been with tons of woman and possibly have cooties, or you are so insecure with yourself you rely on the reassurance of others… ‘Was that good for you honey? Are you sure… was it ok?’

Bleh! I’ll be the judge of whether or not I think you are a good kisser or have the art of oral pleasure mastered… The proof is in the pudding- so to speak. I don’t need no stinking references…

But… I’m sure I’ll hear it a few more times before I decided to settle down. Woe is me... WOE is me.

Flesh Consumed...

2005-03-16T19:01:00.000-08:00

Carnal Consort…

Once I was involved in a relationship that was purely carnal. Sex, sex, sex. We never said much to each other, except during the “Let’s hook-up” phone conversation.

HIM: “Hey Robin it’s Sex.”
ME: “Heeeeyyy Sex, what’s up?”
HIM: “I have the night off this Friday, wanna hook-up?”
ME: “Sure… what time?”

This continued on for several months at least twice a week. We’d get busy the minute I entered his place, later order pizza, get busy again and I’d spend the night.

Morning Goodbye’s

ME (after taking a quick shower and getting dressed): “Last night was awesome.”
HIM: “It always is.” *smOoch*
ME: “I’m off then, see ya.”
HIM: “Ok babe, take care.”

We never casually conversed… we knew each others names, how old we were, and just about every square inch of each other’s bodies… but we didn’t know anything about each other’s families, daily happenings or good fortunes. Just sex.

I was quite content with the way things were between us… until he suggested we start really getting to know each other. It had been 5 months at that point… I thought ‘Why not?’ Wouldn’t you know, the very first real date we had was a disaster. We were as different as night and day.

He was a big time snob… I knew he had nice things, a great place and dressed really sharp- but I had no idea he was so freaking stuck up. He made fun of so many people that night… including me and what I chose to wear. I swear I was ready to kick his ass! At the end of the evening I went home, without sleeping with him.

He called the next day apologizing for the way things turned out on our first real date. He suggested maybe we try again, but before he could finish I told him it would probably be better if we didn’t try to get serious and keep things just as they were… pure sex. He agreed. We met 3 more times after that before we finally gave in to our natural dislike for one another… plus we had both met other people.

Sometimes things aren’t meant to go any deeper than that are… I’ve learned that sometimes- great sex is just great sex, and doesn’t a relationship make.

Another similar lesson I learned was: Just because you are best friends doesn’t mean you can be roommates.

So it begins...

2005-03-15T19:35:00.000-08:00

In the silence of our minds lurks a darkness so profound we dare not acknowledge that it exists at all.

There is always one hopeless moment when we think all is lost… especially during the brooding storm of heartache.

I have been so heartbroken once… I literally stayed depressed for a solid year. I had no interest in meeting someone new, working or getting out of bed… I had no interest even in breathing. The ironic thing was I ended the relationship. I knew it was a bad relationship, but he was the first true love I ever had. He had opened my eyes to the world of adulthood… to the fact that I was a woman… and no longer a little girl.

The first love is always the most difficult to overcome. It’s almost like a death… not only for the loss of the person you loved, but for the death of an innocence… the belief that love lasts forever and conquers all.

And little did we know that the realization of this fact only paves the path for more innocence to be lost… we learn of betrayal, scorn and deceit. We learn that darkness does dwell in our heart… and we can hate.

A Personal Note…

You should know that even though my posts may be a bit on the darker side, this is all past reflection. No need for concern… I’m just exploring every aspect of my emotions.

Roar!

2005-03-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

It is the truth… you still haunt my thoughts.

It's Eeevil...

Let’s delve into the macabre, shall we? I believe the next series of images I create will be that of a darker, more beastly nature. I will see if I can touch base with my more deviant passion… the eeeeevvil me... the morbid me.

Ancient Mystery...

2005-03-14T13:10:00.000-08:00

Finishing A Bad ‘Act’…

I’m going to be somewhat candid about sex. That was your warning.

I’ve been noticing several of my own behaviors these days… more or less studying myself to, of course, learn about ‘my self.’ One behavior I noticed was how I react to a bad lover. I was clueless.

When you first start dating someone, you usually know right away whether or not there is any sexual chemistry between you… evident in serious flirting or fast paced physical affections. I’ve had a couple of extraordinary lovers, a couple of average lovers and my first really BAD lover- since I started back into the dating world.

If I know that there is really not going to be anything more than an occasional play partner, I usually try not to be affectionate in any way. No handholding, no sitting really close, random smooching or cuddling… it’s easier to keep from getting too emotionally attached that way. There are sexual innuendos and flirtations, but nothing really affectionate. When it comes to sex with an occasional play partner… you can be a little more open about what you like/don’t like. Nobody’s feelings get hurt and you’re not really being judged… sex with no strings attached other than to have fun and maybe learning a thing or two.

With exceptional lovers… everything just flows naturally and you don’t really think about anything… you just feel ecstasy- pleasure… uninhibited because fear never comes to mind. ‘It just happens.’ One of the rare moments you and another person are physically & mentally in sync… even if it is only during sex.

But… what about the bad lover? How do you handle the bad lover situation? How do you react/respond?? Well… you fake it. At least I did… The initial chemistry was there… the heavy petting and fabulous kisses… but when it came down to actually having sex… oh my goddess… WTF happened?!?! Two weeks of anticipation… two weeks of flirting and teasing… only to have it end in severe disappointment.

I knew about an hour into the situation it wasn’t going to get any better… I didn’t know that it could get worse. But- what are you suppose to do at the time? Stop the sex and leave? I couldn’t leave, he road with me. Should I have developed a sudden illness? Or just said… “This is not working for me and I don’t want to have sex with you anymore cause you suck.” ????? I decided to play out the night… thinking we went through a wee bit of trouble to make this happen… I’ll just let him finish- maybe offer a little direction.

My mistake… he didn’t want to ‘finish’ so to speak. Every time I took control to ‘end’ the situation, he’d just pull away and literally flip me down on the bed…. ‘Not yet…’ WTF?!?! Finally, after 4 hours, I started being my naturally rude little self and said that he drained the energy out of my body- which was true- and I was ready for bed. He wasn’t finished yet… and decided to brag about how he warned me it would go on for hours and hours… Well yes- yes he did… but I really had no idea that was a bad thing. Not only was I annoyed because the sex was awful, I was tired, becoming cranky… NOW the monkey wanted to brag and boast… more rudeness spewed from my mouth. Something about shutting his big trap and being an asshole by bragging. Didn’t phase him… not at all. I ended up having to play the ‘I feel woozy, the room is spinning’ card since we had been drinking. FINALLY! I got to sleep. The next morning before we headed out, I hopped in the shower only to discover my body was covered with hickies. I haven’t been this annoyed in a while… bad sex, lack of sleep and to top it off I looked like a freaking 16 yr old with hickies all over the place. I kept my cool though… figuring I would realize a valuable lesson.

Anyway… when I thought about the whole thing… I wondered what else I could have done differently. Should I have just been brutally honest? Should I have just taken him home and ended the evening?? Where was my freaking lesson? How awkward is it to tell someone they just don’t do it for you sexually? Especially when things are new…

I know not… but I can tell you one thing… I will never allow myself to drag out something I am not fully into ever, ever again. How I will end the situation… I haven’t a clue… but I'm not going to finish the 'act' if I am not enjoying it.

What would you do?

(Nevermind the poll I had here... it was screwing up the blog)

The Battle...

2005-03-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

I can be wickedly cruel… stand-offish at times… guarded.

I was thinking how funny it is that I get this way and expect people to see beyond the walls… I expect them to see ‘me,’ to know ‘me.’

There are some people I am just naturally compelled to be completely open with… and others I just look at blankly, with a half-cocked smile on my face. It’s almost like there are some people I can be myself with, and the others… I just toy with- pass the time with. Coy flirting, seductive sarcasm… or down right rudeness. This just dawned on me today and it’s quite strange…

It’s tough getting to know someone… it’s tough finding a person you want to fully know your junk… and my being damn fickle doesn’t make things easier.

Phrase Of The Day

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty!”

Spring...

2005-03-09T22:07:00.000-08:00

Ten Did I Mentions…

1. Did I mention I’ve put 1400 miles on my new car already?
2. Did I mention I’ve put 1400 miles on my new toys already?
3. Did I mention I’m still damn horny?
4. Did I mention my temp guy is doing great so far?
5. Did I mention I’m getting fairly caught up at work?
6. Did I mention I love fat, long tongues?
7. Did I mention I got a free porn DVD with the purchase of my toys?
8. Did I mention I’m so very ready to see my Kitty Samantha this summer?
9. Did I mention I like to be spanked?
10. Did I mention I’m still damn horny?

Wake...

2005-03-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

How say you, oh gentle Miss, does a fickle kiss-
too heavy for the winds to lift, with no affair of just how swift-
ever, possibly, find its way?

I cordially do, indeed- insist, the puckered creation did remiss-
settling in a grounded rift, with no despair for the wasted gift-
leaving it here to simply wither away.

Sing Along...

I'm a little teapot, short & stout... with a rubber ducky floating inside, screaming to be let out...

Late Bloggage…

2005-03-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

Well… for some reason I couldn’t connect to the Internet yesterday to post an update on my blog… so it had to wait until today. I didn’t feel like messing with my computer to fix the issue. Friday I was occupied, Saturday I was occupied and Sunday I just couldn’t connect.

The Toys…

Friday, March 4th 2005- they arrived. I didn’t get home until Friday evening around 8pm, having been at a Management Rally at the Gaylord Resort all day. I road with my boss to the resort- and we left Weatherford at 6:30am. I had a few drinks with dinner that evening, so when I did get home, I was feeling pretty damn good. I walked in the door, attempted to calm George from his fit of welcoming excitement, and entered my bedroom. There it was… the special package… lying on my computer chair. Joy and happiness overwhelmed me as I anxiously tore into the package. Three beautiful toys… a twinkle lit my eyes and a huge grin burst across my face. I washed the toys, supplied the necessary batteries to those that required them and laid them under my pillow to await my ‘testing’ later that evening.

The Toys, again…

Saturday, March 5th 2005- I awoke around 11:30am, after having a rather late evening on the phone with my upcoming date, then about an hour of ‘testing’ with my new toys. I got up, did the regular morning routine, then went back to bed having decided the toys needed further ‘testing.’ At 2pm, I finally got out of bed, hopped in the shower along with the toys to test their waterproof capabilities. Then I got ready to have dinner with my sister.

The Date…

Saturday evening, around 8:30pm, met the guy I had a date with at this little bar and grill in Arlington. After a moment of suffering huge smiles, we proceeded to approach the bar. It was much fancier than I anticipated- so we agreed to head to another place called TexAnna’s (A restaurant with a separate bar)- which was just our scene. We sat at the bar and conversed until it closed around 10:30pm. We were having a good time talking/flirting- and neither one of us was ready to call it an evening, so I asked the bartender if there were any pubs/bar close to us- so we could continue the evening. She directed us to a little pub just a few exits down from where we were.

The place was packed, but we managed to find a table in a little corner, and had a great view of the live one-man music show. The seat I had was awesome… seriously- it heavily vibrated with all the base and drum beats of the background music… I was in heaven. I had a huge grin on my face the entire evening at this bar… my date had his arm resting on my chair with his hand on my back. He leaned into my ear and said he could feel the serious vibrations in through my back and asked if that was what I was grinning about… I could not tell a lie. We laughed a little, then played coy flirting games for the rest of the evening. The bartender from TexAnna’s and her manager ended up at the pub later, and we ran into each other in the bathroom. They were excited to see me there, and asked if my husband and I were having a good time. Explaining that we were actually on our first date, they got all giddy and yapped my ear off until I went back to my date. On last call, they appeared at our table with two drinks for my date and I, their treat. They remembered what we were drinking from the restaurant! How sweet!

We were both feeling pretty good, and still were not quite ready to end the evening. We sat in the parking lot talking and smooching until 4am. He’s a fabulous kisser. I haven’t actually locked lips with someone so much in one night in a long, long time. He’s a 6’6”, broad/big 31 yr old man… dark short hair, dark eyes and HUGE hands. He’s partially muscular, partially out of shape lol… but looked damn good. He used to be a kick-boxer and is one of those guys who likes adrenaline inducing sports. His eyebrow is pierced, as well as his lower lip, his tongue and one of his nipples. He also has a few tats… so needless to say he had the bad boy look going on… but it was all good. Oh soOo good! Finally, after a while of sucking face, he invited me back to his place for a bit… but I gave him the boot. I’m cruel that way. I arrived home around 5:30am and was completely unconscious once I hit the bed.

Lazy Sunday & The Toys…

I didn’t completely get up until close to 1pm Sunday… I was damn tired. My date called me shortly after I woke. We talked about the previous evening and how much we enjoyed finally meeting each other. He asked if I would meet him this Tuesday for another date. I agreed, we flirted a bit, then I let him go. Having remembered the previous night’s smooch session… I became a little excited and decided I should give my new toys another testing… this time a more thorough testing. Toy testing went off and on for the rest of the day until I finally went to bed around 10:30pm.

My weekend didn’t consist of much… but I was extremely content. The toys are fabulous, the date was awesome and I got some much needed rest and tension release.

Today, I am a happy woman. Still horny… but happy. I eagerly await the next date to receive more oh-so-yummy kisses.

Late Breaking update: Date called, wants to see me tonight... so I will see him after work today! Yippie!

Come Away...

2005-03-02T21:29:00.000-08:00

Work Work

My new assistant seems to be doing fairly well. He has initiative… figured some things out on his own. I am quite pleased so far. Got a little stumped today on some brochures I gave him to tweak & spiff- I didn’t give him any instruction other than to make it more visually appealing yet keep it professional.

He worked on that for a while and when I was able… I took one and did a little tweaking to it, showed him to help give him ideas. I think after a month he’ll get the drift of the marketing we do and be able to work all on his own.

Seems the ladies at work think he’s quite the looker. I didn’t really think about that when I hired him… I saw his portfolio and thought “OMGS! Finally! Someone who might be able to actually do descent work!” I didn’t think about him being anything else other than a worker bee… but the ladies at work have brand new eye candy to ogle. Me… I see yellow and black stripes.

Toy Deprivation

Well… damn it. It’s been forever and I never got my toys. I sure did get charged for them though. How pleasant is it to have to call during normal work hours and complain that you have received your sex toys?? How pleasant is it to call up your bank to try to reverse the charge and have to explain you never received your sex toys? Lemme tell you…

BANK: “Hello, blah bank customer service- My name is Blah, how can I help you?”
ME: “Yes sir... My name is Robin and I need to get a charge reversed back to a merchant.”

BANK: “Ok, (account junk inserted here). Thank you, now… why do you want to reverse the charge?”
ME: “The merchant has not delivered the goods and I’m having issues with their customer service trying to get my money back.”

BANK: “What is the name of the company and how much was the charge?”
ME: “Uh… it’s uh… Blah-Discount-Sex-Toys and the charge was for $64.79.”
BANK: “Did you say ‘Blah-Discount-Sex-Toys’?”
ME: “Yes sir, I did.
BANK: “I see…”
ME: "...“
BANK: “Um… well ok, you said you order something from Blah-Discount-Sex-Toys and you never received the product.”
ME: “To my dismay you are correct.”

THOUGHT BUBBLE: Did I just say that?!?! oOh Geez…

BANK: (I hear what seemed to be a chuckle under the man’s breath) “I see… and you say you’ve contacted Blah-Discount-Sex-Toys customer service department?” (I hear more chuckling)

THOUGHT BUBBLE: Great… I bet he’s thinking like Beavis & Butthead now… ‘Heh… she wants service…heh heh. Yeah, Yeah… Sex Toys… heEehehee.’

Finally, after a few more laughs under his breath, the guy got a little serious… I proceeded to explain how long it had been since I ordered my product and he said they would investigate the situation, then call me back. Then the call ended…

BANK: “Thank you for calling customer service, and I have to say- you made my day, have a good afternoon…” *CLICK*

I suppose now I’ll be the ‘phone support’ call he shares with all his buddies… chuckling away. *Sigh*

Anyway… the whole experience is damn disappointing. I picked out some winners too. So, still having my desire for toys buzzing my brain… I ordered from another site this past Saturday. I did NOT ask the magic 8 ball a damn thing- in fact I hid it so it wouldn’t see what I was doing! I got the email confirmation Monday saying the order was being processed, and later another saying it would be shipped Tuesday via 3-day Fedx delivery.

Though this time I didn’t get a lacy negligee… I picked out 3 very lovely toys- one of which is a small compact vibrator that is shaped like man flesh and made to feel soft. It has 5 speeds of pleasure, fits nicely in my purse and is blue. I am quite eager to receive these toys… and feel quite confident I will, now having the tracking number.

BUT…

I would still like for you guys to chant for me… just to add a little help in the safe delivery of my toys. What could it hurt?

Please chant 3 times, oOoh so sincerely:

“May Robin get her toys by Friday and have many pleasuring experiences there after.”

Thank you all… *smooch!*

Insatiable Appetite…

2005-03-01T22:22:00.000-08:00

My sexual appetite has me going stir crazy… I’m restless and ravenous. I really don’t know why I’m so damn lustful lately…

Usually when I suffer Mother Nature’s Curse… I’m not interested. But, my hunger seems to be intensified by it… even through yesterday’s pity tantrum… I went to bed thinking about sex.

I’ve been looking at porn, fantasizing and even pleasuring myself at least twice a day. (With the exception of the past two days into the curse.) And it’s not like I’m not satisfied when I have sex or even take care of myself… I have multiple orgasms each time… I just want more. Addicted to sex??? I don’t think it’s that extreme, but teetering on the edge…

I’ll be driving to or from work… and just get this intense sensation- almost like chills- across my body… a sexual rush.

Has anyone else gone through that? I really don’t understand this… I have mixed emotions about it. Sometimes I even think “Damn it! Again?! RAH!” Am I reaching my sexual prime? Is it because I’ve experienced the highest pleasure I’ve ever had recently? Nah… I was still this way before I met Mr. Ecstasy Man.

Do I just enjoy it? Do I seek medical advise? And where the hell are my damn toys?!?!?!

(I know you guys have been waiting for a toy update… but I’ll have to post that tomorrow.)

And Today I Laugh…

2005-03-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

PMS kicks my ass... lemme tell you! Oh wait... I don't have to! You read it for yourself!

I look at the previous day and laugh at myself for being such the drama queen. It’s good release though… for some reason when I write about the junk that really bothers me, I feel extremely better the next day.

I had a little piece of heaven… and who in the world wouldn’t want more? Damn it!!! I still want more… but I’m about move on. This last piece of heaven will always have a special place in my heart because it was damn magical! Pure ecstasy! But ahh well… what can I do?

Today… I’ve gotten asked out twice…. and it’s not even lunch time! Yay me!

One thing I’ve noticed is that as I lose weight… I gain more and more attention from the opposite sex. Can you say… Superficialicious-a-bitch-be-all-tha-bozos?

ANYWAY… I’ve agreed to one. I’ve actually talked to him on the phone/email/chat since December… timing has just never been right to meet. Now is a good time as any… and we’ve talked for a while- so the comfort level there should be fairly good to start off with. He’s extremely adventurous! From skydiving to racing. If anything at all… maybe I’ll have some adventure!

All in all... dating has at least given me a few unique experiences. All of which I treasure greatly... but I will admit it's damn tough to find a sincere, honest man. Damn tough indeed. They all are tricky tricky- and people thought us women were hard to figure out... geez. Thank goodness some of them are so damn yummy!

Meet the Folks!

I’d like to introduce you to my parents. Oh now don’t freak out… it’s not too soon in our relationship to meet my parents…

My Mom- Yolanda and my Dad- Robert. My mom is the little Mexican firecracker... she has a short fuse, extremely dramatic, but she's full of life, passionate, creative, imaginative and had fair beauty when she was younger. She’s one tough cookie… and trust me… you don’t want to piss this woman off. My dad is the grounding stone...laid back, easy going man who's been all over the world... he used to love tinkering on all kinds of things before his hands quit working right… very dry sense of humor… but a very compassionate man. He spoiled me something terrible... oh wait- he still does.

These are the people who made this mess called Robin. If you have any issues or complaints… please contact them at 1-555-YourDaughterIsANutCase or email at: FixYourDamnDaughter@theloonyfarm.com

Today’s Special Lyric:

All day loooooooong I dream about sex… All day I dream about sex, yes all day I dream about sex.

Who, What, Why, When, Where and How…

2005-02-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

My thoughts have me studying the dust that has collected on my stereo speaker. Maybe… if I clean my room… I’ll cleanse my spirit as well. Maybe unnecessary negativity has stored itself within these particles of dirt, smoke, ash and cat hair… collectively forming in a neglected mass of waste polluting my safe haven with unwanted sadness and troubles.

But… I feel as heavy as a rock. My thoughts seem to weigh a ton and have me planted in front of the stereo speaker… I can’t move. My head is soOo heavy… my chest rising and falling in long, slow motions… my breath is heavy too. The pit of my belly feels like it holds a thousand stones… and I… can’t move.

Echoes resonate in my ear… laughter… heavy sighs of pleasure… morning moans of comfort cradled next to warmth… and there is no other sound that can penetrate my ears.

Vivid images flicker through my mental eye… a toothy smile… a slender torso… beautiful eyes… and I can’t see anything else.

I can’t remember anything else…

I hear my own trembling voice ask questions I have asked myself repeatedly… so many times before…

Who am I?
What am I doing?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
When did I get here?
How did I lose myself?

My thoughts have me staring into emptiness… into black, questioning the greatest cliché of all clichés…

I heard my own voice again… but this time it didn’t come from my own lips. At first, it sounded as if it were above me- drifting down in front of me, then to my side. I turned my head- coming face to face with my reflection in the mirror hanging on my wall… and I remembered…

I am Robin…
I am experiencing life in its truest form…
I am wherever I want to be…
I will go wherever my heart leads me…
I arrived the moment I first opened my eyes…
And I am not lost… I am right here.

George let out a low, soft growl… he wants to go outside.

I am free…

As we headed towards the back door, I had but one simple thought… “Tonight, I will burn sweetgrass.”

Arabesque Actualization...

2005-02-28T07:43:00.000-08:00

Click on the image to see a larger scale.

I have been mighty complex lately... and I just realized this past weekend the extent of my complexity. After a rise and fall of emotions- I sat yesterday stupefied over the reasoning behind some of my thinking. Not to mention Mother Nature’s curse is about to hit me… and that seems to amplify my emotional state- whether happy or sad.

Lately, I’ve been getting everything I want… save one. It’s been quite amazing and I’ve been fairly euphoric… save one situation.

This situation, rather a longing for one person in particular, is quite simple- but I am complicating it. What’s even more interesting, to me anyway, is I’m only complicating the situation within myself, he knows nothing of it.

I entered the situation knowing full well there could never be anything more to it than a little fun and a new friend. Both of us have things going on in our lives that make anything ‘serious’ or long term virtually impossible. I have entered relationships like this before and never had any issues- I didn’t get too attached and was always content with the way things were. This one is different for me… I can’t, for the life of me, understand why this particular situation is taking a drastic turn in my heart.

I want him completely- plain and simple. I can’t have him completely- plain and simple. I knew this getting into it and I know it now as the reality of it sets in. The complicity of it lies within my mind and heart.

I wasnt to kiss him freely, at any moment, any time. I want to hold his hand, I want to wrap my arms around him and not let go. I want to laugh and play with him more and more… I want to pick up the phone and call him whenever the mood strikes me and say ‘Hey! Let’s go…” and I can’t… He’s the only one I want sexually right now too… and damn it’s tough.

I don’t want to burden him with this either… I can’t say I honestly want to feel this way… or have it reciprocated. As much as I go on about passion and love, I ‘KNOW’ deep in my heart that our lives are going in different directions.

So why isn’t logic allowing me to keep levelheaded about it? Why isn’t the truth helping me understand that getting attached to him will not turn into anything more than my own heartache?

Passion and Love have no boundaries… no matter how much we try to draw a line around them. You try to keep things separated into their own little boxes… but these two things cannot be contained. You can try to convince yourself something is nothing more, nothing less… but when you least expect it… it comes gushing out and overwhelms you- over takes you and leaves you thunderstruck.

I haven’t wanted anyone this badly in a long while… and this has me all twisted. I can say everything else in life is just ‘Peachy’… but this tips the scales more than I’m comfortable with… and I don’t know what to do with myself.

That’s life though… isn’t it?

I am just me...

2005-02-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

No matter what pose, what lighting, what shade…
No matter what I put in my hair or color my skin with…
No matter what I adorn myself with…

I am just me.

I’m not beautiful, graceful or elegant…
I am overweight, have dark- sleepless circles under my eyes…
I have scars on my body, I snore and I’m fickle…

I am just me.

My actions can be dramatic, as well as my love and anger…
My heart aches, my mind over thinks, my feelings get hurt…
My fears can overwhelm me and I cry…

I am just me…

But…

I can share with you the passion that makes my dreams so vividly colorful…
I can love you far beyond this physical realm…
I can see the beauty in all our glorious imperfections…

There’s nothing more that I can offer… just me.

Surrender...

2005-02-23T22:26:00.000-08:00

Embrace me fully without fear...
and run your fingers through my hair.
Softly whisper in my ear
tempting lures of sweet affair.

Reverie…

2005-02-23T14:28:00.000-08:00

Thunder and lightening, pouring rain…
my breast pressed against the warmth of his chest…
laying close to him in a state of- not sleep, but peaceful rest…
I fantasized a passion only he could sustain.

I wished not to move- to depart from this rapture, this heavenly bliss…
I wanted to take him in once again- if just a little while more…
with our bodies entwined- synchronized with passionate rapport…
tasting his body and his essence while immersed in a sensual kiss…

The rolling thunder came to an end, the rain ceased to fall…
my heart grew heavy as the precious moments drifted away…
I drug myself up- adjusted my hair, but left my emotions in disarray…
Though greatly saddened and completely enamored, I was very thankful for it all.

If ever again, if ever he will- my heart be still, for my fervor cannot be contained.

Randomness…

Let me lick you like a lollipop should be licked… because you are so damn yummy.

Why does it take longer than a couple of seconds to center my nipples in my bra? Today while I was getting dressed for a meeting, I was cold… and noticed my nipples weren’t pointing in the same direction… I surely didn’t want to walk around with one pointing up and the other to the side. So, I wrestled with them trying to center them in my bra… spent way too much time on that in my opinion… but it had to be done.

Today I feel centered… not really here nor there… but in the middle. It feels good.

No new picture… ahh well.

New Wheels!!!

2005-02-21T14:19:00.000-08:00

That’s right my virtual friends, Robin’s got new wheels. I am in love. I’ve never gotten so horny driving a car before… but this is a ‘first’ hehe. Take a peek:

Drool… hey! Don’t get your spittle on my new wheels!

What makes this car soOo special you might ask? I’ve seen better… Well it’s the very first car that ‘I’ picked out, that I wanted and is not solely in my mom’s name, lol! It’s MINE MINE MINE!

I spent an entire Saturday trying to land this baby, and I got to drive it home. One thing I’ll tell you- if I had a man, boy would he have gotten the best lay of his life that night… I felt so good! So Hot! Mmm Mmm Mmmmmmm!

Constricting….

One thing about passion- it not only can wrap itself around you- giving you new life full of love and desire- it can also smother you to death with the very those very same things.

Have you ever loved so much, it consumed you beyond reason- almost beyond sanity? Have you ever been loved so much that you felt the very air in your lungs being squeezed out… it smothers you?

I have experienced both. A love so deep, so strong that I would lay my life down with a simple nod of his head. I sacrificed everything to take care of this love… to nurture it, to keep it… including my own self-respect, my own dignity and my own well being. There was such a fine line between passion and anger… and abuse.

I have had a man love me so vehemently it turned into obsessive behaviors that frightened me… had me fearing for my very life, even that of my beloved George.

Passion can lead from one extreme to the next… hopefully we’ll all find a happy medium that fulfills our lives perfectly.

I remember...

2005-02-19T00:48:00.000-08:00

I remember my first kiss… the sweetest kiss that set the president for all other kisses. It was tender and slow… the kiss that made me realize boys were yummy. He had one hand caressing my neck and the base of my head, and the other in the small of my lower back, pressing me close to him.

I remember the first time I masturbated- having an orgasm. I was in the bathroom with a hand mirror… exploring the unexplored. Making myself excited by softly stroking my femininity… feeling the wetness for the first time without being scared of it, even tasting it- discovering I was sweet.

I remember the first time I had sex… the extraordinary feeling of becoming a woman. He was slow and gentle… he eased himself inside of me slowly so he wouldn’t hurt me. Though I didn’t have an orgasm- it felt so good… To finally know what it felt like to have a man inside of me was overwhelming. His body was pressed against mine… his hand in mine… his lips pressed against mine and feeling his breath.

I remember the first time I realized I was in love. I literally trembled. How I looked him in the eyes and this wave of warmth that rushed through my body. He had always told me he loved me… I would smile and think little of it. I never understood what that meant until that moment. I kissed him passionately… I leaned into his ear and whispered “I think I’m in love with you.” He held me tighter than he ever had before and made the sweetest love to me, all the while whispering my name... “Robin…. Ooh Robin…” I gave myself to him completely.

I remember my first experience with a woman. She was soft and warm. It felt like I was losing my virginity all over again… and I trembled. She knew she was my first… and as my first sexual encounter with a man, she was slow and gentle. I felt her breasts, which were quite larger than mine, and kissed each one. She laid me back and slid on top of me. Her kisses were so sensual…and when I had an orgasm, it was the first time I ever called out anyone’s name… "Jamie."

What do you remember about a ‘first’ of yours?

Today’s Song:

What's new pussy cat woe woe woe...
Pussy cat pussy cat I love you...

Inherent Coercion...

2005-02-18T10:41:00.000-08:00

No animals were actually eaten during the creation of this image…

Wait… that’s not true… a cow was eaten behind the scenes… a huge jumbo beef hotdog… adorned with cheese and lathered in mustard on a toasty piece of bread.

I am… ashamed…

not really… it was a damn good hotdog and I licked the greasy juices off my fingertips- one by one.

Gangsta Poppins

Um shizzle in da hizzle Yizzles Um shizzle in da hizzle Yizzles
I ain’t repeatin’ dat shit… yo.

Superficialicious-A-Bitch-Be-All-Tha-Bozos

Even if da sound be somethin’ wack atrocious
If ya shout it out to da homies they’ll funk it phat precocious…

Superficialicious-A-Bitch-Be-All-Tha-Bozos

Um shizzle if da twizzle fizzles Um shizzle if da twizzle fizzles
I ain’t repeatin’ dat shit… yo.

Yo it was wack when da hOmeboy flunked out like a creep-
Tryin’ to be all that- talkin' smack to all da chichi peeps…
One outtie I learnt how dem players all be ho’s
But not be-fo punkin’ back, yo dis is how it goes:

Superficialicious-A-Bitch-Be-All-Tha-Bozos
Superficialicious-A-Bitch-Be-All-Tha-Bozos

Yo- smack-kack-tack-wack- I knocked the homie flat back...
Pimp, I ain't repeatin' dat shit... you superficialicious-assed-bitch-you just a ho-sus.

End Channeling ReMix of Mary Poppins with her sister "The Gangsta Phreak Poppins" chillin' on the darkside.

Ah'ite!

Spellbinding...

2005-02-15T23:40:00.000-08:00

Let me kiss your dry lips moist...

Quirk Alert...

Well... here's another list for you listless people... 10 of the quirkiest things about me... no order of severity or strangeness.

1. If I have something stuck in my teeth... and there's not a toothpick to be found, I will snag a piece of my hair and use it as floss. Gross, sure- but I'd rather do that instead of walking around with a big chunk o'food stuck in my teeth while talking to someone.

2. I like to listen to the sounds stomachs make. If you let me... I will lay my head upon your belly and listen to the gurgling bubbles. It's something I've done since I was a little girl. I'd lay my head on my Daddy's stomach and listen... maybe this is a fetal flashback??? Lol

3. I can't stand feet, toes and their nails, except my own. Eewy! It took the longest time for me to be comfortable with my feet... I invested sometime in keeping them smooth and groomed. I use to never wear sandals that exposed my toes... but now I do. I just don't want to look at nasty, unkempt feet/toenails.

4. Sometimes I drool badly while sleeping... I also snore, but I think I just generally sleep with my mouth open, and since I usually sleep on my stomach with my head turned to the side... yeah- the spittle drips out. I woke up once to my cat sticking her paw in my mouth... bleh!

5. I can be really shy. 'What?!?! Unbelievable' you may exclaim... but it's true. I don't know why... but when I first arrive someplace, for whatever reason... I tend to be a little quite and observational. I do warm up quickly... but that also is determined by the friendliness of the company.

6. I enjoy touching my own breasts. 'Why?' you might ask... Hello!!! Boobies... who needs a reason to touch boobies?!?!

7. I can have an orgasm just by squeezing my legs tightly together and slightly rocking back and forth. Oh yeah… it’s awesome.

8. I like to be sung to... anytime, anywhere... any voice. I don't care if you can't carry a tune to save the earth from being invaded by Plutonian Ass Suckers... if you are genuinely singing- with expression, I am quite pleased.

9. I demand quite a bit of attention and affection- but only when I want it. I am a spoiled brat after all. If you're constantly touchy feely, and I'm busy (or pissy for that matter), I'm going to get extremely annoyed. You'll usually know when I want affection- and resist as you might- I'll get you to show me that affection if I really want it. If we are together some place, and you leave me completely by myself for too long, or more than once... it's sure to piss me off.

10. I like my nightmares. Yep… it’s true. I would make tons of money if I could turn my dreams into movies lol! I love horror flicks… I love to be scared, and I love my lucid dreaming- no matter what it’s about.

Endurance…

2005-02-15T09:10:00.000-08:00

I am the burning fire flame of life and love…
whose blazing radiance blinds the very heavens above…
whose eagerness scorches with fervent, lustful heat,
blistering all who cross my path with sensual, elegant defeat.

I am the dawn of life transformed and the passion flame of old…
whose smoldering affection is kindled by ancient secrets untold…
whose somber dust and ash will brilliantly rise to transcend,
enduring the evolution of existence and ages of time without end.

I am passion. ~Robin

Bad Hairbrush Day!!!

This morning I don’t know how I did it… but- I managed to get a round brush stuck in my hair on the top of my head. !!! I’ve used brushes like this since I first started styling my hair… I don’t know what I did… it was a mess. It would not move one way or the other! OUch!

Sister couldn’t even help me out of it- but she got a good chuckle. Finally, after much frustration and a loss of hair- I got it out. OUCH!

Fortunately, I have a mass amount of hair on my head… so the missing patch is really not noticeable… lol!

Love and Kisses....

2005-02-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

Today… make every kiss softer, longer and sweeter.

For all of you that I have loved in any way, great or small… Happy Valentine’s Day, and thank you for sharing your passion with me. ~Robin

The Lips...

2005-02-12T16:08:00.000-08:00

Exquisite...

2005-02-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

Catch them before they slip away…

The Devious Side of Passion & Sexuality

Passion is a powerful, commanding force. It can make us lie, steal, betray and kill… as you know, demolishing entire empires into rubble.

I genuinely place no fault with anyone in particular… it’s simply human nature. However respectable one might be, everyone has weaknesses- easily falling prey to manipulation and seduction.

Passion can be contorted into something dark and malevolent, in the very least, becoming a ravenous leech-like coercion. I believe us all culpable of being aggressors and subservient abusers of passion and its capabilities.

It’s the exploitation, deception and abuse of this passion power that I write about today. I know this abuse well… I have been guilty of exploiting my feminine charms to manipulate and seduce men I knew were susceptible, even a woman or two. I would like to make one point very clear though… I never lied about my intentions… I presented them in royal flush upon the gaming table, though I do believe this to have intensified the success of my seduction.

I’ve experienced a live demonstration of this abuse sitting at the bar in a restaurant. A very burlesque, out spoken- if not obnoxious- blond bombshell, later to be known as the Bimbo with a capital ‘B’- was clouting the air with cleavage and shrill seduction (and yes, that is meant to be clout, with a ‘T’). Flirting with every man that passed by, no exaggeration- but targeting those nearest to her. One victim, the closest to her, being a friend of mine, rather a guy I was semi-dating.

It was quite amusing in the beginning- she was a provocative beauty. I, myself, couldn’t stop starring at her voluptuous breasts. As time passed, however, she became less and less entertaining to me as she sunk her claws deeper into my friend.

I became annoyed by the very sound of her raspy voice and was extremely agitated. Was it jealousy? Was it insecurity? Not in the least… it was sheer disappointment in the blatant display of disrespect shown to me, not by her, but by my friend. The back towards me, the lack of conversation... I went from a dating girlfriend to ‘just a friend’ in under an hour.

Over all, it was the fault of everyone involved the scenario. It was human nature at it’s worst, on all 3 parts: The Cynical Spectator, The Easily Distracted Hormone and The Machiavellian Bimbo.

The Cynical Spectator:
This was my role. I did not make an effort to steal his attention back… why should I? I brought him to the restaurant in the first place… and we just had sex before we even went there. I guess in a sense I was evaluating his behavior- I wanted to see how he responded to the vixen- to determine whether or not I was going to let him completely have my affections- not just my body. You could say I was setting him up for the benefit of my own disappointment… it’s what I was expecting, and he gave me validation. I never claimed to be perfect… I, too, can contort my passion into cruel malevolence and ‘test’ a person’s character. I just hoped that he would be attracted and interested enough in me to show more respect and not toy with a degenerate, incongruous Bimbo- not at least without including me in on the game, I like to play too!

The Easily Distracted Hormone (or The A.D.D.-H.):
My friend’s role. A hot chic with huge tits (literally hanging out on public display) only in town for one night is throwing herself at you- constantly pawing at you- driving you nuts… who wouldn’t want to hit that for a night of no-strings-attached jungle fucking? Little did he know that if he hadn’t been underhanded about getting her number while I was in the bathroom- I would have enjoyed sharing a jungle fuck night with him and the Bimbo.

Finally, The Machiavellian Bimbo:
I knew the game she was playing… everyone knew the game she was playing… and she had the goods to play with- so why the hell not? Being away from her 75 year old boyfriend- oh yeah, it’s true and she was 35- she craved a wild young stallion, she was starving for sexual attention, as well as playing the seduction power trip.

All in all, even though I suffered a small heartache of disappoint from yet another person I saw a bit of sweetness, intelligence (educated intelligence, not common sense), sexual passion without inhibitions and companionship potential… *take a breath Robin...* I’m glad I had the experience. I really liked him and enjoyed his company- not to mention the exquisite sex- during the little time we spent together. I’ll always wonder if he eventually figured out what he gave up...

Monogamy-Schmanogamy

I don’t believe in monogamy. I believe you can have sex with no strings attached- I have had my share of it. I believe you can truly love someone, be devoted to that relationship/marriage and still have additional sexual playmates/friends. People change, their bodies change, their needs change and we as humans have that primordial instinct to copulate which is inescapable. However, it does require a sober amount of self-confidence and complete trust. “I know you love me above all others- we are extension of each other’s soul… and we can be completely honest and open with each other- sharing these experiences.”

It’s establishing the honesty and openness that’s hard in the beginning. “Hey baby, I found this really sexy person I’m interested in, and I’d like to bring them into our bedroom to play with us.” Could you discuss this desire openly with your companion? Admittedly, it is strange and takes adjustment… but if you are secure enough with each other… it can be wonderful. If you are deceitful about it… the relationship will crumble.

Know this about me… I don’t expect you to be faithfully monogamous… but I do expect your loyalty as a true friend, and above all else your absolute honesty. I may not be worldly-wise, but I understand what it means to be human with all its glorious imperfections. It’s not about living by societal ethics… it’s about trust, understanding, appreciation and acceptance of human nature and in it’s conflicting beauty.